To ask what is reasonable to expect here…stepparent?

[Overthinkerstinker]

Ok bare with me…
Context…I’m the biological parent and I see myself as fully responsible for parenting decisions, discipline, and major financial responsibilities. I don’t expect my partner to ‘parent’ my children in that sense.

That said, my partner is very kind and involved in everyday ways, helping with homework, giving lifts to school, offering advice when asked, and buying them Christmas gifts.
A friend recently commented during a conversation that these things are simply his responsibility as a stepparent, which made me curious about how others view this.

I’d be interested to hear what people think is reasonable to expect versus what might be natural evolvement, voluntary, relationship-based involvement.

We have no joint dc and that won’t be happening so this is the closest to having children that he will be.

I also want to know that I don’t expect these things from him obviously I expect him to treat them kindness and to treat them fairly and to help them should they be in need but I don’t expect him to be involved as he would be if he was their dad. For example, I don’t expect him to get up in the morning and make their lunches for school, that’s my job.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way about this. All families, and stepfamilies, have a different dynamic. So long as it works for you all, that's the main thing.

No its not his responsibility but its nice that he does.

i have a step daughter and I treat her the same as I do my DD, I’m not financially responsible for her in the sense of buying her clothes, school uniform etc I do believe that’s the parents responsibility, that being said if they couldn’t afford then of course I’d step in. I treat her to days out/toys and gifts in Christmas and birthdays. I would take her to school and make her dinner etc. I do think step parents should have a role in discipline.

I can only say what didn't work. I have a ds and work full time. I had a short relationship with a man who thought he didn't have to be involved at all.

My evening involved finishing work, collecting ds, going home, cooking supper while helping with homework.
Man friend complained that I was too busy for him but wouldn't cook or collect ds so I could get finished faster. It didn't work.

I think non-parent should offer to take over specific tasks to help. Up to the parent if they accept the help or not.

I don’t think there is a right or a wrong but presumably most people (not the few that post negatively about stepparents) only marry someone else and bring them into their children’s world because they want to be involved as a family.

I can’t really comment as we are a regular 2 parent family. But I know a man who made school lunches on occasion, taught his 2 step children to drive, went to graduations, helped with homework, went to parent teacher interviews, had a say in discipline. Even paid for orthodontics. Now he is a step grandfather and provides the majority of care for 2 of his 4 step grandchildren. I think he is a wonderful man and his family are lucky to have him.

In terms of what should be expected? I don’t think being completely hands off is ideal. He is a step parent after all. You are a family unit. I assume that would mean he would step up on a regular basis. For example pick up a sick child from school. Take care of them if you were going on a weekend away. Discipline them if you weren’t around. Discipline them even if you were around. Help with homework. Throw together a school lunch. I’m not sure how different preparing their school lunch would be to preparing dinner for you all in the evening. You all live under the same roof. You all have to eat.

I always took the view that my DSC already had 2 parents, they didn’t want, or need a third. So I never got involved in the disciplining side of parenting and to be fair I didn’t need to, they were good kids. I just took the view that they didn’t ask for me and I encouraged a lot of time alone with their Dad, made sure they were always included, always welcome, always knew it was their home. And yes I did the pick ups, drops offs, made lunches, took them shopping, bought their gifts, offered advice (only when asked!), mopped tears over the first breakup, helped with exams. And it’s worked out really well for us all. I bloody love those kids (who are now fully grown with kids of their own) and I feel very fortunate to have them in my life. We still see a lot of them, we often holiday together and they will always have a home at our house, no matter how old they get.

The lunches aspect I would never expect no, but there was one morning where I had been puking and he took over no questions asked. He drops/collects them from school/clubs, he will offer instead of me asking.

In terms of discipline he lets me take the lead but will back me up if I need it in any way. not in an authoritarian way just in a calm I’m on you mums side kind of way

My dd is 10. She calls my partner daddy (and her real dad “the spare” 🤦🏻‍♀️) we live together and he treats her like his own and I wouldn’t want it any other way as we are a family

😂😂😂love this

I think that if you want to build a life with a parent, you're going to have to be open to stepping up in this way.

If he is living with you, I think what he is doing is normal

helping with homework, giving lifts to school, offering advice when asked, and buying them Christmas gifts.

It’s fine for a step-parent to do these things as long as they are not taken for granted and it becomes expected as their ‘job’.

Do you ensure your child gets him Father’s Day, Birthday and Christmas presents and cards?

Do you and your DC do kind things for him?

I have been a stepmum twice. Dd's dad already had 2 kids when we got together. I have always been an extra adult, a safe person. I have attended parents evening when their parents couldn't due to work commitments, I have been called to school when they were sick of their dads days and they couldn't contact him, dealt with poor behaviour when picking up etc. We split up 8 years ago but I am still their stepmum. Dss was here on Thursday, dsd and I were on the phone yesterday and seeing each other later in the week. We spend Xmas together as one huge family.

Dh had a son who unfortunately died just under 2 years ago. He was 16 when he died and due to the distance away we had a very different relationship. I was a friend and just an adult he could talk to.

Where dd is concerned dh has a very hands off approach in terms of finances and discipline. He is more a friendly trusted adult than a parent, it is what dd is happy with.

I guess what I am saying is, every family is different. If your kids are happy with the set up then honestly, thatbis all that matters.

I think the way your friend worded it is annoying. “Simply his responsibility as a stepparent”. Did she praise him to you for clearly being a great stepparent? I’m guessing she didn’t. All very negative in her tone and minimising of the things he does.

You sound like you think very highly of your partner and you are grateful for everything he does for you and your DC. Your friend just sounds like she has that typical coldness towards stepparents and so full of entitlement.

Some people seem to be with partners who think making their own child’s lunch is beneath them, so perhaps your friend is in, or has been in, her own unhealthy relationship and is projecting that as being the norm.

My dh is an amazing step parent. He is involved in everything. My middle child calls him dad but calls bio dad imaginary dad (makes me chuckle)

My dh very gradually took on responsibility in every way for my dcs who were 6 & 9 at the time. Their father never cared about them. Dh has his own children and although I didn’t demand or expect it, he has enhanced their lives in countless ways, supported them in every way and given them opportunities they would never have had. As adults they adore him.

I think your partner has to be a positive influence in their lives and they have to like and respect him or it won’t work.