Feeling resentful about husbands new business

[DeliahS]

I really need to get this off my chest. My husband has started a business, and he is genuinely very talented at what he does. However, the actual running of the business is something he really struggles with. I offered to help with some of the admin because I have a background in it and I’m very organised, whereas organisation is not his strength.

We are clashing a lot. I tend to hold tasks in my head until they’re completed - even if they’re written down, they still feel “pending” to me. So when I need him to send paperwork so I can invoice a customer or get something booked in, I just want it done so it’s no longer hanging over me. His approach is very much “I’ll do it later,” often without any clear timeframe, and that’s where a lot of the frustration comes from.

I really want to step away, but the reality is that the business wouldn’t function without my support at the moment, and he can’t afford to employ an admin. On top of that, I run my own business during school hours and evenings, and I’m also a mum to three children. There is genuinely no break - I move from my work, to his work, to parenting, constantly.

I can see that he gets overwhelmed by the running side of the business, and while he is busy, delays with invoicing mean the cash flow hasn’t yet settled into anything steady. I want to be supportive, but I am stretching myself too thin. If I’m honest, part of me wishes he had never started the business at all.

We have completely different approaches to running a business, and without wanting to sound arrogant or unkind, I genuinely believe my approach would be more effective and sustainable. That belief, combined with the pressure I’m under, is making this incredibly hard.

We have an otherwise great relationship but this is putting a lot of strain on us.

Any successful business needs both skills, and these are never from the same person. You recognise it at some level, does he?

I don’t believe the business would be better “your way”. Whatever DHs skill and vision is, is what will make it successful, BUT, there does need to be somebody picking up those aspects that aren’t his focus or strength. If as you say he is genuinely really good at what he does that’s the businesses USP and should be first and foremost in how you categorise and present it.

Recognising you approach it from different perspectives and both are valid is critical here. It won’t be sustainable with one or other, it’s about respecting your different skills sets and using this to the companies advantage. You both want the same thing, you just do it differently. Questioning each other, challenging each other and letting each other “thrive” for the big picture is what you need to aim for.

I am DH, my DH is you OP, we working brilliantly together, we do have moments of frustrating each other, we both have to occasionally compromise at different times. We both recognise that and both accept that at different times one or other has a stronger argument for then situation. We both understand the roles and responsibilities the other should and shouldn’t take a lead on.

support him, challenge him and grow it.

Many peple who are highly talented struggle with the admin side of the business. To them it is routine, boring and mundane. It does not challenge them intelectually. I run a small business single handed and while I recognise that the admin is important, it does irritate me. In order to cope with these uninspiring tasks I am a planner and a maker of lists because I can no longer hold all the jobs in my head. However I understand perfectly about your orientation. Until a task is signed off and ticked on my list its still "pending" on the edge of my consciousness and preventing me from relaxing.

Are there any aspects of the business that you can farm out to AI? Im thinking of publicity, reports, customer communications to cover the basic topics. I allowed AI to compile a list of stock emails for routine queries that are likely to come up so I can just paste them in. That means I dont have to invest emotional effort into lost or delayed packages, customs queries and so on.

Thank you both! Really great responses and definitely something to reflect on. @TMMC1 your perspective is really helpful and I do think once we can combine our ‘talents’ it’ll work well. It’s just tough getting there at the moment. Although the business is in the early stages, it has the potential to really change our situation. So I think we are also both holding the pressure of that too. How long have you and your husband been running a business together? Has it gradually felt easier over time or did it feel okay initially?

@Friendlygingercat thank you for this. We are eventually thinking of an AI receptionist, atleast to take some of the bulk over. We are unsure of how responsive customers will be to this though, so we are still researching this. As I’m not sure it’s really taken off in the UK as much as in the US, it’s tricky to find others in the industry to ask. I like your idea of using AI as an organiser. I need to get to grips with it, but I’m sure time spent learning how to best make use of AI will be beneficial in the long run.

Life just feels so busy, I guess there’s something to be said about this adjustment stage too. It feels really unsettling.

Can i suggest the two of you schedule a set time each day for you to sit with him, with both of you on your computers while he pulls together the info you need from him, and then you action it in the moment, it can be very productive and fun. Speaking from experience with a similar style DH.

AI is totally in the UK, you just aren’t “seeing” it!
Like @Friendlygingercat I have zero tolerance for admin, but I am totally driven by customer service so would never AI emails re missing parcels and so on.

It really depends what the business is and how it works as to where AI fits for you.

@DeliahS we’ve run our business together for three years. We both have different backgrounds, DH b2b and me b2c. We are both product people and creative. He thinks in numbers I think in customers. The challenging part for me early on was his lack of understanding of d2c and his with me was my total inability to do or even be bothered by a VAT return or accounting things. And how uncharacteristically stressed I became with any accounts/companies house type tasks that were really small. I’ve “trained him” in thinking “customer”, when we disagree on something I explain what I was proposing and what I want to achieve from it and then let him “find a way” to make the numbers work. he has never disagreed with my desired outcome. I sometimes compromise on how to get there.
He now has no expectation of me dealing with accounts other than sending invoices to him to process. He will forecast, I will order. They may not match! It’s rare we get it wrong.
It was ok to start with and it’s got better.

In this situation I am DH, not a chance I’d do that. I do this one or two evenings a quarter for the VAT return. I’d cope with once a month if necessary, daily would drive me insane. But I do know what is required so do send/forward daily.

Thanks for this @SeaToSki a very practical and sensible suggestion. I’m afraid Mon-Fri I work evenings after kids go to bed until 10pm. I’m very knackered when I finish and DH is asleep. I guess we could try a couple of hours on the weekend. I’m not sure how keen he’ll be, but I guess we atleast need to explore options to see how we get on. We definitely need to find our groove.