Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell friend how bad her teen was

44 replies

ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 04:31

I have been looking after my friend’s kids for the weekend while she did something important, as a favour. She’d been going on about how awful her 13yo was, and today she really was awful. Very manipulative and ruined everything I set up, and then most badly kept my kids up for over two hours past midnight by keeping waking them
because she wanted to talk… all done with rude smirking and very deliberately. I think she probably wanted me to call her mum and disrupt things further.

I was going to just not tell my friend, so she could have enjoyed her weekend away. She knows how bad the girl is already, so doesn’t need the info.

OP posts:
JayJayj · 15/12/2025 04:33

She needs to know. I think you did right by not ruining her weekend while there, as it seems that maybe this is what the teen wanted. But I definitely think she should be told once back.

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 04:40

But it just seemed like that’s what the girl wants, to use her mum’s energy and ruin things. I feel it would punish her more not to have the air time.

OP posts:
Celestialmoods · 15/12/2025 04:45

There will be a reason for this behaviour if your sense is that she wanted her Mums attention. She sounds unhappy and insecure, which her mum needs to know about and deal with.

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 04:46

Yes, but her mum knows, they repeat this same routine every day it sounds.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt1 · 15/12/2025 04:46

If you don’t say the mum will think she’s ok out of the home or when the mum is not there which clearly isn’t the case.

Poppyseeds79 · 15/12/2025 04:49

ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 04:46

Yes, but her mum knows, they repeat this same routine every day it sounds.

So she's just a dick then? Mum already knows this, you're not telling her anything new. Just say X was a handful as expected, and is she looking to deal with supporting her?

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 04:49

That is a good point. Maybe it’d comfort my friend knowing she’s absolutely awful to other people too.

I told my own dd off for joining in but didn’t give any airtime to her dd— she was trying to become the naughty centre.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 04:52

@Poppyseeds79 yes I do think she was just being a dick. That is a good idea, to give a shorthand explanation. The mum has tried but there was nothing really to be done. She needs discipline if anything the mum is too gentle in approach. Like ‘no, this is dinner, you can eat a small portion but you’re not cooking a separate thing ~and don’t sit there scowling in your coat tipping things over while we eat ffs~.

As you can tell I am upset by it and didn’t like having to be grumpy. We had a treat dinner and Sunday night film and still she ninnied around past 12 keeping everyone up.

OP posts:
cobrakaieaglefang · 15/12/2025 07:10

Id tell her mum when she is collected. I'd tell the kid its a bloody miracle anyone wants to know her. Old enough to be blunt with.

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 07:46

She’s such an annoying kid, that’s what she wants though. She was annoyed that I got them all to do their homework, presumably because she wanted a detention. Very rich middle class socially undeprived kid of loving parents, for context.

OP posts:
ACatNamedRobin · 15/12/2025 07:50

cobrakaieaglefang · 15/12/2025 07:10

Id tell her mum when she is collected. I'd tell the kid its a bloody miracle anyone wants to know her. Old enough to be blunt with.

This OP.
She has to realize the rest of the world won't mollycoddle her forever.

Peclet · 15/12/2025 07:54

I would tell the mum too.

X played up quite a it waking my DDs well past their bedtimes and seemed to love the thrill/game of it all. She really wanted my attention and for me to ring you.

Sorry it’s not been the greatest of weekends but we muddled through.

ViaRia01 · 15/12/2025 08:01

You do have to tell her I think. Be honest about what happened in a factual way, without saying things like ‘she knew what she was doing’ because that’s your opinion and, although you may well be right, it is not a fact.

See it from the other perspective. If your friend returned home and asked how had her daughter been, if you had said “yes, all fine. No dramas. She was polite and helpful and the children enjoyed spending time together”, her mum would be left wondering why only she can’t seem to get her DDs respect and good behaviour. So it’s really not fair on your friend to downplay it.

LittleMidlander · 15/12/2025 08:05

cobrakaieaglefang · 15/12/2025 07:10

Id tell her mum when she is collected. I'd tell the kid its a bloody miracle anyone wants to know her. Old enough to be blunt with.

This. She just sounds like an unpleasant child that will grow into an equally unpleasant adult to be honest. Is she actually friends with your dc, or are you just friendly with the mum?

Owly11 · 15/12/2025 08:25

It sounds to me like the daughter needs professional help. It is not normal behaviour to wake kids up when you are a guest in someone else's house. Most kids who act out at home at least understand how to be respectful when outside of the home. If it were me I would be blunt with your friend as sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I would say something like a factual, neutral recounting of events followed by a simple statement of what the child needs eg she needs some boundaries and socialisation. And if she ever asks you to have her again just say 'no sorry it didn't go very well last time'. You need to put the boundary in that the mother won't.

Mischance · 15/12/2025 08:29

Perhaps just say:"I am so glad you have had a break. I can see how challenging X can be."

That way she knows the behaviour is not just with her. If she pursues it wanting more detail you could just say:"It wasn't easy, and I now understand how difficult things are for you. But we managed OK."

MeridianB · 15/12/2025 08:34

TheaBrandt1 · 15/12/2025 04:46

If you don’t say the mum will think she’s ok out of the home or when the mum is not there which clearly isn’t the case.

Yup, this. Because it is worse than just being a pain to your parents - it’s a symptom of something deeper/darker.

5128gap · 15/12/2025 08:40

I'd start with a phrase like "she was pretty unsettled and didn't seem happy..." then give the examples of her making it clear she had no interest in the activities and being awake and waking your DC. That way the mum gets to hear what happened, but is less likely to feel defensive.

ElfieOnTheShelfie · 15/12/2025 08:44

Sounds like fairly normal teenage behaviour worsened by badly applied gentle parenting. what’s the “natural consequence” of acting badly with your mums friend?

I think I’d say something gently to my friend like “glad you had a good weekend. Just wanted to let you know I did try to get your dd to finish her homework, perhaps she was hoping she could avoid it since she was away for the weekend or just over-tired since she kept the kids up chatting til 2am! I found her quite a handful so you might want to check if there are any bits she needs to finish off.”

Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 08:49

Yeah. I was at a real loss tbh. I think I managed it wrong by disciplining my daughter in the usual way and leaving friend out of it— for instance I made my daughter come and sleep in my room and issued a penalty for going along with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 08:50

But it was me going to their room and losing my temper, whispering ‘this is really outrageous to do this’ etc. Not great. But I was so annoyed by then.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 08:56

Mischance · 15/12/2025 08:29

Perhaps just say:"I am so glad you have had a break. I can see how challenging X can be."

That way she knows the behaviour is not just with her. If she pursues it wanting more detail you could just say:"It wasn't easy, and I now understand how difficult things are for you. But we managed OK."

This is very useful thanks. All these suggestions are great.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChersHandbag · 15/12/2025 08:58

It’s also just upsetting to see. The girl was so used to making a fuss, and wouldn’t follow a single plan without interacting with it and trying to vary it. What even is that?

OP posts:
Fluffyholeysocks · 15/12/2025 08:59

I'd concentrate on talking about your friends weekend, preferably in front of her DD. 'So, I bet you enjoyed the break ...
you deserve it... it's nice to have a change ....you look well on it...' Don't focus on the DD, focus on your friend. If asked about DD, roll your eyes and just say 'we got through it'. The DD wants attention so don't give it her.

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/12/2025 09:03

I'd let her know when she comes to collect her definitely. I understand you not wanting to ruin your friends weekend away by interrupting it but she absolutely needs to know what her child has done so she can discipline accordingly. Just because she already knows what the girl is like doesn't mean she doesn't need to know what happened.