To get angry at DD for locking herself in the bathroom so she could avoid the maths tutor.

[Lollybollylolly]

DD met the tutor last week. They got on well. Today for some reason she says she is not in the mood and locked herself in the bathroom. She is 15 and I'm trying to help as maths is a weakness. It can't be this much of a struggle can it? Is this normal? Not normal? I just don't know what to do. The first time took so much energy too. Do I give up? I don't have strength to do this . I feel like it's up to her.

Some people just can’t do maths and it sends them into fight or flight (not exaggerating ). I’d have been too scared of being rude to hide in the loo but my dad spent literally whole weekends talking me down from a panic attack around maths!

How bad is she? If she’s gonna pass then don’t push her more.

Did she actually want a maths tutor OP?

Thanks yes I was never good at maths but I worked hard. DD doesn't seem to want to do any study for most subjects. So I don't know how to help her. She may fail maths and she is supposed to study over the holidays and I fear she will do the bare minimum.

Drop The Rope.

Honestly, at heading for sixteen she knows that doing “not in the mood” at someone else’s expense is completely out of order.

She is sabotaging your efforts to help her- she can fail alone.

Let her fail. She’ll learn soon enough whether it matters or not, and she can resit at her own expense if she needs to.

Pay the tutor for their time and your DD can retake Maths at college. I struggle with Maths but managed a pass (just) a long time ago. Without it I would be blocked from my current career.

Whether she should or shouldn’t have a tutor aside, locking herself in the bathroom is unacceptable. My 15 year old wouldn’t dare pull a stunt like that. If she’s going to act like an obstinate child, I suppose you have no choice to treat her like one. If it was us, DS and I would discuss what he wants/needs grade-wise, and then decide together if a tutor is necessary. Your daughter doesn’t sound mature enough to do that though.

I think getting angry at her might be a waste of your time and energy tbh.

Does she know what she wants to do next? If she's looking at 6th form/Uni/a specific job route I'd sit down with her and find out what she needs and what she can do (with your help) to achieve that. Does she understand money and the need to work for it? Ime kids who can't be bothered to achieve are lacking any impetus to do so. If she doesn't have a plan going forward then she needs one, make it clear that she won't be living at home rent free with everything being provided. She needs to get a plan and to work to make it happen.

I'd be pretty.ticked off for a few reasons.

Presumably that cost you £50-£70 pounds which was completely wasted due to her childish and idiotic behaviour

I'd be sitting her down to talk to her calmly but honestly about her job prospects because employers want a C minimum. So what's her plan here?
I'd also be talking about wastefulness and cost of living and the fact it wpuld have been basoc manners for her to have told you in advance rather than let you waste £80 ypu spent half a day earning...(or whatever)

I'd outline what the consequences for doing that was going to be (no media for a week meaning no screens of any sort for anything other than school work, a list of chores etc)

And finally...
The bathroom locks would be removed until she could behave in an age appropriate fashion.

I'd be clear she doesnt have to have a tutor if she doesnt want one. Its her call but if she wants to throw away valuable help she probably needs some sort.of career plan.

I’m afraid you can’t help her op. In fact the more you try, the less she’ll do. It took me years to work that out with my eldest dd. It doesn’t work for all kids.
they have to want to do it themselves. Even if you chained her to a desk with her work in front of her, you can’t make her learn it. They’ll learn more in two minutes if they make the choice than they would in hours of you forcing.
this is neurodivergence and it affects many people.

Does she understand money and the need to work for it?

At fifteen I should bloody well hope so!

1 - actions have consequences. That was disrespectful and rude. She loses her phone (assuming she has one) for a week, or something similar.
2 - have a real conversation with her about what she plans to do after school. University isn't free. If she is pushing back this hard with you helping, you may end up sinking money into further education that she bombs out of when she is on her own. What are her interests? Can she turn those into a skill or something adjacent? Uni isn't for everyone.

3 - when she turns 16 make her get a job. A few hours a week waitressing or in a shop. Help her realise the value of money, and what work is if she doesn't go to uni.

I'd cancel future tutor sessions if she doesnt want them but charge her for that one out of her own money as her behaviour was very immature given she had already met and liked the tutor.

She needs to want the tutor or its a waste of time and money.

Someone - you, an older sibling or cousin, a teacher or someone needs to get through to her that passing maths gcse is really, really important. It just makes everything else after that so much easier. All she has to do is pass. Then she can forget about it forever.

If she fails, maths is going to haunt her for bloody years!

Thanks for all your very helpful input. DD is possibly going to live in our home country where maths is only required until year 10. So she won't be doing GCSE. It's a whole different system where maths isn't needed. So I think that's playing into a bit. oings-on hon.m9o has some emotion based school refusal. There's a lot going on with our family , as my husband is mentally unwell. I was questioning ASD. It's just multi layered . I don't know what to say. She has said she will do the next lesson. She wants to do music so maths really isn't top of agenda but actually she enjoyed the tutor last time. She just goes from yes I'm doing it to know I'm not . Last night she was upset as her sister called her fat and that was enough to go into meltdown and refusal to do anything.
I feel such a failure.

I'm giving her one more chance with the tutor.

Speaking as a maths tutor myself (I do everything from very little kids, up to GCSE), I have pretty much seen it all.

But that is still very strange behaviour from your DD. What was the tutor doing while you were attempting to get your DD out of the bathroom? Presumably just sitting at the table waiting?
I hope there's been a consequence of some sort for your DD. I entirely get that she probably doesn't like maths, but honestly? I don't like it that much either! But her behaviour was rude and disrespectful.
I've had it happen were a kid took 20 minutes to come downstairs to greet me, but he had pretty profound autism and was in a special unit. I knew fairly quickly it wasn't going to work out long term, and indeed, it did only last about 6-8 weeks before the dad called time on it.

Personally, I'm not bothered if a pupil wastes the time. The way I see it, I'm paid to be in their house for one hour, and how they chose to spend that hour is up to them quite frankly.
It is up to the parent to make sure that the child is ready on time, and has the equipment and attitude they need. Some many of my clients look surprised when I rock up at the same time every week, and don't even have so much as a pen! The first few times I'm happy to lend them a pen or pencil, but after a couple of weeks, I'll send them away to go and track one down, even if it takes them 5-10 minutes to do so.