Pregnant friend and Christmas do

[AelinAG]

One of my lovely friends is about six months gone and as is traditional we’ve booked in a Christmas catch for our group. We’ve been a bit worried about her - the pregnancy is with a very new relationship and we’ve not actually met him yet, and she’s been referred to the mental health midwife for anxiety.

In every discussion she just seems to be saying she’s going to be utterly miserable and expects life with a baby to be terrible. E.g she’ll have to change her signature hair (that she’s had since school) to something more manageable as she won’t have time to get ready. Or she doesn’t expect to be able to travel again (with or without baby) till they’re in late primary. She won’t see any positives and it’s very difficult to respond to - I don’t want to belittle her feelings but equally I don’t know that it’s helpful to almost pre wallow when actually you don’t know it’ll be that bad?

When discussing plans for next week she announced that she’ll be driving us, and she’d like us all to limit ourselves to two glasses of Prosecco max as she doesn’t want anyone to be drunk and she’s very worried about missing out. She will drop us all home after, whereas we’d usually meander through Christmas markets, another few bars, maybe an activity.

Now, we’re going for an early lunch, so no one’s expecting to be on the tequila from the get go but equally everyone’s a bit pissed off to be told what they can and can’t drink and when they need to go home - but feels a bit mean to say that when she’s obviously struggling. It also feels like a bit of a waste of Christmas weekend!

Now obviously we could say to her get a grip but that’s not very nice. Would it be unreasonable to say actually shall we go for breakfast instead - done by half ten, no booze, everyone gets their day back and can then indulge in other Christmas activities with other groups of friends/partners if they so choose?

Is she getting professional help? While lots of women are nervous about the lifestyle changes that go with becoming a mother, she sounds downright depressed. Why is she having this baby?

This isn't normal behaviour and she shouldn't get to dictate what other people do. At some stage, all my friends (and I) have been the pregnant one and still enjoyed each other's company, even if the others did get merry. Sometimes 'the pregnant one' went home early and left the unfettered ones to party, which is completely understandable and was completely accepted.

I'd find her behaviour concerning if she were my friend.

You need to keep saying it. She’s being very unreasonable.

Being a supportive friend to an anxious mum-to-be does not mean pandering to her demands. However 'kindly' they are offered.
Say no to the lift... but maybe don't get smashed until she's gone home!

Okay I’m feeling very relieved with these posts! Normally I’d tell her to get a grip but she’s been so out of sorts I wasn’t sure if we were all being horrible witches and should just take one for the team so to speak…you’ve all provided me with much needed support, thank you!

As a PP, other pregnant friends/friends with small children have just got stuck in as usual and left early/not drank/had a breast pump in while out so this is a bit uncharted for us… one of the girls was at the eras tour at 38 weeks and in labour 48 hours later!

We’ll make sure we keep supporting her, any tips on how to do that from you wonderful bunch also appreciated!

She can’t insist that she comes then demand none of you drink. Gently tell her you WILL all be drinking, so she should join for the lunch then it’s fine if she doesn’t feel comfortable staying after that. Dont change your plans for her. She will look back on this and cringe, I’m sure.

This.

We are really concerned. She’s had a long term relationship end horribly (DV) and this new fella hasn’t even been on the scene a year - but she is so desperate to be a mum and her own mum had terrible difficulties getting pregnant so she was really concerned she’d be missing her chance that I think she’s rushed into it and possibly is not actually ready/regrets her timings. We’re mid thirties ish so she’s not exactly geriatric but it’s been playing on her mind since she was about 25.

I’m of the opinion that life is what you make it, so if you’re expecting to be utterly miserable you probably will be. When she said she’ll not be able to do her hair anymore I suggested heatless curlers and she went ‘mums haven’t got time for that kind of thing’ so I’ve stopped trying to offer solutions for the minute as I don’t actually think my approach is helping her

Ime patient reminder about reality is very good for anxious people, delivered as factual as possible and I’m saying it as an anxious person.
Keep reminding her that you are there for her and can help her with this and that ( if you do ready to help).
Dont give her chance to go into deep discussions she might say something she might regret later.

I’d say the lift is a kind offer but some of you may stay out so will sort their own way home. I’d probably ignore the drink limit comment and just everyone do as they please. She can’t seriously expect to police everyone’s alcohol. I’d go down the oh we thought you were kidding route.

She sounds very draining. Tell her you'll be doing what you had planned and it's up to her if she joins in or not. Don't allow her to bring you all down.

Lol which night did you go to the tour? I'm wondering which surprise songs the baby heard 🤣

Re the night out - decline the lift, everyone makes their way there, and tell her she's welcome to join any part of the evening she prefers and that obviously you gals will do what you do every year. No way is anyone limiting me at 2 glasses of prosecco 😅

Re pregnancy, well, she is right. Travelling with a baby/toddler is shit. I dug my heels in and have had 2 major holidays with my 1 year old and they were both so exhausting and pointless, I'm still kicking myself. It's horrible. Between managing my son's allergies in a foreign country, my son being overtired and overexcited and yet also anxious and not sleeping well at all, each holiday left me traumatised by the end...Hair, again, she's right. I didn't have 4 hours and £350 for a balayage appointment anymore.

Maybe instead of offering solutions, hear her out and commiserate a bit. I hate it when people patronise me and try to tell me things will be better when I know they won't.

Then move the conversation along. Distance yourself a bit if she doesn't move on because she does sound draining as hell.

Re. ongoing support, I think you could make a point of organising something else soonish that doesn't involve alcohol, so that she doesn't feel like her social life is over 😆

She doesn't get to dictate what the rest of you do. If she's worried about missing out now wait till the baby's here and she's expecting you to go the park or soft play. Sod that!

You can't always do what you want when you're pregnant or a mother, she needs to get her head around that fact.

That’s fair. We’re quite a solution based bunch so might be coming off as a bit patronising - even though she’s usually right there with us.

We’ve also (as our smaller group and the wider group) planned plenty of non boozy things, dog walks, shopping etc. She’s not been coming as she’s too tired which we’ve also tried to respect.

Why does she believe the world revolves around her? You're all too nice. It would have been a fuck off from me after I downed my sambuca infront of her face.

She’s being extremely selfish and unreasonable. She basically doesn’t want you to do anything that she can’t.

I have a family member and a different close friend who have been similar. It’s not unusual for people who are unhappy or suffering from depression to behave selfishly. It’s not their fault, but it’s common.

I think you should thank her for the offer of a lift but tell her that you won’t be going straight home, you’ll be carrying on having fun and possibly drinking. She’s very welcome to join you, but no pressure if she doesn’t want you to. Don’t go on afterwards secretly, tell her you’re sorry if the doesn’t want to go out for longer, but you shouldn’t all have to curtail your day, and you’re looking forward to her being able to join again in future.

She’s BU. I’m saying that as someone who had severe mental health in my 3rd trimester with my son.

You can’t dictate how many drinks your friends have or make them miss out because you are pregnant and feel like you’re missing out.

She seems quite immature. I think most normal people who struggle mentally in pregnancy wouldn’t expect this demand.

You're a better person than me: I'd be dropping that Negative Nancy from the group.

To be clear, I am not suggesting you indulge this whining too much. Quite the contrary, hear her out, commiserate as a good friend would, and move conversation along.

I find my anxieties are worse if I sit in them too long but also, she's not the first person to have a baby. There is an element of needing to grow up and get on with things.

And I wouldn't be centering my group activities too much around her. Like you say, she's too tired anyway.

She is being unreasonable but it's clearly her anxiety that's getting the better of her. I would thank her for the lift into town, but say that I was keeping to my plans and if she wasn't happy about that, she could let us carry on while she went home or whatever she wanted to do. She does sound depressed and pessimistic about her future, I agree with you that it's likely to be a self fulfilling prophesy rather than cast in stone reality. It's difficult as she's unlikely to be able to appreciate your point of view in addition to her own. She can't dictate what other people do though, she does need this pointing out tactfully to her.

Who made her social dictator?! I know she’s going through a hard time but that doesn’t excuse this dictating behaviour. This and just announcing she’ll drive you all…no! She can’t just make rules and order you all about. You’re not being mean at all. The rest of you need to have the day you want and if that includes more than two glasses of prosseco and a meander through the markets then so be it. She can’t say she doesn’t want to miss out, but also doesn’t want to be around drunk people. She has to choose between the two!

I feel really sorry for her and I would be very worried about her.

But she doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

I would say we’re happy to not drink too much during the lunch but we’re still planning on going to the Xmas markets and drinking and do it’s up to her whether she joins.

Perhaps say something light about next year it could be someone else who’s pregnant and so we want to keep the tradition as similar as possible and people can make their own choices about what parts they attend.

I do feel her struggle.
I was a single pregnant teen who was around my friends getting drunk, doing drugs, loads of sex, going clubbing and festivals etc and I was miserable and lonely.
But I would always help them get ready to go out and sometimes even go with them for an hour or 2 but I never, ever expected them to change their plans because of me.

Everything she says something like she will need to change her hair, or never go out again, just say, “well you just have to do what works for you”. Don’t offer solutions, if she asks then say that personally you didn’t feel the need to change your hair or give up nights out, but that’s what worked for you and everyone is different.

Personally, I would let her know that you will be planning to have some drinks, most likely more than two, and you won’t be going home straight after as you want to do some Christmas shopping or get a drink somewhere else after. That way she knows in advance and won’t throw a strop when people aren’t singing to her tune.

I’m of the opinion that life is what you make it, so if you’re expecting to be utterly miserable you probably will be. When she said she’ll not be able to do her hair anymore I suggested heatless curlers and she went ‘mums haven’t got time for that kind of thing’ so I’ve stopped trying to offer solutions for the minute as I don’t actually think my approach is helping her

I'm of the same mindset, OP, so not one to advise on how to approach it. If she's had the same hairstyle for years, it could be an opportunity for a refresh, but she's going to shoot everything down, isn't she? It sounds like the negativity is deeply entrenched.

I think you have to firmly but kindly tell her she doesn't get to decide what you do - all of you, not singling you out.