To “take away” a Christmas present that XDH has bought for the children?

[AmIALoser]

I’m pretty sure that XDH has bought our shared children (7, 6 & 5) a mobile phone each for Christmas. In my opinion this is way too young and should be discussed between us first at some point in the future, probably when starting secondary school.

WIBU to remove the phone from the children and hide somewhere? Contact with XDH is supervised due to abuse and he has no overnights.

Go through the proper legal channel for this. Absolutely no way do they get a phone.

Who supervises the contact? Could they stop him giving gifts?

Surely you decide what happens in your house, so no phone there.
who is contact supervised by? Will they support him not giving phones to the children?

What’s the proper legal channel ?

I do, as recommended by social services. No court order, CAO, etc. in place. We don’t qualify for funding and his abuse was described as “low level”.

i don’t actually know what he’s got then as he refuses to tell me, so the first I’ll know about the phones is when the children open their presents. XDH is coming round on Christmas afternoon to give presents.

Well I guess all you can do is warn him that if he gives them phones they’ll be sold and the money put in their savings in the hope he gets it through his thick head it’s a non starter and returns them. And if not then so just that

The rule is no phones at your house. Just say that when they are there they don’t have them. The children will doubtless tell him. He can keep them at his or he can have them go to yours but be away.

What a twat, a phone for a 5 yo FFS.

So if his bringing the gifts how are you going to take them away?
Why do you think he has got them a phone?

Can you ask him if his got them a phone and tell him they will not be allowed them in your house and as ge has no contact on his own / No overnights there will never be a time when they will use them

Has he got them a phone each so he can talk to them?

No phones - it breaches the supervision. The need for supervised contact needs to be well justified so you will have the backing of social work/court if you do not allow the phones. Contact your social worker on how best to proceed as it may be better coming from them.

So why are you assuming he’s got them phones?

Ps although I agree that phones at that age are not appropriate, it's not the point.

There is a need for supervised contact, he would be in direct breach of that if he were contacting your children on the phones without an adult deemed appropriate listening/screening and it could be detrimental to the wellbeing of the children.

If you can afford to, buy a separate gift for each child with different paper from your own gifts, to be “from dad” should his own gift be unsuitable.

If all does actually go well, then you have birthday gifts sorted out.

I’d ask him point blank if any of the gifts are a phone. If he won’t answer, warn him that you will have to open the presents first to check. Do not let the kids open the gifts and get disappointed.

tell him it is because the kids cannot have phones yet due to age and also the supervision order.

Tell the kids now that there is a home rule of “no phone until you are age 14”. If he gives them a phone, it will have to be turned off and put away unless they are with him. Buy a lock box in advance so you can lock the phones away as soon as he leaves.

I actually think it’s fine, so long as it is clear they are only to be used when they are with him, to contact you.

Check with him first. If you don't know by the end of the day then open the present.

Your children are too young for mobile phones. Secondary school age should be the minimum.

You answered my question in your next post, you don't have a legal channel, I would report to SS if he has an issue with you sending the phones back to him.

Eh no, do not do that. Do not give them anything 'from Dad's.

I don’t know anything about this area at all, but I would have thought that there could be some perception that taking away presents from a father may be negative in some way

(even in a mad world where an abusive father, who only has supervised access to his children buys them an unsafe and completely impractical present for his children, potentially breaching any supervision order)

what I think you probably have total autonomy of is the rules in your own house? Including no mobile phones.

So although you may not technically be able to deprive your children of their father’s (stupid) gifts, you can stop your children from using them while in your care.

Agree. You need to get your solicitor to guide you through this.

This.

OP supervises contact so this scenario won’t arise.

Im with everyone else (and OP), it’s a control mechanism by the father, amd a way to continue the abuse of OP via the children.

Reported, your own thread got removed. Stop being annoying

People suggesting she reports this to her solicitor or social worker- that's not how things work. OP hasn't been to court so likely doesn't have a solicitor (even if she had, regular people don't keep solicitors on retainer in case minor issues crop up) and there may have been a social worker but they doesn't mean there is one now. This is a parenting decision for OP to make. She can't stop him from giving them the phones so she's asking is it ok to put them away and not let the children use them. Which it is. She should offer XH the opportunity to take them away and return them and if he refuses they should be put away.

On a side note I'm very surprised that an abusive man willingly agrees to have his contact supervised by his XW with no court order in place. That's highly unusual. Maybe don't rock the boat too much or he may make things much harder and therefore more risky for the kids.