Ex not showing up for DS's first Nativity then asking me to send him pictures

[Justastupidgirl]

I need a sense check because I'm worried my hatred for him is clouding my judgement.

AIBU to ignore his request and not send them?

It infuriates me that he can't be bothered to show up for DS but wants the highlights to send to his family or whatever. This isn't the first time he's done something like this.

He's a bare minimum parent and I left him due to DV.

WWYD?

I would ignore his pleas. You aren’t there to make his life easier.

Ignore him if you can! My ex is similar, just wants to cherry pick and look good to his socials and family without putting in any real effort.

You reply with: ”I’m afraid school won’t let us take photos for safeguarding reasons. Such a shame.”

Tell him you weren’t allowed to take any. If you can be bothered, or just say no.

This

and you are not his support human. You don’t need to take instructions

I’d forget to send them

This.

If he wants nativity photos then he should have taken some.

Safeguarding so you can't obviously

Don't even bother to answer.

He couldn't bother to be there. You aren't his gofer PA.

No, I'd tell him that I took some for my memories of a lovely show. I'd say it was a shame he wasn't able to attend to take his own photos.

I’d say, oh yes I’ll sort it out later and never actually do it

be a bare minimum ex wife

I’d send one photo, not your favourite, just so that you can easily defend yourself against his inevitable accusations of you blocking him.

I mean, clearly there’s a lot of background here which is influencing your reaction. If you were on good terms and coparenting effectively, and your ex for whatever reason couldn’t make the nativity, I’m sure you’d be happy to share the photos.

Some people don’t have jobs that make attending a child’s nativity in the middle of a weekday possible. My DH worked long hours, 20 miles away, in a high stress, high commitment job, where at least at the time, taking time off for your child’s nativity was not the done thing - it may be different now. He never attended a single daytime school event, but I don’t think that makes him less of a parent, and I wouldn’t have seen that as a reason to deprive him of photos of said events.

First post nails it. Just don't bother. Just don't reply.

He's your ex for a reason and it's his job to build his own relationship with his DC. Maybe his family can shame/pressure him into being a present parent ...

Perhaps the more important question to ask yourself is whether your child would want their father to have photos of them in their nativity play to share with that side of their family.

This. My ex used to do similiar and treated me like his unpaid PA. I’m not.

What was his reason for not showing up?

Ignore.

There will have been plenty of parents who couldn’t attend due to work. It’s up to you whether the past means that you wouldn’t want to share, but I don’t think not going to a nativity is an automatic reason not to.

This!!!

Then he can turn up, be a present father and take them himself.

You're absolutely not wrong about my reaction, that's why I'm checking here. But he definitely could have attended, he has a part time, flexible role in the civil service. And school did several performances. As I said, he has form for this sort of thing.

Relieved to see that most people agree with me! It's just the kind of thing I know he'd try to make me feel awful about.

I was so tempted to reply with 'yes thanks, did you?' but he absolutely loves any opportunities to berate me and try to draw me into conflict so thought better of it!

Yes, say photos were not allowed by the school. You don’t work for him. You don’t have to do anything he asks now.

Many schools have a No Photos policy so you can say that without any hint at disapproval of him. You're not here to facilitate his being a sub-optimal parent, he can manage that all by himself. Like a pro, probably.