To not go to MIL christmas

[IcyPeachMaker]

So I don't really get on with MIL, she has always disapproved of me she is very old fashioned and believes women shouldn't have careers, they should be at home full time cooking cleaning etc this has caused much friction over the years and our relationship has just worn down. Every year I go to my family for Christmas, partner goes to his I usually go over to his family boxing day but this year I said I'm not even doing that I've just had enough of putting myself out every Christmas to listen to her crap. She never has bothered to come to any of my birthday meals, this year she never even bothered to send a card so I just think why should I keep putting myself out. This has caused a massive row with me and my partner he says I'm being completely out of order and selfish and that I should give up some time xmas day to visit her, AIBU to stand my ground and not go. Also if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice on how to survive Christmas?

Does he go to visit your parents on Christmas Day?

Why do you have to go? He is going and you’re not stopping him from seeing his mother and doing as he pleases so why is that not enough?

He has done in the past, not last year though he spent Christmas, boxing day and new years at his mom's, I went boxing day. Another reason I don't want to go this year he made no effort to see me family last year.

Tell him tough shit, if his mum was nice then you'd go but she's decided to be a horrible person to you and you have no inclination to see her.

Well, tell him that in keeping with the new arrangement, as per last year, he is under no obligation to visit your parents, of course, and you feel similarly there is no obligation on you to visit his parents. Particularly in light of her rather obvious disdain for your company. Ho ho ho, and merry fucking Christmas.

Tell him it's your family's turn. You expect him to join you in Boxing Day like you did last year. Or if he won't, you will graciously accept separate celebrations, but you couldn't offend your family by leaving them AGAIN to go to MILs when it's their turn.

Let him sulk if he wants to. He doesn’t get to control what you do and he clearly hasn’t invested much effort into getting his mother to show some basic manners towards his wife. He clearly thinks it’s easier to bully you into compliance than it would be to challenge his mother’s behaviour; of course he’s annoyed that you’re putting a stop to it. It’s inconvenient for him. I’d just tell him he’s shit out of luck and refuse to discuss it further.

I’m curious to know if your partner ever stands up for you against his mum?

The whole thing sounds like way too much work for my liking.

Is your partner really worth all this?

No never. He's very much a mommy's boy and mommy comes first. Unfortunately he lost his dad 5 years ago and that's made him even more protective over her

I don’t really understand how you can consider someone a partner if you don’t spend major holidays together. Is this relationship really worth this drama?

Fuck that, I certainly wouldn’t go. If he’s a mummy’s boy as you say, you have bigger problems than just Christmas..

Personally I'd be telling him not to hurry back...

This woman isn't going anywhere. do you really want all this drama in your life?

Doesn't sound like this is going to be a good relationship for you in the long run. do you have children? How old are you?

We've been together 19 years no children, another reason she dislikes me. I've often thought about leaving usually around the holidays because of the drama it causes. Its not that simple though as we run a business together, I usually end up just putting myself out and getting on with it for a few days of the year but this year I feel differently.

In my experience these relationships never last or you will resent him for the whole of the time you are together. Mums are important but you are his partner, he should be sticking up for you. I’d re consider the relationship

You should be spending Xmas day together at home. If family want to visit you leave the ball in their court. Take the stress out completely and enjoy.

It's lasted nearly 2 decades so far which is more than many relationships

Push your partner and see if he'll side with you or Mum (it'll be his Mum)

Men can be pathetic

Just don't go. If he brings it up again tell him it's not happening, no discussion. If he continues to bring it up use the broken record approach 'I'm not going' repeated as often as needed. He'll stop eventually, depending on how bright he is.

You mentioned he didn’t see your parents last year does he intend to see them this year?

I would point out that mil has never liked you and shown it, that he has never stood up for you, that he didn’t see your parents last year so the precedence has been set and moving forward it’s best you just see respective parents without partners

You’re married and don’t spend Christmas together?

Ask him why it's ok for him to skip visiting your family but not ok for you to skip visiting MIL? Let him splutter and tie himself in knots.
I'd tell him hes made it clear that he happily set a new precedent for Xmas when it suited him last year and you'll just keep to seeing your own families from now on and just repeat, repeat, repeat.