Completely overwhelmed carrying all the load

[Tinselandturnip]

I know people talk on here all the time about useless DHs, but seriously wtf. I feel like I'm at the point where I'm going to walk out and never look back. If it weren't for my DS I probably would. I can't take any more of the constant planning, nagging, being the bad guy, working etc. DH swans about thinking he has it so hard because he has to go to work, plays with DS for a while then lazes about while I run about doing everything else. I've tried talking to him about it, leaving lists, nagging - nothing ever changes. I shouldn't even have to make lists, a grown man should notice when we've had a blown out bulb for months ffs, and not need me to say please can you pick up a bulb at the shop and change it? Yes I am more than capable of doing that and before DS I would have,.but I just can't take any more of thinking about everything!! We don't even have our Christmas lights up this year because he's "not had time" - how has every other house in the street managed it? House is starting to fall to bits and nothing will get fixed. The worst part is DS thinks the sun shines out his arse and I feel non existent despite doing everything for him. There are days I feel like saying fuck it and leaving them to it, but I know DS deserves more than that. I always have to enforce routine,.manners and all the rest and DS just acts up.a lot for me. (Although, he does still come to me when he's overwhelmed and needs comfort so that is something). I know there is very little point to this post and it's my own fault because I'll never walk out on my son. I just needed to get it out.

I'd be booking myself a little weekend away by myself as a Christmas present in the near future

I could’ve written this myself OP. I’ve been absolutely non stop at the minute, DH doesn’t even know what I’ve got the kids for Christmas. He stresses and complains about having to buy something to wear to his works xmas meal, when that’s the only thing he has to think about at the moment.
whereas for me it’s, dentist appointments, eldest DD needs a bigger leotard and tap dancing shoes, her dance exam needs paying for by Friday, both DDs need xmas jumpers for tomorrow at school, youngest DD has a birthday party to go to on Saturday and I need to get a present for that, car needs taking to the garage for 4 new tyres, the food shop needs doing, I need to organise eldest DDs birthday party in a few weeks. This is literally a third of my list and it doesn’t include all of the household chores, and working 30 hours a week, not to mention taking both DDs to their swimming/dance classes.

i feel utterly trapped though and if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d leave (not the kids, just DH) the worst part is he doesn’t even see the endless work I do, it would feel nice to be appreciated. Tonight I finally emptied out recycle bin as DH has just been piling empty milk cartons and plastic bottles until it’s now collapsed, he can literally see it needs changing! I feel for you OP it truly eats you alive.

It’s not your fault, but you have to make a decision and either accept he’s who he is, try to have a serious talk to improve things, or end the relationship.

My DH is great in many ways, shit in others. Much like me (and most other people).

Yours sounds lazy and thoughtless. Those are not qualities I want in a partner so for me that would be it. My DH has a dreadful memory. Unbelievably awful. For some that would be a red line.

You need to work out what you are willing to accept and deal with that.

Divorce. You need to be a happier woman and mum.

Don't be my mother. Married to a well intended but useless and lazy DH (my dad). All I've ever known her to be is stressed and resentful. She tried, really really hard, and she gave me the best childhood she could. Except everything was always tarnished by her moods and complaints that no one appreciated her.

She was right. I didn't and still do not appreciate her. By trying to do everything, letting my dad be the fun one, she became the bad guy.

Now I'm a mum myself, I can see just how much he did and how hard it must have been. Absolutely brutal. But that doesn't make my childhood any happier or get me closer to her.

I remember one instance on holiday, she had spent 2 days doing ALL the packing for everyone. When we got there, she realized she forgot my dad's blood pressure medication. My dad was annoyed, my mum cried. What a nice first day of our holiday.

@Clementine2377 I'm sorry this is your reality too. You're 100% right, it does eat you alive. I wake up anxious, go to bed angry, I'm nothing like the person I used to be. I love DS with all my heart but I wish I could go back and make better choices. I know I'll never leave as I couldn't bear to miss big chunks of his life. It's soul destroying.

@CatsKoalasBunnies123 this is what I'm worried about. I don't want DS to grow up seeing me as someone unhappy and stressed, while DH is bloody super Dad despite doing nothing. I make sure I have plenty of fun time with DS and refuse to let my days be taken up with the mundane that DH won't get round to. If I need to catch up when he's in bed then I'll do that instead.

Have you seen the cards you can get that talk about the work of running a family and give you a way to talk about tasks and who is going to do what? They may help have a conversation about dividing the work up (cant remember what they are called - fair play, something like that?). I am a big believer in being really clear about the bottom line so there is no misunderstanding. If you have done that and it has not worked, maybe showing him the article "I left my glass my the sink so she left me". A lot of men just don't really take it seriously until it gets to the nuclear option. If you have absolutely done all of that, and he is not taking it onboard, I would let him know that this has gone beyond salvageable. Sorry, its really shit that so many men are prepared to do this to people they are supposed to love.

This is a one way road to exhaustion, burn out and resentment I'm afraid. And your child will see it.

I don't think there is a right way to do things, I am just sharing my experience.

I understand not wanting to be away from your child.

Definitely don't do stuff for your DH. Laundry, holiday packing etc. Let him take responsibility for himself at least.

@Tinselandturnip How old is your DS? Assuming very small which is hard in itself.

I will be plastered here as usual.

I am still going to recommend Surrendered Wife book by Laura Doyle.

It worked for me.

12 years later we are still together and very happy

Staying is an active choice which endorses his behaviour. This is the example you are setting for your son. Watch him be a lazy git to his wife in 25 years.

There are things you can drop, if you do them, that will have no impact on you and your child. Such as any mothering you do of a grown man, any gifts you buy for his side - stop that, random shit some women do like organising grown men and packing for them etc.

What is your work situation?

No I've not seen those but I'll definitely have a look. We've had the conversation few times previously and he'll say all the right things and get a bit better for a while, then it slips back to the usual. It hurts that he just doesn't care that this is a big deal. I hate sounding so defeatist but it feels like this is just the way life is going to be as leaving my son is not an option.

@Tinselandturnip Are you in work? You can save bit by bit to work towards an exit plan if necessary.

Yes I've definitely dropped all that shit, he still has gifts to buy for his family and no days to actually do it around work from what I can see, but I'm still not helping. I don't do his laundry or ironing. I cook for me and DS so by default I cook for him too. It's the shared stuff that pisses me off like getting things fixed, not letting the house fall apart, the cleaning. I do all the planning for DS which tbh I'm not as bothered about because he deserves things to be done properly and not forgotten. He should be picking up the slack in others areas though.