Midlife Crisis for Two…

[RunItOff]

Get your violins out for this… 🎻

Seriously, looking for some hard truths about how to snap out of doom and gloom, or may be we are doomed. It seems that we have both lost our zest for life, and personally I am not sure if we can recover or recover together.

We are in good health and have no financial issues, though both are massively stressed at work and insecure about running out of money / not being able to earn, stems from our respective formative years. Empty nesters, he is childless but raised DD together. Elderly DMIL that he sees twice a week. My family are abroad. We have drifted apart from all friendships as somehow the get togethers have stopped feeling enjoyable, everyone just moans. We never now just moan about shit work days, nothing mundane to talk about, hollow existence, weekends are filled with chores, we find time to exercise, but everything just feels like a Groundhog Day, slightly angry with life and each other. We have every resource at our disposal to be happy but we are just not enjoying life or each other’s company. Sex dwindling off.
I am constantly stressed with work, close to tears most evenings with it, CBA with social life and activities. I expect some to say HRT will fix me, but what about him? He is miserable, I spend more time at home as WFH, so naturally do more housework and resent him for it, because as well as more chores, I am the high earner. He works exercises, washes, eats and falls asleep on the sofa every working day.

I am worried that we have long 20 years of miserable slog like this, then retire and drop dead. What is the point then?

Has anyone got out of similar mid life misery? Any advice is welcome.

You need a hobby to do together, something fun that will add some engagement into your lives so you can see what you originally saw in each other

You need to get a hobby together and out of this rut ASAP or you will both die early.
Anything.
Wild swimming winter and summer
Gym
Join a naturist club
Learn to ride motorbikes or scooters - great social life right there
Go and see some bands
Star camping and hiking
Anything!!!!
There is no excuse for your lives being this dull.

ifbi was in your shoes I would:

1. See a financial advisor about passive income in your retirement
2. get pet, if this is something you would like to do.
3. perhaps volunteer for one day a week, this will get you out of the house / meet other people
4. write down all the thing u r grateful for
5. Increase your exercising to get the feel good hormones pumping
6. Join a gym / swimming pool
7. do something different every 3 months ie go to the theatre / museum

hth.

I was dreading the hobby comment, but I am grateful that you took the moment to comment. Exercise is our hobby, though we do different things. But if nothing else appeals naturally, how to you even get into something?

Thank you, guys. The things above - are these common sense helpful ideas or something you have deliberately done in your own lives to get out of rut?

@RunItOff being stressed at work is really key

And you're saying you're close to tears every night

I'm not clear what the financial situation is from your post. It sounds like maybe you don't have to worry, but you worry anyway?

If you don't have to do a job that's leaving you close to tears every night, then please don't do it

You are both aware of it and you want to change it, which is the biggest step.

I am baffled how weekends are 'filled with chores' if there's just the two of you. Chores for two people should be doable in a single morning if you both chip in, leaving the rest of the weekend free for fun. You really MUST prioritise fun and relaxation as highly as chores. Try getting all chores done on Saturday morning. Do the essential ones first - weekly shop, quick clean of the house, change the beds, rubbish out etc. But if the car doesn't get washed or the grass doesn't get mowed or you don't get round to clearing out the garage/attic/store cupboard, so what? Then go out to a cafe for lunch with some old fashioned real newspapers and magazines, and just enjoy unwinding. Share silly or interesting stories with each other but avoid doom and gloom.

Why don't you each make a bucket list of twenty things you have always wanted to do, big and small. Then compare them. If there is any overlap, prioritise those and organise to do one of them on a specific date. Then tick off all the easy smaller ones, while saving up for, or getting in training for the bigger ones.

You can also make a list of things you used to love but have stopped doing and start doing them again. DH and I both adored live theatre then DC were born and we couldn't afford to go for years and years. Now DC are grown up, mortgage is paid off and we go a couple of times a month. We both signed up for all sorts of ticket sites so we get a lot of offers and reduced prices. We also go to see art exhibitions a lot and occasionally to music gigs if bands we love are playing.

But it doesn't have to be big stuff. Create small enjoyable rituals together. DH and I make early morning tea, fill the bird feeders then sit out on the garden swing and listen to the bird song while we drink tea. It's just five minutes before getting ready for work, but as long as it isn't raining, we do it. Or we put on favourite music from when we were younger while cooking dinner. We take turns organising dates for each other. Usually things to do, not just dinner. You need to have new experiences together, shared adventures.

I think you just have to try new things. If you are both sporty but do different things usually, try a week's surfing holiday or a kayaking excursion, or join a tennis club and find a couple to do doubles with you.

Even if you are not usually or naturally crafty, it can be brilliant fun making something - try signing up for a blacksmithing or woodworking course together. You come away with a fireplace poker or a kitchen knife, a wooden bowl or bar stool each that you made yourselves.

One mistake I realised I used to make was thinking anything new had to be a regular commitment. It doesn't. I prefer a one-day course or weekend, or a week's activity holiday rather than once a week, especially if you are tired after work.

You don't have to enjoy all the new things you do, but you won't know until you try them. Go to some live sports events together, or comedy gigs or see a band you both liked when you were dating. Go to some of the best theatre shows when they are screened at local cinemas.

Surprise each other with small treats and thoughtful gifts - just buying some really nice food or healthy snacks or a book you think your partner would like. And practise showing appreciation out loud. I do this loads more than DH does but even if it is a bit one sided, it helps foster a really positive atmosphere, if, on a daily basis, you give true compliments. If he says something funny, I tell DH that I love that he still makes me laugh after all these years. This encourages him to be witty more than grumpy. I noticed his legs looked gorgeous in new jeans today and told him.

Thank you all so much. Will reread again in the morning and make a few decisions.
The work thing is stressful because while we are doing OK for ourselves, we still support DD and I support my parents abroad, so I cannot fail or quit and let them down.

I am worried that we have long 20 years of miserable slog like this, then retire and drop dead. What is the point then?
Has anyone got out of similar mid life misery?

Well, yes, but you are not going to like my answer. My former partner solved his mid life crisis by buying a sports car and replacing one forty-year-old partner with two twenty-year-olds..
But the most interesting thing happened after because within two months my depression was gone, my fatigue was gone, my stress was gone... I made a ton of new friends, I have active plans every weekend, I live my life to the fullest every single day. So maybe...just maybe there is nothing to solve. Maybe the relationship just ran its course.

Each of you take charge of a surprise day out for the other regularly. Tell them to be up and ready to go out at certain time. Then take them out with them not knowing where they're going or what they're doing. Put effort into making it new and fun. Have breakfast out/go to an exhibition/ or have lunch or dinner out, try a new type of food/ research a restaurant with good reviews/ go to a film, museum, stately home, concert...Or tell them to pack a small suitcase for a weekend away and let them look at the flight departure board without knowing till the last minute which flight is theirs... you need to do new stuff for interesting conversations and connection.
You also need to be looking to ditch a job that has you crying every night. That's no way to live. Put serious thought into how you can become free or at least more free of work. Where there's a will there's a way..
Take a walk round a graveyard. Remind yourself life is short. Seize the day.

Travel. If you have the money to. Change of scene as often as you can. Life is far too short to be miserable and stuck like this.

When I feel how you do, at this time of year, we do a few things

1. Get up super early on the weekend and go to the beach / go for a big walk up a hill (even in terrible weather) there's something about seeing a big vast thing with fresh air that starts to make me feel better

1. Followed by a lovely lunch that feels like a treat

1. Find a really good film to watch on the evening with a bottle of wine and loads of candles

1. When the film finishes and we're both feeling a bit more positive and recharged to make a plan for what we're going to do to get out and about, find some local sites we want to see or make some plans with some friends

@Catza Well done rising from the ashes to a new fulfilled life. This is really inspiring. My neighbour is like this, in her 70s and lost two loves to illness but always finds the strength and the spark to live her live well.

In our case, the sports car has been on the drive for a few years already and I am already quite a bit younger, so he is definitely running out of options 😂

If you enjoy exercise and don’t have money worries then why not plan an adventure eg hike the Camino? That’s on my list to do.

What did you love doing as a kid? Do more of that. Horse riding, art, wrestling (maybe grown up version could be jiu jitsu 😆), reading etc etc etc

IME if you force yourself to socialise it becomes more fun and less of an effort and so the momentum picks up.

Have you considered getting a dog? They force you to get out and about, they also force you to be sociable because the majority of dog people like to stop for a chat. It’s something you can both do together and for me at least, I cannot feel depressed when a cute little (or indeed big ugly) face is staring at me wanting a walk/to play/a snack.

When we both had very stressful jobs it was like this, I was borderline depressed and, also, menopausal. He was depressed and the stress from the job was masking it. He eventually burnt out, had a year off and moved to a much lower stress job that has turned out to earn more. The stresses in my job reduced with a change of boss. But the change in jobs made a massive difference to us.

also we like holidays, going somewhere different, often cities as we live in the sticks, Mexico City, New York, etc.

we both get out the house separately one night a week, which, especially in winter, is so important. We’ll eat out once a week.

we got a dog, she’s been a massive help, gives us something to do and talk about and replaced the empty nest feeling for DH.

You are both massively stressed at work. That is the issue. You need to sort this, not find a hobby - you're too mentally exhausted.
What else can you do? Do you need to move? You need to sit down and and have a long chat. You can't carry on like this.

You shouldn’t have to run yourself ragged to send money to your parents. Would you want your DD to have that stress because of you?

I'd start by tackling the work situation and the partner-who-doesn't-pull his-weight-on-the-housework-front situation.

Some good suggestions here, we can relate to your thread title😬, but we find more so at this time of year with christmas shopping & short days it's harder to make an effort to do stuff together, & with the rain it's been harder to just go for a walk. We got a table tennis table which gives us both a bit of a pick-me-up.

Life's way too short to have a job so stressful you are crying many nights. Surely there's something you can change there? Years back I got married, sold my house and bought a new one in a different area, moved in with my DH (in the new house) so we were living full time together for the first time and started a new job all within a few months. All caused stress of some sort but only the job, which I initially loathed, made my life a misery. Weekends seemed so short compared to the rubbish I had to put up with at work, that seemed endless. (Things changed radically later with a new boss).

If you have money, are you taking regular holidays? Me and DH are fed up of work, but what gets us through is taking 2 long haul holidays every year. The chatting about them, and the planning cheers us up no end. And of course then you have the actual holidays and make memories.

To me, it reads like your big issue is the work stress sucking the joy and life right out of the pair of you. I don't think adding things like hobbies into the mix will be helpful at this point, just another overwhelming thing on your to-do list.

I obviously don't know your specific careeer and financial situations, and I know for most people the whole "we sold everything to live in our van/tinyhouse/cabin in the woods" thing isn't the most realistic, but it's clear to me that something needs to drastically change there.

I would suggest making your new hobby together finding a way out of your current situation, some sort of plan to change your lives so that you can actually have some joy and free time back. Watch couples on youtube for inspiration, even if it's more outlandish than you want to or can do, but then also investigate the practicalities.

You only get one short life, there's no point spending it miserable.