So upset with inlaws and DH

[ForShyBlueFish]

Honestly, not sure what I’m posting for. I am so so upset I feel very let diwn by my DH and what inlaws have said. I would have expected my DH to have stood up for me more but he hasn’t and I suppose I want to know if I am BU.

I (“Amy”) have been married to “John” for 13 years. All these years I feel I’ve had a good relationship with my in-laws. I’m not hugely close to them but always got on well . so I thought. We only see them maybe three times a year due to living very far apart. But its a relaxed good time when we do meet up.

They have just been to visit us for Christmas. I feel I alomg with my DH made our usual quite a lot of effort for them, cooked nice meals inc full roast one eve and full cooked breakfast one of the mornings, got spare room set up lovely & cosy for the 3 nights they stayed over. Basically tried our upmost to make them welcome. As we always do. While they were here, we all visited my parents, who are local to us. Everything fine. I have never exchange any cross words with my inlaws all the years I have known them and im shattered to now learn they (well my MIL at least) feel this way about me, sorry to ramble, let me now explain,

While they were staying with us, my inlaws had a close friend of hers looking after her dog. As they were leaving to go home yesterday morning, MIL said something about the fact she was going to message the dog sitter / friend once they were on the road, to let her know when theyd be home.

well. What happened was, she accidentally sent the message to our family group chat which contains me, DH, MIL and FIL. This is what the message said,

“On road now, satnav saying arrival home at.. oclock. All fine here except Amy seems to gain even more weight every time we see her. Such a burden on John. What’s that they say though - love is blind, right”.

It is true I am overweight, I have had a very sad year and it has been about just getting through it rather than focussing on life style changes. My DH is very supportive and loves me anyway however he knows I want to make the changes and is promised to support me on whatever way I choose to loose weight next year when I do want to concentrate on myself again.

to say I was shocked . Well. A very big understatement. In a rush decision, I actually phoned up my MIL (FIL does the driving). I said, did you know you sent that to the group chat and I can see it? She said “ohhh my mistake you know I’m not very techy like you, must go speak soon”. And that was that…..!!!???

i burst into tears. DH comes in, having just seen the message in group chat. He says when he knows they are home again he will call her and talk about it. So he does, later that day. He has the phone on the hands-free this is at my own request when making the call. But she wont let him speak, just says. a half hearted sorry that she sent it to the wrong chat screen. And then brushes him off saying it is has been a long journey home and she is tired and got to go.

I wanted him to try and say more I wanted him to try and defend me and tell her what she said is completely disgusting and unacceptable but he said what’s the point, she won’t listen, what’s the point in falling out with them? I mean really I am his wife!!

I feel so violated, I have them in my home as I do when they visit even though it is not very often we both make a lot of effort to make them welcome. They sat around the table, our table, ate our food, sat in my own parents home, and all along they feel that way about me.?

am i being over sensitive here?

I wouldn’t go to the trouble of hosting her again, if your ‘DH’ wants them to stay let him do all the getting ready, cooking and certainly don’t take them along with you to see your family, if they do come I would make yourself scarce.
Now is the time to completely drop the rope, your MIL has obviously always been a two faced phoney.
Your husband should have told her it was totally unacceptable instead of avoiding conflict so they don’t fall out.
Your MIL obviously has a nasty streak a mile wide, you don’t send messages berating your daughter in laws appearance to anyone, be glad you now know exactly what she is like!

At least you now know what you are dealing with and can avoid spending any more time with PIL if that it what you want - DH can always visit them on his own. Have a chat with your parents though, sounds like it would be worth getting their perspective before setting anything in stone. And gives you breathing space to make your response considered and not kneejerk.

I feel for you with DH not saying what you would like him to. A lot of men seem to prefer to let things blow over and settle down rather than do the right thing and tackle issues like this head on, esp with their mum. And she is clearly trying anything to avoid having to address her nastiness. But don't feel bad standing up for yourself, no-one deserves to be called a "burden" like that. And don't accept half-arsed apologies like I did.

I had an issue a long time time ago with my MIL being very unreasonable and unkind to me, and by extension rude to my parents. My DH enabled MIL behaviour because he didn't want to upset her. Her idiotic position eventually unravelled but it exposed which family members were reasonable and which ones just swallowed her bs without question. DH did apologise to me fully and unreservedly in the end but I had a completely forced and farcical apology from my MIL after it became clear I didn't want anything further to do with her after her crappy behaviour over several months. I should have really let rip when she tried the tickbox apology but I wasn't confident enough then. DH was livid with her but he wasn't there, I had gone over to hear her out on my own. As you can imagine, I have just continued to avoid as much as possible, I see her a bit more now to support DH as she is very ill and very old.

I would send her a text message in the group to say she was rude, adding while we’re being honest she left a sour smell in your home.
I hope you are okay.

Ok that’s your opinion still does not excuse her horrid view of her own son and daughter in law

A

I would actually message your mil and say that you saw the post and that you are very hurt by it. That you would like her to explain why she thinks that you are a burden on her son. Tell her that she needs to say sorry.

In regards to your dh I would ask him outright was he complaining about your weight to his mum.

I am sorry that happened to you.

I think that the 'love is blind' comment really does not suggest op's dh is involved in the meanness.

It's extremely unpleasant and goes much deeper than a mere inappropriate comment. She calls you a burden on your husband and then brushes it off. And he wont stick up for you. I think you should cut all contact with them. They are two faced and nasty. And yiur husband should grow a spine. You need to get to the bottom of it with him too. If he reslly feels that then you need to tackle it. Disgusting.

Group chat:

Dear Mother in Law,

That since deleted message was very rude indeed. I don’t know why you would see me as a burden on your son - the reality couldn’t be more different.

Unfortunately, the duplicity has somewhat soured the memory of the weekend you spent in my house.

For the sake of DH I do hope we can move on from this, in whatever form that may take for both sides to be comfortable.

I'm be tempted to put something in the group chat like

Can't believe we have to host bloody MiL again - her voice alone is like a pneumatic drill going off in my head. How her husband has managed to cope for 40 years is beyond me, must be longing for the sweet release of death.

WHOOPS, WRONG CHAT.

But I wouldn't, because I'm boring and middle aged now.

I’d have been passive agrressive, wrote something like that’s odd, it’s not me John sees as the burden,

You sound lovely OP . Just want to send a big hug. I would be so upset too and not sure I would ever feel the same about her. She sounds a bitch and shallow. Only justice is she is probably hugely embarrassed.

Never allow this nasty bag in your home again. The worst kind of people are the ones who can give you a warm hug and look you in the eye and then turn around and do this.

How horrible for you OP. I'm so sorry you've been hurt in such a personal way and by someone you had no reason to expect would be so awful.
However, I would try not to make this too much about your DH and his loyalty.
I'm inclined to agree with him that no good would have come from going at her all guns blazing when she had already shut down, likely from the immediate embarassment. There can be little more shameful than being caught out this way, and her response was basically to try and hide from it.
I think words need to be had by your DH certainly. But I think a little space is useful to gather both your thoughts and decide what you want to achieve now.
She can't unsay it, and you can't unknow it. So, you need to think where you go from here. Clearly your H doesn't want to have a big fight, and I agree there's nothing to gain. So, think what you want as an outcome. Never to have to see her again? For her to apologise? To have some space to see if it hurts less and you can face her again? To tell her how hurt you were?
Once you've decided then ask your DH to support you to make that happen.

I am very interested to find out from your DH why your MIL thinks you are a burden?

You could send your own message stating how you wish your MIL has a sense of decency and tact but it is clearly the case she doesn't. You could also add surely you will all recognise she is totally bitch like and yet you wish she wasn't I reckon that would stop her in her tracks Time for revenge I think.

I can't believe some people are offering weight loss advice here. 'For your health.'🙄

It's so apparent which posters are fat phobic and honestly believe overweight people bring these comments on themselves. Really nasty.

You’re not being overly sensitive OP. That sucks. I wouldn’t be making any effort with such in-laws anymore.

Oh OP - that is awful. And I agree with PPs that how your MIL reacted when told you had all seen the message shows it all. She’s a bully and then a coward to not acknowledge the hurt she’s caused or apologise.
your husband doesnt need to fall out with his parents - it will be mil and her reaction to being challenged who decides on that I think - but your husband needs to tell his mum that her attitude and actions are not okay and that she needs to respect you.

This. Your MIL is a nasty cow.

What a nasty woman. What horrible things to say and insinuating that your husband must be blind either to your appearance or to whatever makes you a burden.
I am disappointed with your husbands attitude. He’s basically allowing his mother to behave like this because ‘it’s how she is’.
I’d be going Low contact with them and leave husband to do everything. If he asks why tell him and I’d also state that when and if he decides to stick up for you and not explain away her behaviour you may feel differently. Nasty cow. He needs to grow a pair too. No more hosting them and he needs to be the one to tell them why to show he supports you. Words to you are easy, let’s see if he can actually back them up with actions.
im sorry that you have such a nasty MIL.

I could believe she sent it to the group chat on purpose. Hence her not panicking when told and brushing you both off. Wouldn’t most people stutter, be apologetic, feel dreadful they’d been ‘found out’…..

The point of falling out with them is that she was outrageously rude to you and hasn't even apologized, and very likely WILL do it again. On the one hand I'd try not to be too upset about it; your weight isn't negatively impacting her and there was absolutely no reason to SAY what she did to someone you don't even know - let alone send a message at the first possible opportunity like it's breaking international news! She's ridiculous and shouldn't be allowed to ruin your day. On the other hand, if you don't want to host/see her again, I'd 100% expect your husband to back you up on that AND pass on the message. If he "doesn't want to fall out", he can go to theirs, or host them on his own elsewhere.

That’s such a horrible, horrible thing to say. She is an absolute bastard. 💐