Worried I won’t cope having a baby

[Scandiviews96]

I found out I was pregnant last week, a mixture of excitement and nerves! I have PCOS and was told I don’t ovulate and would need meds to conceive. So it was a pleasant surprise!

I flit between excitement and nerves. My biggest fear is I won’t cope with the lack of sleep and night feeds. My partner said we will get through it but I’m so scared I won’t be able to do it.

Im 5 weeks (I think) and it doesn’t feel overly real at present. What if I don’t love my baby? What if I struggle and don’t like motherhood?! What if I lose myself? I feel I’m being unreasonable.

any advice welcomed!

Aww I read this message and took me back to a place about a year ago so felt the need to reply. I already had a 6 year old when I fell pregnant again, in fact we had been trying for years and it just never happened, so when it did I was sooo happy. Then unexpectedly throughout my pregnancy I kept having these thoughts of 'have I don't the right thing'. I kept thinking how I enjoy early nights and how life is easy now my daughter is that bit older. She goes to bed at 8 and I'm not long after her. Then it would pass and these thoughts would come back again about sleepless nights and all the other difficulties that come with a new baby. 3 days before I had my baby I was in the shower, crying, thinking all of these thoughts again.
I just want to say to you, the second he was born, these thoughts vanished completely. He's 8 months now and I've absolutely loved every second of it. Even the night feeds, your mum instinct just kicks in. I go back to work in a few weeks and I'm honestly devastated, if I could go back to day 1 again and do all those night feeds and all those early days again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. It's natural to feel like you do, a baby is such a huge life changing thing, but I promise you it will be the best thing that's ever happened to you and you'll think back to these feelings like I do now and wish you could know what I do now. Congratulations ❤️ xx

I think everyone feels like that at some point! The good news is that pregnancy is long, and you have plenty of time to adjust and prepare. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time, the new baby lack of sleep phase is such a small part of having a child.

In terms of "losing yourself", well, you are still you, just with a load of extra responsibilities and things to do. If your self image is heavily based on your job role, then mat leave might be a bit of a shift. But, you can decide to do shared parental leave and have your partner take on half or more of the leave if that suits you all better. There's no need to try to be a sort of parent that doesn't come naturally to you. The key thing is not to care too much about what the world thinks you "should" be doing, and do what works best for you and your partner and baby.

I think it’s very normal to feel the way you are about your first child because it’s a lifelong commitment and it’s hard work being a parent.

However, the fact you’re worrying means you’re taking it seriously and you care which is a good sign. You will 100% love your baby and the sleepless nights and feeding are relentless for the first few months but after that it’s much much easier so you and your partner will get through it if you support each other.

One of the positives of the length of pregnancy is… you have lots of time to wrap your head around it all before the baby arrives!

What makes you think that you won’t cope with lack of sleep/night feeds?

As a mother of a 2.5 year old and a 7 month old I’ll be honest with you. I always love my babies. 100% of the time; unconditional love. I don’t always like motherhood, and sometimes I struggle. Those feelings are moments in time: a stressful hour before bedtime, a toddler meltdown in a restaurant, a sickness bug going round the house etc.

Before I had my children, I used to look at my friends with kids and feel a bit bad for them. “Aw so and so can’t come out drinking because of their baby, that sucks for them.” What I didn’t realise at the time was that they weren’t feeling sad about that at all, they were exactly where they wanted to be. You will change, but you probably won’t feel sad about it. The change isn’t forever either.

With anything in life, there are good times and bad times. What I can say for sure is that being their mother is my greatest joy.

Aww congratulations- what a blessing

Everything you feel is so normal! As a mum to a one year old I would say accept all the help you can, make life easy for yourself and throw money at situations if you can. The sleep deprivation was a shock to me but taking the pressure off and rolling with it made it a lot easier - for example who cares if the house is messy or you order takeaway again. It goes so fast - try not to worry.

9 months of pregnancy does prepare you in a way, you’ll be absolutely fine just don’t try and be a hero and do it all yourself!

90% of woman (and men) have these thoughts!

Having a baby is a HUGE thing, it would be unheard of to be unbothered by this life change.

Yes, having a baby is hard work. But it’s not all doom and gloom.

I was really worried about the lack of sleep, but my baby slept well from three weeks old. Obviously it’s not uncommon for babies to wake in the night for a few months or even longer, but you will definitely get through xx

Definitely tell a midwife how you are feeling

Congratulations on getting pregnant!
You will be able to do it!
You will love your baby, the love is like nothing else and it keeps growing. It's good to be realistic that it will be hard but the love will keep you going.
The really hard part is a short period (although it doesn't feel it at the time)
You will change but your priorities are different, nothing is more important than your baby so you might not mind that things are different.
Don't worry about what other people do, do what works for your family and keep talking to your partner.
I did it alone and it was difficult but I wouldn't change it because being a mom is incredible. There is just nothing better!
But every mom, baby and situation is different and if you are struggling talk to your partner and reach out for help. You are still a great mom even if you need a little or a lot of help.