To blow friend out for cheating on husband?

[Larose123]

I've been wondering this for a while. If you had a friend/ friend of a friend who cheats on her husband and sh*gs anyone she can get her hands on, would you blow her cover?
I cross paths with this man once a week, I've never spoken to him though.
Is the moral thing to stay out of it, or is the moral thing to let the man know?

I was cheated on by my ex husband, I always wonder why no one ever told me about him. Clearly everyone in his circle knew.

Unless it’s someone you’re very close to, stay out of it. You have no idea what her reaction might be to you blowing up her life - never underestimate the repercussions of a very angry, very hurt person who might come after you. It isn’t worth it unless it’s someone close IMO.

I couldn't remain friends with someone who engaged in a romantic or sexual liaison, either as a spouse or partner, or with a partnered person. It has got to be one of the most cruel, callous and selfish things a person can do to another. Irrespective of however 'connected' they feel, however much they imagine themselves destined to be together, or how terrible, dead or sexless they are told the existing relationship is; there really is no excuse. It says so much about a person, if they're capable of separating themselves from the suffering their actions are causing -I don't want that energy in my life.

As for letting the husband know -that's a tricky one. But I probably would, somehow. Because she is, by not disclosing her indiscretions, keeping him in an involuntary open relationship. It is humiliating and unfair, and potentially harmful. He has no way of guarding himself against sexually transmitted infections or to safeguard his wellbeing or assets -his wife has the unfair advantage of being on a perpetual front-foot. Poor man.

After my friend and myself stopped talking - and that wasn't because I didn't like her - it was because her partner only allowed her to go out on a Saturday night - which was difficult for me at that point as I was in a relationship. I met her in the passing and we had occasional chats and she gave me her number. I phoned her house and he was like - how did you get this number, well your wife gave me it.

He was awful. He used to control her - money wise as well - and I wish she had just left him. I was also friends with her niece and when they got married she said - are you going to stop seeing other people.

What I'm trying to say is. Yes it's horrible being cheated on. But my friend was clearly really unhappy. She wasn't working at that point - he was. He controlled her money and when she could go out the house. I tried gently telling her that wasn't normal

If I had told her she was cheating she would have denied it and he would have assaulted me. I believe that.

She was seeing a distant cousin behind his back for a long time but he was widowed and terrified to commit and then he died after he had an argument with a mate who punched him - part of me wished she could have built a life with him and got out of the situation she was in

I was stunned when she married him but that's what happens maybe when you have kids to someone and no money of your own. I think she was looking for someone to rescue her from the situation she was in and I did try and tell her more than once to try and get out and be on her own - but it made no difference at all

And no. For all his faults I don't think he deserved it. But there was one night she told him she was going out with me when she was seeing someone else and he phoned me up screaming down the phone at me saying I was making her act like she was single - it wasn't like that at all

I was glad to be away from the drama in the end

This. Exactly this

Why doesn't the friend say something if they know what's going on? You're a friend of a friend so presumably the friend knows what's going on too. You might feel good if you send an anonymous email but be prepared for people to work out it's you that sent it - if you have a friend telling you what's been going on

So she comes back and says ‘it was a hug’ and people are jealous making up rumour's that she slept with other people. What type of investigating do you plan to do? Hire a PI?

your going to start coming across as a bit obsessed and stalkerish. Why should her partner believe you over her?

I personally don't care if someone thinks I fuck around because I had a friend who did. This attitude just reeks of misogyny. Someone fucks around and if you are her friend you do too?
Who cares quite frankly. I don't give a shiny shit what complete strangers think of me.

I'm not responsible for life choices other people make

This isn't a friend. It's a friend of a friend that she hardly knows which makes this weirder on every level

I suspect you still feel very hurt over being cheated on. Send the email. Let people on here know if you feel better after sending it

You'll know what the fall out is. And you'll have to keep secret that it was you that did it when the shit hits the pan.

You don't need complete strangers to tell you what to do. If you want to tell him send the email and then move on with your life

Stay out of it, for all you know he may know, but not want to know.

If it was a friend I’d tell them directly (even if it meant the end of the friendship), if it’s just an acquaintance I’m not sure because you don’t have enough information.

I have been cheated on and one of the worst things to process was realising that a lot of people knew and chose to say nothing. Knowing you were walking around like an absolute fool. Fuck those people and I hope someone does the same to them.

I don't give a flying fuck what you think about me - I last socialised with the person who cheated on her partner 30 years ago. We stopped talking due to his rules about who she could see when.

Hope that helps. I am currently disabled after a life changing accident so the last thing I give a shit about is going out at the weekend with friends who might or might not be cheating on their partners. Someone might think I'm sleeping around by association with someone that I last went on a night out with in 1995?

No bother

Up yours. Hope this helps

Your post reeks of misogyny. Again - who cares. You hang around with someone who sleeps around so you must too? What a backwards way of thinking - slut shaming

When I was in my mid 20s I met someone who said he liked me and I liked him too. It wasn't plain sailing for a few reasons but just as I thought we might get together I called him and his mum called me by someone else's name. Then I met him in the pub 3 months later and he had just got engaged - to someone else

Is it only women that get called out for being cheats if they have a friend who cheats on their partner - or should men be judged as well?

I've never cheated on anyone in my life. The notion that I would be perceived as doing so for other people's behaviour is just absurd.

The OP knows this woman is cheating so she must be too according to your stupid logic

Didn't read. Don't care :)

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If you caught someone stealing money/jewellery from a handbag/wallet/house would you tell the owner?

Warn someone if you knew they were being defrauded or being publicly humiliated for something they were innocent of, or even being set up to be physically attacked (a cheated on partner can feel it as a physical blow in addition to being left with STDs)?

Would you collude with others to withhold information which would have a major impact on someone’s life where they’d probably make different choices if they knew, essentially having an element of control over them and their life?

I certainly couldn’t not tell/warn someone I knew in the above circumstances and I see cheating as the same vein. I hope someone would tell/warn me in similar circumstances.

I’d do it anonymously with as much information to verify as possible in your circumstances, and only if you are 100% sure, as you aren’t a close friend OP. Not sure about telling him this side of Christmas though. Up to the husband what he does with that information but you’ve done your moral duty.

Wow🤣.

You have too much time on your hands. You want to investigate more into an acquaintance’s sex life? Bizarre. Do you love the drama?

I agree with pp that women who are friends with cheats may fall under suspicion too.

And no it’s not being misogynistic. I judge men past a certain age - say over 25ish - if they have friends who cheat. It’s one thing when everyone’s young and at uni and some are just getting to grips with the idea of commitment and monogamy, but past a certain age if a man is still cheating he will likely always do so and it does tend to be that birds of a feather flock together, so I’d be suspicious of any man who had cheating friends. Particularly if they were close. If it were just acquaintances like OP and this cheat I wouldn’t necessarily think anything of them as you can’t always control exactly who is in your wider social circle.

Re. OP, if I chose to tell him I would probably send an anonymous email or letter. Then leave it at that. Whether he believes it or not and chooses to investigate would be up to him. A girl I was friendly with in my youth got HIV at the age of 21 due to a cheating partner. I feel it can really be a deadly thing to do. Cheating is no joke.

That's fine. You're the person calling women slags for being friends with people who sleep around - your views are ridiculous - and you don't need to read this either

Why should people fall under suspicion? People are individuals. In my case I am pretty sure my friend was seeing other people before I even knew who she was. I was also single for the best part of our friendship - you can't cheat on someone if there's no one to cheat on.

You can't control what your friends do - it doesn't make you the same as them. And in my case the woman in question didn't see the person she was seeing when I was with her. She saw him at other times. He was recently widowed and didn't want other people to know about them. She used to go to his - and it had zero to do with me beyond me telling her she should get out of her unhappy relationship.

I don't believe for one nano second that birds of a feather flock together. People make their own choices

An anon letter is a shitty thing to do. And an email could be traced as well.
Does the OP want someone taking her anon email to the police to ask if the IP address could be traced?

This could be seen as harassment - even if the OP puts her name to it.

The OP doesn't know the man concerned - they've never spoken - what reaction do you think she's going to get if she tells him he's being cheated on?

I’d say that he is aware or at least suspicious.
Do you have concrete evidence? If I was close to them, which you’re not, I’d tell him.
People in relationships with serial cheats usually have an idea.

I wouldn’t tell her husband but I actually don’t think I could remain friends with someone like this. a once off is one thing but to do it continuously shows poor character and dishonesty. If she is doing that to him there is a high chance she would backstab you in some way as well

If you don’t want to be a part of the shit show, don’t buy a ticket.

Stay well out.