To feel said about lack of birthday wishes ?

[lulu55xxx]

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here but today it’s my 40th.
I don’t really have any family left as they have passed away.
My dad’s still here and I’m so grateful and I have a partner.
Anyway my mum died when I was 13 and I was obviously heartbroken,I don’t have brothers or sisters.
My aunt lives in New Zealand and always said she would be there for me.
She has a very comfortable life and never had to have a job etc so she’s in a very fortunate position so when her mum (my gran ) became unwell with dementia the burden fell on me to look after her from 18 to 35.
She didn’t really visit and didn’t even come for the funeral (as Covid was happening )
Anyway gradually in the last 5 years she hasn’t been in touch much.
She got rid of land line so never rings anymore (she used to ring weekly ) she rarely emails me and if I email her will reply once if I’m lucky and then nothing.
For my birthday and Christmas she would put £200 in my bank (which I never expected and I’m a grown up now so wasn’t needed ) she then would email telling me she had done so and wish me a happy birthday /merry Xmas.
This year she has put £40 in my bank but no email to wish me happy birthday /merry Xmas.
Its not about the money ,what hurts is her not caring enough to email me to want to wish me a happy birthday etc .

Since gran died I feel no longer useful to her and like she does the bare minimum.
I know it’s stupid but even tho I’m now 40 I still feel like a little girl inside at a times wanting to be loved and aching for that love I haven’t got from my mum.
When she would email checking on me or asking me to have a good time I felt special and like I had a female figure who cared( I know it sounds crazy )
I don’t know why she doesn’t care anymore
i don’t know what I did wrong.

Anyone ?

Happy birthday.
it’s my 50th today. Most of my family forget but I will still have a lovely day.
Hope you do something lovely. Xx

You’ve not done anything by wrong. When she said she’d always be there, it was empty words to make her feel better at your expense.

Happy birthday. I hope you can have a nice day and have something nice with your dad and partner planned.

Happy birthday.

Have you spoken to your aunt, she may be unwell? Or struggling financially.

Hi OP. Firstly, happy birthday!

It sounds to me like you want her to fulfil a role that she isn't willing to do anymore. Maybe she feels guilty about all the caring you did for her mother and pulling away is her way of dealing with it. Maybe she feels that, at 40, she doesn't need to make up for your lack of a mother anymore. Maybe she's wrapped up in her own life. Maybe she's hit financial difficulties and feels bad that the amount she can give is a lot less now and she hasn't emailed because she doesn't want to acknowledge it.

Whatever the reason, it's unlikely to be a you problem. You can't do anything about it, so I would try to expect nothing from her going forward. Focus on your dad and partner and those in your life who do acknowledge you. I know this is easier said then done.

The last time we spoke was September and she was on her way to Dubai for her husbands 70th
I responded wishing him a happy birthday /have a good time etc
Told her what I had been getting up too and then radio silence

Happy birthday @Norma27 hope you have a lovely day ,hope it’s not raining where you are ,chucking it down here -merry Christmas also

It's a natural reaction to assume that someone's behaviour is a response to something we did.

But it probably isn't anything that you did or didn't do.
She might be tired/unwell/stressed/busy/having a torrid affair with her Pilates instructor that is taking up all her thoughts/developed a belief that radiowaves from a phone are dangerous/just isn't that bothered about blood relatives after decades abroad.

It could be many things that you don't know or have nothing to do with.

So while I get that it hurts that you don't have an older female family presence in your life, you do also need to give yourself a kick and remind yourself that it isn't because of any flaw of yours. It's just bad luck.

All of us eventually end up not having a maternal figure in our lives, that is the natural process of ageing. It isn't your fault that it happened to you a bit earlier than for most people