DP and I have been together >10 years and have 3 children (2 primary and 1 secondary age).
Our relationship has been toxic from the start - DP cheating (messages, online stuff, occasional meet ups, exchanging numbers on a night out etc). This was all in the first 4 years of being together; I’m 99% sure this hasn’t happened over the past 5 years.
He is also verbally and emotionally abusive towards me probably 50% of the time.
sexually abusive through co-ersion.
I used to claim he was narcissistic as he has a lot of traits, although over the past few years these traits appear to have improved - unless I’m just numb to it now?
He can also speak to our daughters in a similar way to how he speaks to me.
Despite the picture I’ve painted above, we can have good times together and can get on well. And life can be okay at times. He can also be a good dad. Although I do question whether he’s “overly jolly and fun” attitude towards the kids is actually a dig at me when he’s caused me to be in a low mood? But obviously the kids don’t see that and just see a “fun, upbeat dad”.
anyway, I know I need to leave. I’ve known for a long time. But I feel trapped. And feel I can’t.
we privately rent, and are due to move in the next couple of weeks.
I have no savings, I work full time and have an income and know I would be entitled to UC as a top up. Realistically I do feel he would give me a decent amount of child maintenance. He’s self-employed and doesn’t declare full income, which he knows i could use as a bargaining tool to ensure I get what he should rightfully pay.
my gut tells me this is the right time to actually just find a house for me and the children and put an end to things finally.
but practically, there are no houses in my area that are suitable or priced at a reasonable rental rate. I have no family that I could move in with.
im scared. I’m scared of going backwards and starting from scratch. I’ve financially depended on him as the main earner for years. We currently have a comfortable, fortunate life style. The children have wonderful holidays, experiences, home, materialistic things, clothes, car etc. I would do my best to still give them a similar lifestyle but I don’t know how reasonable it then is as a single parent. I know the most important thing is a happy home life and happy mum and children, I know none of the above actually matter - but that’s all we’ve ever known.
my mental health is rock bottom. I have been through SO much over the past couple of years. I’m amazed I’m still here. I’m scared that making this step would make my mental health even worse when I’m already at rock bottom.
equally, I know him and our relationship is one of the main causes of my poor mental health. And actually leaving would improve my mental health.
HOWEVER, considering his narcissistic tendencies, I’m concerned that he’ll make my life a living hell with control etc. I’m scared that the grass won’t actually be greener with the new struggles that I’ll face once separated.
I have no friend support as I’ve had to distance myself over the past couple of years due to my struggles and keeping in contact was another area that was stressful. I also didn’t want to feel like a negative burden on my friends, so my contact continued to decline.
I have a rocky relationship with close family. They will provide support, but it’s not always easy or straight forward.
our lives will change massively if I leave, but nothing is going to improve if I stay together. But I don’t know whether to just try and bide my time, work on improving my own mental health, try and keep myself busy etc and build a plan and path for me to leave in the future when my children are a little older and I’ve hopefully created financial stability for myself. The only downside is I’ll continue having to live with his shit and waste my time when I could be happier without him.
or do I just bite the bullet and leave? Knowing it’ll be really difficult, but also knowng that I’m being true to myself, can start to build a happier life, be one step closer to in the future finding someone who truly loves me for me, and stop putting my children in toxic home situations?
I don’t know whether I’m after advise or a hand hold…
but I’d really appreciate other people’s views. I know there’s a lot of women out there who are in a similar situation and are also biding their time. I’ve been doing this for a long time now, and my gut is telling me that with the upcoming house move, now would be the best time? Despite not being in a financially secure situation and with really poor mental health.
sorry and thank you if you’ve got this far!