Do you think marriage as roommates can work?

[MentalToads]

Just that really. Interested in whether people always think better for kids and/or the wife to leave if you've become roommates with your DH?

Eventually someone will meet someone else and then it’ll all go to hell.

Kids are happiest in happy homes, whether that’s with one parent or two parents.

Just leave.

It can work if it’s genuinely a mutual decision and neither party falls in love with whomever they are having sex with.

I know an example of a happy couple in this situation - my closest friend from school and her lovely OH of thirty years.

But in other situations, one person has made the unilateral decision that sex is off the table and the partner is just expected to accept it. That seldom works out well.

Is that the sort of relationship you would like your kids to have? Because that’s what you’re modelling. Would you be ok if your partner started dating?

It works for us because we are best friends and we don’t have any sex drive any more!

Yes, if both parties are genuinely happy with the decision. Not everyone is interested in sex or a sexual relationship, after all.

Oh totally fine. I'd like him to have sex with someone else. When he goes out with his friends a part of me hopes he might fancy someone and have some fun. Don't think he ever has.

I was listening to a programme on the radio about single women coming together in homes to raise kids together and it was being celebrated. And I thought maybe not so bad when happens to couples then. No fights, co existence.

I can see you both have to be clear about things.

I think if you stay together long long term (25+ years) a normal healthy marriage gets a bit like this.

Yes, I've done it for 4 years but am in my 50's. I don't think it would work if you were looking to date other people, that has too much potential to get messy when there's young children involved IMO.

Personally I think it's better for parents to stay together, I know as a child that I needed that stability and consistency more than anything else and would have been devastated if my parents split - even though I wasn't at all close to my dad.

Hmm @tv12345 I tend to agree

I read a book that said kids just want no drama. So roommate marriage is far better than conflict divorce. But if you had conflict marriage that divorce better to give child peace.

Possibly, if both people are still kind and respectful towards each other and genuinely content with the arrangement. If there’s any resentment simmering beneath the surface, it can create a tense atmosphere, so boundaries and expectations would need to be discussed honestly and in depth.

One thing that’s often glossed over when people decide to stay together for the DC is the relationship being modelled. The focus is usually on short-term stability and avoiding conflict, which is understandable, but the longer-term impact can get overlooked. As adults, children often replicate the relationship dynamics they grew up with. Most parents would be horrified at the thought of their adult DC enduring years of quiet unhappiness in a relationship, even if it was outwardly calm.

A relatively unusual example, ai suspect:

i have good friends, housemates, where the man was gay. He would have the occasional fling but nothing serious. We already teased them that they were essentially married as they were such good friends and did everything (bar one thing…) together, including sharing a bed at least a fair bit of the time. They lived in a shared own home, worked together, holidayed together, had a dog together etc.

30 years later, they have married. I don’t know what goes on behind the curtains, I suspect nothing, but it works for them and they are a glorious couple, as they have always been.

As you get older you often get less interested in sex, so as that wanes and you still like your OH it can work. I have lots of friends who no longer share beds with husbands and they're still happily married. I also have friends who have divorced and they are less happy than when married - but also some who are much happier.

So it depends on the circumstances.