AIBU to think my ex-SIL wants my son to get drawn into boozing?

[pocketcoffee]

Hi all,

AIBU to think my ex-SIL wants my son to get drawn into boozing?

I am a longtime lurker... but haven't posted for a very long time.

Ex was alcohol dependent, (it's what led to our splitting up) and comes from a family where his dad was alcohol dependent, as were grandparents. Lots of drinks on the table at Sunday lunch, always had to stock up for when ex-PIL came to babysit (hated this). Ex-SIL was a bit of an enabler, offering to fund boozy birthday parties for my Ex, when I was trying to get him to stop drinking so much. I think she maintains a sort of 'perfect child' role in the family.

DS turned 18 recently - she gave him a £50 voucher from a wine shop. He went out and got a bottle of whiskey in. He had asked me to buy him whiskey for Christmas. I said no, and explained why.

I'm annoyed. I know DS is going to drink, but I've always maintained a more European approach - glass of wine occasionally, don't overdo it at the pub, glass of fizz on occasions. I stopped drinking completely just before we split up so as not to prop up the ex.

Is this what enabling / continuing an alcoholic pattern looks like? I am trying to work out whether to say something to this side of the family, or how to broach the dynamics with my son.

So, am I being unreasonable?

Thanks.

I'm not really sure what the issue is, your son has used the voucher to buy a nice bottle of whiskey. He hasn't been encouraged to down it all at once. I don't really see a problem with having a drink with Sunday lunch.

Hi Kitty,

Thanks for responding. My issue is the alcohol dependency / enabling that goes on in that family, and continuing the tradition by encouraging drinking with my son.

I don't think buying one bottle of whisky definitely leads to a path of alcohol dependance, no.

Just because your ex had problems you don't need to demonise the whole idea of drinking socially and moderately.

Even getting pissed is a rite of passage for most young people and they don't go on to have any issues later in life.

I think at 18, your son has to make his own decisions about drinking. What is he planning to do with a bottle of whiskey? Is he keeping it in his room and drinking it on his own?

If the other side of the family totally disregarded your attempts to help your ex, they certainly won’t help this time. If anything they might see it as a competition between you and them, and it’s your son who will pay the price. You’d be wasting your time involving them, and if anything giving them some power.
A good explanation to your son, and try not to imply to him that he is bound to end up as an alcoholic since your ex was. Don’t tar him with the same brush, tempting as it can be to make a point. You need to keep him on side, not alienate him.
I had similar with smoking. I’ve always hated smoking and my dad died of smoking related illness. I explained to my DC why I did not smoke, about my dad and why I would prefer them not to smoke. I also accepted that they were adults and ultimately the choice was theirs. I refused to allow smoking in the house or garden. They all smoked a bit at uni, and I’m sure the odd bit of social smoking might take place on a night out. But none of them are “smokers.” I know that for a fact.

I think you need to approach your son about this not kick of with your SIL. Mak sure he understands the implications and damage the drinking can do.

I am not sure you can force someone to become an alcoholic by buying them an alcohol voucher though - they either will or they won’t and you need to make sure your son can talk to you about things and be open with you

To give £50 for booze to an 18 year old, when there’s a long history of alcoholism in the immediate family is at best stupid, at worst evil.

Tell her to never do it again. And give her This Naked Mind by Annie Grace for Christmas.

Does ex-SIL know her brother is alcohol dependent? If so, I think it's a little bit of an insensitive gift.

Having said that, a gift of alcohol to celebrate reaching adulthood is not unusual. Perhaps if you've told her that he likes the odd glass of wine she thought he would buy himself a few decent bottles?

I don't think you're necessarily unreasonable, but I think you have to be careful not to project your worries on to your son. All you can do is be a positive role model, and have open and honest communication I think. He's 18 now, you can't really control what people buy him.

I hate people like this. Yes it is deliberate. I had a relative who always wanted everyone to be as reliant on alcohol as he was..

Hi Billie,
Neither do I - I am really talking about the enabling / aspect of this situation. My son is quite sensible and open to talking about things.

Hi Felicia, I don't know what he's planning on doing with it. Probably having a glass whilst he's on the PlayStation with his mates.

I agree with this. Why give an 18 year old vouchers they can only spend on alcohol?

Hi Toucan, yes this is largely the approach I've always taken - I was no saint at his age (or much later) but yes, they didn't step in because they don't see it as an issue.

hi L, no I am pretty sure that's not possible on the basis of one drink voucher, and yes, he's clear on the implications!

Thanks Dunder - and thanks for the book recommend. Yes, seems wildly lacking in familial awareness, pretty sure she's aware of my feelings about their history and why we split up.

I don't think one voucher as a birthday gift qualifies as "enabling".
My father was an alcoholic and I heard continuously from my mother that I had "bad genes" and should be careful with drinking. If anything, it had a rather opposite effect to what she was hoping to achieve in my early adulthood. Now, in my 40s, I barely drink. Despite my European family "enabling" me by offering me drinks at family gatherings, it all worked out perfectly fine.

Then just keep a close eye on him and hope any disruptive behaviour from SIL is for nothing.

I would try and limit their contact if you’re not there though so she doesn’t exert any further bad influences

Yeah I can see it's the way she gave him the voucher. But ultimately he was asking for whisky from you for Xmas so he could well have also mentioned it to her. So she was just getting him something he said he was interested in.

I'm glad he's sensible. I'm sure you've nothing to worry about.

hi Panda, I think she was aware, and I don't know if he's still dependent (apparently calmed down a lot) but she certainly was / is aware of family history, but possibly doesn't notice a pattern.

And yes, if he'd been given a couple of bottles of wine, I'd probably have been less irritated, although every social occasion is marked with boozing - bottles given by uncle at birth to be put aside, down the pub with dad for his 18th etc.

DS is quite sensible, I trust him, I just hate the family dynamic I guess.

So how does your son feel?
I have to say that as a young adult , 18-23 ish, DS drank quite a bit, came home drunk sometimes and so on.
He was never sick all over the place, comatose or belligerent. He was a ‘happy drunk’ chatty and friendly. Anyway, after uni he actually got a job with a wine company!
But he has learned a huge amount about wine, loves the job and has made a real success of it. He also moderated his drinking quite a lot as he has matured. (He’s a bit of a wine snob these days, only goes for the really good stuff. Well, it’s his money!)
I think that’s the case with a lot of young people, going a bit over the top before toning it down a bit, although sadly there are exceptions.
We are social drinkers too, (not so much me these days) so you could say it’s not unexpected. We’ve never had any alcohol dependency issues.
I suppose I’d say see how it goes with him and his own behaviour, how it develops, but you could also point out to him that your relatives’ behaviours are a bit off/worrying, given the family history.

Hi Sarah,

She's not reliant, it's her brother who was / is. But I've always suspected that that was mildly fortunate for her in their f-up family dynamic, iyswim

Thanks tarty! Your son sounds ace, and I share his views on quality over quantity! I'm sure mine will figure it out, he had the mother of all hangovers after going to visit his best mate at uni, so his age specific activities are on track - it's broaching their family dynamic that's the issue really I think, given everyone's responses. Due to my own family trauma, my lot are all estranged, so there isn't really any counterbalance to them other than me, and given my lack of love for the ex, can possible come over as a bit one sided.

Hi Catza, no, I don't think one voucher qualiifies as enabling, but she has history with doing other things with my ex - it's a pattern of behaviour that normalises the consumption and keeps people in their roles, whilst she's there as the 'golden child'. Not saying that's what is happening, but that's what I observed with her during my relationship with her brother. Sorry to hear about your dad. I try not to talk about 'genetics' in that sense. I was no saint myself, work in a what used to be a massively boozy industry, had a fabulous time in my twenties / thirties. I'm sure he'll be fine, but no thanks to them!

I know right? of all the million things she could have bought him, this was the choice. Underneath everything, it niggles away at me.