DH disappointing after me having cancer

[pinkfleecepyjamas]

Can’t think of a better thread title for this.

I had cancer this year; the short story is I ended up having to have a mastectomy and am now out of active treatment but it was a very very difficult year. We have young children in primary school and navigating all of the treatment around them was really hard. I also now take Tamoxifen which is an absolute bitch of a drug, I will have years of MRIs and mammograms. I am in weekly therapy for it, especially my worries about it coming back. It really has been horrible. But I am trying to move on.

On to DH. During treatment he was great, took on all the school runs, shopping cooking cleaning etc without complaint (we didn’t have much additional support). Took time off work at the drop of a hat when it was needed. Very reassuring around my surgeries, very kind. He was great. However - since ‘active’ treatment ended it’s like he feels we all just revert back to normal. And I don’t know whether it’s the experience of cancer, that facing mortality of it all, but now I just find his ‘normal’ so boring.

He never wants to do anything; I could suggest the most stress-free day out with the kids (even just a walk!) and his knee jerk is ‘no’ or ‘why do you want to do that’. We have the same day off during the week and I suggested a month ago we did something with these days together, make the most of it - the first time, I booked lunch out and it was fab, we had a great day. He hasn’t once suggested a thing since. In fact the day rolls around and after school drop off he just goes out for his long run (anything up to 2 hours) then just stares at his phone the rest of the day.

I just feel so irritable about it all. I want to make the most of my days, now more than ever. No I don’t need a huge event planned every single day, but I don’t think even a nice walk on a day off to spend quality time together after everything we’ve been through this year is too much to ask. Maybe a coffee. Even the cinema, I’ve mentioned this a few times and he’s just like ‘nah’ and that’s that (once or twice I’ve just gone by myself). We don’t have family support for babysitting so it’s so infuriating he won’t do anything with these days.

What’s also frustrating is, he’s started to broach intimacy (sex has been non existent for months, for obvious reasons!!). But I just don’t want to. He isn’t being pushy, but when he tries to discuss it I just want to push him away. I think, how dare you - you’ve not wanted to spend any time with me for weeks and suddenly I should just bloody yield to your touch. For now I keep saying I’m still working on the idea of intimacy and being naked etc since my mastectomy with the therapist (which is true) but the real fact of it is; if I felt at all attracted to him right now I would. I just don’t. Because he’s just making me feel so unwanted.

I really want to broach this with him but without it being an argument. I want to try and make him understand how unloved I’m feeling. I keep considering maybe suggesting we both go to a counselling session together. I just don’t know what to do. This just isn’t the life I want after surviving cancer.

Just ask him when would be a good time for a chat and set aside the time and talk to him. Why would it need to turn into an argument? He sounds like a good man and everything you say is inderstandable and reasonable.

I wonder whether it might be worth looking at MacMillan or another cancer charity to see whether support they provide in terms of “life after cancer” type stuff? I’m sure you aren’t the only couple who have struggled with this adjustment.

Was he like that before your cancer?

Maybe he is depressed/anxious? No doubt it has all been hugely traumatic (and exhausting) for him too.

I feel a bit sorry for him.

Could you maybe have a look for a couples counsellor? Just to help you both navigate moving forward?

He doesnt sound like a bad guy but he does sound like he needs it spelled out.

I think couples counselling would be a great idea. He did step up when you were ill, he obviously loves you but I would bet there are a lot of feelings of fear and anxiety that he is repressing because a) he doesn't know how to talk about it and b) he doesn't want to burden you with his feelings after all that you've been through

The frustration you're feeling isn't unreasonable at all - often people expect you to be relieved and elated after finishing cancer treatment and your feelings are a lot more complex than that. Facing your own mortality is a trauma that it can take a long time to come to terms with and ongoing monitoring adds to the fear. I'm glad you're having therapy for some support in dealing with all of it.

I think if you have couples counselling, you can explore the issue of intimacy and hopefully help your DH understand that it starts with feeling connected and close and spending time together, before physical intimacy.

As a gross generalisation women need to feel emotionally close to a man in order to want to have sex, whereas men need to have sex in order to feel close to the woman. As you both try to re-establish intimacy you are each coming at it from different, clashing angles. You need to talk it through.

I wonder if you would both benefit from counselling - it all sounds incredibly traumatic for both of you, and perhaps you both need help coming to terms with what happened and how to "move on", as it were.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You're experiencing a common survivor effect, which is that you want to "live" now that you can. He's experiencing a common supporter effect which is trying to go back to "normal". Neither of you are wrong but also neither are right.

You need to sit down and establish a new normal. You don't want to do things just because, you want to spend time with your husband. You need to tell him that. You should also probably discuss, with your therapist, your intimacy response. It's a bit problematic he isn't picking up the queues, but, according to your post, you're also not being entirely truthful as to the reason you're refusing to be intimate.

My advice is to not fall into the trap of many survivors of seeking an unreachable life now that you're in the clear. But also that your husband has to take on board you want to create memories and joy WITH him. If he doesn't want to do that, you'll both need to consider couples therapy. He may very well be seeking out your old, "normal" life to cement his idea that everything is fine now rather than deal with the trauma of his wife having had cancer.

It sounds like it’s been a really tough time for both of you - he may be feeling exhausted from the stress of it all and just wants to stay in a rest on his days off? But understandably doesn’t want to burden you with his worries.

While cancer has affected you, it will have affected him too and maybe he needs emotional support as well - particularly if he took everything on when you were having treatment and didn’t process his own feelings? I wish you both best of luck

I came across this after illness and found it a cathartic read:

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf

I think he might also need his own counselling. Has he spoken about his fears over your diagnosis and treatment? You have both been through a very tough time and will both still have unresolved fears over the future.
Perhaps his “getting back to normal” is his way of (not) dealing with it, whereas yours is a “let’s make this day count”?
Maybe his agreeing to do things like that makes him scared that he thought he might lose you, and he can’t face that thought? An almost “if I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist” thing?

I strongly suggest you get couples, and potentially individual counselling. Both of you are having to adjust to a second "new normal" - post treatment life.

From your point of you, you have an increased awareness of mortality, and you want to live with more vitality. That's totally reasonable and understandable.

From your DH's point of view, he's been caring for you (and doing so well from what you say) and the stress of doing that while you've been so ill might have burned him out a bit. He wants to return to "old normal", and he wants to be a bit selfish about how he spends his time. That's also totally reasonable and understandable.

It also might be the case that you are both struggling to break out of the carer/cared for person dynamic. You want him to be attuned to your needs, and you don't see those as "caring" needs, but from his point of view, its still a focus on your needs. He wants to break out of the caring pattern, so he's trying stuff like sex, and going for long runs etc. Lots of couples find the transition back to "couple" from "caring" difficult.

Neither of you are wrong, you are just adapting after a stressful time.

Sending lots of love to both of you

if you think discussing things would be difficult and end in an argument, could you write down how you feel in an email or text? Just how you have written it here?

Personally I don't think he's done anything wrong. He could be worn out from all the caring and being the main active parent, and needs to relax instead of going out? Perhaps he's trying to recharge his own batteries and wishes to enjoy his time with you. Couples therapy may help. Obviously you're physically well, but the cancer has affected your mental health.

It sounds like he coped with it by making his world smaller and predictable, like a reinforced comfort zone, which gave him the capacity to do all the other things while you were ill and not mind about any of the things he might be missing out on. He hasn't snapped back as quickly as you have, that doesn't mean he's boring.

I think it's fine for you to take the lead, make the plans and organise things without expecting it reciprocated straight away. Ease him back into real life without the pressure and get to do all the fun things you want to do. Stop asking for enthusiastic input, just say you want to see the film and book tickets.

I actually think this is a common problem, outside of anything cancer related, I know quite a few couples where the woman is really disappointed that the man shoots down ideas for doing stuff but doesn't have any ideas of his own or organise anything for the two of them, despite managing to organise things for hobbies etc.

Have you had a discussion about it already? What would happen if you said to him that the last few times you've suggested something he shuts it down without suggesting an alternative, and you're hurt that he shows no signs of wanting to spend any sort of quality time together when you have chance on your day off

About a decade ago, DP had a serious illness that left her bed bound for the better part of a year. While that year was hard for me (obviously much worse for her though), the aftermath was in a way even harder.

While she was ill, my role, my purpose was really simple. Do everything I possibly could to make the house run smoothly. Work were great and allowed me to go part time, so I was around for DD outside of school hours. And I also needed to make sure DP didn't go stir crazy sat in bed all day, it was exhausting, but it was simple, and it didn't leave a lot of time for thinking about the situation in more abstract terms.

That came when DP started to get better. DP had spent 9 months in bed contemplating her own mortality, and wanted to get out and about and make up for all the life she'd missed out on. I on the other hand just wanted to sleep, but couldn't because my brain was now letting me come to terms with the fact that DP had nearly died. I was also worried about DP overdoing it and regressing. I wanted to wrap her up in bubble wrap, and that was easier to do at home.

It took a lot of long talks to work out what our new "normal" needed to be. My biggest mistake was not going to therapy earlier. It felt kind've selfish to do it, like admitting that Id found looking after the woman I loved hard was a betrayal of her in some way.

So yes, talk to your husband. Explain to him that while he was great during your illness, you need something different from him now, but also accept that he may need something from you too at the moment, and that might be a bit of distance sometimes.

Once DP was fully well, we had a couple of weeks apart. She went on holiday for a week with her sister and friends, and then once she came back I went away for a week on my own. Booked a little AirBnB in the lake district, and just spent a week with my thoughts, out walking in the rain or sat in a pub with a book. For us, that was what really reset the relationship and got us back on track, it gave us the opportunity to miss each other.

Couples therapy he’s probably still in shock!

Things to bear in mind. Women need emotional intimacy before feeling like sex, but men often need sex to show emotional intimacy. Not suggesting for a minute you should be doing anything you don’t want to, but might help with understanding his thought processes.
It can also be difficult for someone to swap from months of having a patient or carer role back to being a partner again.
I’ve had a very similar year to you. My DH has been great (I’m still on active treatment) but it really is a hideous time. Try to give yourselves time to slowly recover.

I am similar just been through a mastectomy it's such a life changing experience but for your DH as well. I think the pressure to get someone through all of that is a lot and he has been supporting you as well as him being worried and having his own trauma of having a wife going through cancer and looking after the children he is probably traumatized too. Keep communicating you have both been through a lot

So sorry you had cancer with such young children. Glad your DH was supportive during that. I have also had cancer, mastectomy, chemo, radio, diep, full node clearance, Tamoxifen though my kids were 14 and 15.

My DH was like yours during treatment and did lots and was lovely. Cancer like this seems to split up a lot of couples or make them stronger. Often the ones who split it's right at the start, men who don't want to help out or women who just want a different life. It's a thunderbolt and makes everyone re-evaluate. I think you clearly love each other and it's just finding a way forward.

It's common after cancer to want to live life to the full and not wait for things, this can generally be a very positive force but you need to find a way to make it work for your family. My DH does do lots with me but it is me who comes up with ideas and it's worth trying more ideas. We tend to try and do one really nice day every month or so, yesterday we went to see the seals on the beach at Horsey with the seal pups and to the 1940s cafe there. That is something could do with the kids as well if anywhere near Norfolk. Sometimes I do things with a child instead of DH. We also garden together which sounds dull and obviously not the ideal weather atm but that gives us chance to talk, buy beautiful plants and see the garden transformed. DH has got really into it, it's good exercise as well and 3 to 5 hours exercise a week halves the risk of breast cancer returning. My DH also comes swimming with me, sometimes he just sits on the side but even the car journey gives chance to chat. Could you ever join him on a run?

I have breast cancer, apparently it is a thing that sometimes people don’t really start process what’s happened until after treatment, it’s a long road. But you need to talk to him and also I would suggest trying to find other people to do things with as well, so you’re not so reliant on him, this will align with your desire to live a fuller richer life,
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I think, how dare you - you’ve not wanted to spend any time with me for weeks and suddenly I should just bloody yield to your touch.

Tell him this. I think you should be blunt.

I also agree that you both need counselling, after a year of huge stress and worry he might be unable to plan and go out in the way you want to and need the switch off time but you need to find a way forward together.