To say no

[Icwftw4]

Bit of a back story here so bear with me.

In a relationship for around 8 years. Both were previously married years ago to other people.

I have been divorced for a long time. He was still married until very recently. A few years ago I made it a deal breaker. He always said he would do it but then just didn’t and I didnt want to be with someone married to someone else no matter if it was all over and old news.

essentiallly now divorce has happened and I have said no to marriage. It’s something I would have considered in the first few years, wasn’t really sure I wanted to do this again anyway. But the fact it’s taken such a lengthy time to sort the divorce has put me off all together. it basically said to me, I’m not bothered about committing to you long term a long time ago.

I am happy with things as they are. Getting married at this point achieves nothing anyway. And I no longer want to. I have voiced this and DP is making out I’m very unreasonable to do so now he’s divorced. I don’t think I am, he says I spoke about marriage a lot - I didn’t, I spoke about him being divorced (or not) a lot. Because you can’t be with someone long term if they are married to someone else!

im pretty sure IANBU especially based on the responses to the OP post about her son, which is a similar kind of situation, except she is younger and more free to go off and pursue something else with no ties so slightly different. But I just want to sense check.

Why was it a dealbreaker then ?

I mean I get it from the pov that the ex would still be entitled to money / pensions if something bad happened but it seems your reasons were to do with you specifically not wanting him to be married to someone else because you found it disrespectful and you wanted that part of his life to be his past.

I can understand why he may have assumed that you wanted him to be in the position to marry you.

Personally, I wouldn't marry unless there was a good reason to do so. And there doesn't seem to be one at this stage.
I don't think he is necessarily not commited to you, though. I met my ex when he was two years post separation but it took him further two years to get a divorce. He was fully commited to me, he just though that divorce was an expensive formality he really didn't feel was important. Until I pointed out that his wife is not only technically in charge of medical decision-making but she is also due to inherit his property should something happen to him. That was the only reason he got a move on with divorce.

My parents never divorced. My mum was widowed 15 years after separation and for 10 of those she was in a loving commited relationship with someone else and they are still together.

So yes, perfectly fine to say no to marriage but don't make any decisions about the viability of the relationship based on divorce situation. Unless, if course, there are other reasons you think he is not committed.

Not wanting to be in a relationship with a married man is completely different to wanting to marry him yourself.

Yes it is practical. You cannot build a life with someone, buy a house, shares bank acct, and small things like you say medical decisions, funerals etc whilst they have a spouse. That’s why it was a deal breaker. It’s not that I wanted to marry. But if I’m in for the long term I certainly don’t want someone else to be the wife (with all that legally goes with that). It was a deal breaker cause I felt I’d waited a sufficient period of time and was fed up of not being able to even put partners name on my pension for example.

but it also said to me that it wasn’t important enough to him to do it faster, and therefore he couldn’t have been that keen to marry me instead. To be honest that’s fine if that’s the case, it doesn’t really bother me now, it just tells me, that it’s not a thing he wants to do. It’s the fast he’s now telling me I am being unreasonable for saying no. When i sorted my divorce, it meant he could for all intents and purposes live with me as a civil partner, share a home, put me down as a partner on things. Without having to consider whether my husband would want half the house, pension, etc etc.

the hold up on this whole situation was him. Not me. But now I’m being told it’s unreasonable for me now to say I don’t want to get married (I never ever said that I did) but he has taken it that way. And all of a sudden it is ‘needed’ for commitment. Whereas when I asked for the divorce for that reason it ‘wasn’t a priority’.

cake and eat it essentially.

I’m not, it’s him that’s now doing this. Saying if I don’t want to consider marriage or leave it open it’s a deal breaker. I mean if it is then it is! That’s up to him isn’t it. I just think it’s being a massive hypocrite to not prioritise your divorce for years then all of a sudden you do. And marriage becomes important. Makes no sense.

im happy to just stay as is and not be married there is no benefit.

This is also how I see it. The 2 are very different things.

These are 2 totally different issues.

Not wanting to be in a relationship with a married man is totally reasonable. Not just because of the legal and financial implications of him being married to someone else. But because in theory he is still bound morally to his wife by the vows he made to her.

And the issue of not being wanting to marry him now he is divorced is an absolutely acceptable way to feel. You should only agree to marry him if you whole heartedly wish to commit yourself to this man in accordance with the intent and spirit of the wedding vows. You shouldn't marry him because he expects you to. You need to enter into marriage only if that's what you feel is right for you.

Are you wealthier than him?

Yes, it is up to him. I mean, it's weird to me but if that's how he feels, then he is entitled to leave the relationship.
Not nice for you though and, for that, I am very sorry.

Stick to your guns.
8 years it took him to divorce?
Are you sure you don't have a bit of the ick now?
He has a huge opinion of himself doesn't he.

I don't think it's fair to call him a hypocrite. You've both changed your minds but I have more sympathy with him than with you. He's changed his mind in a positive direction (he didn't want to fully commit but now he does) whereas you've changed yours in a negative way (I used to want to marry you but now I don't).

Yes, which is partly why I don’t want to. I have assets (house, pension) he doesn’t. He may at some point in the future have more maybe. If business takes off but I don’t want or need that.

to me it now feels like he’s done it and realised he gets none of the benefits if he doesn’t marry me so wants to. If it wasn’t enough of a priority for him to do it before. He needn’t think I’ll be rushing to do it now.

I definitely do have a bit of the ick. But more so now he thinks it’s fine to start saying to me I’m unreasonable for it when he took 8 years!

if he had jut done it and left it there then fine. I am happy to continue it’s been long enough now why does it really matter as long as it’s done. But to then start telling me I shouldn’t be taking it off the table. When he’s only had me say that for 1 week when I waited 8 years having said my piece I think just takes the piss.

Tell him you will think about it, and it might take around 8 years for you to come to your decision.

You are absolutely right in what you are doing.

I never said I wanted to get married ever. I said I would consider it, but that we couldn’t even have that discussion until he sorted divorce. And that I didn’t want to be with someone who was married to someone else. He never sorted it, so that gave me an answer really. In that 8 years I’ve decided actually I don’t want to remarry at all, and certainly not to someone who doesn’t seem that bothered either.

he is saying he always wanted to marry, but in my opinion remaining married to someone else, says otherwise in your actions.

This is literally the answer I gave 😆

I know it’s petty but 🤷🏼‍♀️ I said I would think about it for 8 years and to ask me again then.

he didn’t last a day without starting about it.

Do you live together, share finances, have kids together etc?

It seems to me that you have nothing (or very little) to gain from getting married (and potentially much to lose), and his dragging his feet for years doesn't scream gooey-eyed commitment either so why would you get married?

Until I pointed out that his wife is not only technically in charge of medical decision-making but she is also due to inherit his property should something happen to him. That was the only reason he got a move on with divorce.

She would only inherit if he didnt leave a will (which was dated after their wedding date)

Ok, but why bother with a will which costs about the same as getting a divorce if you'd already been separated from your spouse for four years?

So he took eight years to divorce and now thinks you should be dead keen to marry. You have all the financial assets so I see why you're not so keen but it's more the eight years that's done it Op, the early in love days are gone and now you're a bit indifferent. You're not BU, never marry someone just because they think you should

I love this. Tell him to pipe down and thank his blessings you didn't walk years ago...

You don't sound like you even like him so if he wants to go over this I'd let him. I feel like you can probably do better, based on just what you've told us here. He sounds like a bit of a twit.

It sounds like you did consider marriage at some point and it was mentioned. You've now changed your mind.

Did you tell him whilst he finally started the process that you were not interested in marriage any longer? Otherwise, isn't it a case of lying by omission?

It sounds like you did consider marriage at some point and it was mentioned. You've now changed your mind.

Did you tell him whilst he finally started the process that you were not interested in marriage any longer? Otherwise, isn't it a case of lying by omission?

We live together, split finances as in pay for our share. Have no joint assets and have kids but not together.

there is nothing to gain from marriage. And like you say as it didn’t scream let’s do it. I don’t see the point now.