To think there’s a present imbalance when you’re single?

[OhamIreally]

I have several couple friends. Generally it’s the woman I’m friends with but socialise fairly regularly with them as a couple/family.
I buy a gift for my friend and the children but if we’re getting together socially I feel bad turning up without a gift for the husband so I will buy him a small gift too.

I have frequently found myself in the position of having bought 3 or 4 gifts but they will present me with one gift from them as a couple.

This happened with my sister and husband and two grown children. I care about them and want to give them gifts but why is it acceptable for them to just give me one gift from all of them? So I spend upwards of £200 and they might spend £60, when they have two incomes and I have one. Irks me somewhat.

Start buying family presents like a board game and some chocolate

I agree but the way to get around it is to stop it! Buy your friend and her husband a gift they can share like some wine and chocolates or maybe a small hamper.

Something we do for single friends is they don't buy for us anymore and just the kids then I buy them a present from the kids so its a little bit more even

I think you need to change your own approach. I don’t buy separately for both halves of a couple unless I’m equally good friends with both and they do likewise. It’s either one couple gift to share, or a gift for the one I’m actually good friends with only.

With families with children, it’s always going to be an unequal exercise, but I think you need to separate it out. It’s not “I’m buying four gifts and only getting one back” but “I’m buying two gifts for people I don’t reasonably expect to buy me anything in return because they are children, but I do it because seeing children open presents is nice.” I’d cut down though on buying for friends’ children, it’s not necessary.

Exactly as pp said - buy a board game and a tub of Celebrations “from me to all of you”.

For couples - buy a nice bottle of wine, that’s enough.

A relative who had no children said this to me once. I was hurt as I always made a point of spending more on her present than she spent on me, probably what she spent on me and my children. I was offended and stopped presents.

That sounds nice @youalright

I wouldn't buy for my friends' children and partners, that's just odd.

I don’t really get the issue here, surely you don’t expect your sister and BIL to buy you separate gifts? Your adult nieces and nephews maybe, but if they don’t then maybe consider stopping buying for them if they’re over 18? Then you won’t feel resentful about it. I can’t help but think that dwelling on these things isn’t really in the spirit of gift giving though. I have a best friend whose 3 DC are my god children and much older than my own DC. For years, I’d buy gifts for her whole family, including her and her DH, and she’d just have me to buy for. Now there’s DH and DS too and she also buys for them. But no one’s keeping tabs one way or another 🤷‍♀️

On the other side, my partner stopped getting presents from his wider family when we had children as they now give to our children instead. His sister who doesn't have children still gets gifts from them.

You do not have to buy everyone a gift, and you do not have to spend so much.

I give presents to my brother’s children, but rarely anything or just a small token for him and his wife. He buys a decent present for me in return. All good.

Absolutely.

I get my brother & SIL joint Xmas presents, plus presents for their 2 kids, & they give me a present from their family.

I give them each a birthday present & they give me a joint one.

(And in response to a post upthread, no, they don’t spend a lot more on me than I do on them).

I was incredibly touched when my sister’s new partner (now DH) insisted on giving me separate Xmas & birthday presents from him, saying that it was only fair.

I agree, it costs so much more to be single 🤷‍♀️

That said there’s absolutely no way I’m buying my friends husbands a Christmas gift 🤯 in fact there’s an agreement between my friends and I that we don’t buy each other gifts at Christmas only birthdays.

I do think that’s kind of on you OP. We don’t have kids but give gifts to my single friends as a couple and then if they’re my friend they just buy for me. There’s no need to buy for others in the family if you don’t want to

Theirs is an imbalance but it is a choice you are making because you feel bad.

Buy a family gift as suggested by other posters. If these people genuinely care about you then they really won’t mind.

I'm single and I agree with this. I get small gifts just for my friends.

try being the only single one in the family!

In the last year alone I've bought (3 siblings, 4 niblings...so far)

6 x adult birthday presents
4 x DC birthday presents
1 x wedding present
1 x christening present

Not to mention spending a small fortune on wedding, hen and baby shower. Probably adds up to well over two grand.

Whereas I received £20 off each of my siblings for my birthday.

Since last year I've put my foot down for Christmas and have said I'm only getting the kids stuff - but they've taken that as 'no adults' which, yes, is technically fair enough but means I'm still shelling out at least £120 and getting nothing at all back! Personally if the shoe was on the other foot and someone was spending £60 on my 2 DC I'd get them an inexpensive bottle of wine or something just as a little thanks but hey ho....!

Yes, lots of inconsistencies when you are single as i noticed when I became single after divorce.

I had to speak to my sibling about it when we went on holiday as two families - them with two incomes, me with one

Once I had pointed it out then it was Ok and now we split things more fairly if on holiday or out for a meal.
They just hadn't thought about it but instantly knew what I meant when I mentioned it.

Not single, but have never bought for friends children even when I was. Just buy for friend.

That’s very sweet of you but my single friends purposefully just buy for me or one family present.

The nieces and nephews are adults. If they don't buy you a gift, you shouldn't feel obliged to buy them one. They are adult relatives.

What I would say is the power to fix your problem is in your own hands. Buy one gift for "the couple" and receive one gift from "the couple". The fact the adult couple also sign off, out of habit, including their adult children, doesn't mean they are children who need presents.

My poor old DM was like this, and it actually made her really bitter, so please don't get that way. With us, for a time she was a single parent with just me. But her siblings were married with 2 kids and the other with 3 kids. Each Christmas she would whine about how she had to fund presents for 5 other kids from one income, but the family with 3 kids had a double income and only me to buy for. She spent £60 on them and they had twice the cash to spend and only spent £20 on me. But if course, that's the right way to do it. It's not their fault if you're single, or just have the one child. Don't let it get to you. Circumstances are not your fault, not theirs.

I agree with the majority. Buy for the adult you know and want to buy for, but the kids are people you wouldn't expect a return gift from (if genuinely children and not adult nieces and nephews for example).

I am one of three and have two young children. My sisters buy both me and my husband a present and we give them roughly double presents in return each. But we don't give them extra for the presents they give our kids as otherwise we are essentially buying those kid presents.

If either of them were to have a partner then we'd still spend roughly the same as we do now but now to them as a couple. If either of them were to have children I'd see that as completely different. That is a present between us and our neice/nephew that we want to give them.

I don't see a single penalty when you think if it like this. I don't agree that couples should be seen as having double income as they are likely to have twice the family to buy for, so if they were to buy loads extra for both sides of the family to make up for the fact they were a couple, that would be a couple penalty.

Aww this is not fair is it? I’ve never once thought about this but they should be getting you something really lovely (more expensive 😂) to make up for it. Genuinely though I wonder if they’ve ever even thought about it?

I don’t buy for my friends’ husbands or children, unless we’re invited to a party for one of them.

You just need to stop buying for them.