To not want 81 year old ex- FIL to drive my toddler

[Maybebaby10]

Just that. Ex- PILs apparently have got their own car seat and have been driving my child without me knowing. FIL is 81 and frail but still acts as MIL’s chauffeur. I have asked my ex not to let him drive our 2 year old but ex refuses to engage in this conversation.

I sympathise with you, I wouldn't like this either. However, if he's not fit to drive your child, he shouldn't be on the road. If he's not fit to drive, report him to the DVLA.

Depends if he's a good driver? I know plenty of people in their 80s who are more than capable, especially those who have had careers driving. An 87 year old friend drives up and down the country every week, no problem.

He is hesitant, slow to react and gets very worked up behind the wheel. I’ve been in a car with him before and that was a little while ago and did not feel he was a safe driver.

I felt like this about my MIL. And objectively I knew she shouldn’t be driving at all… it’s so hard as there’s no way to get them to stop.

Would a mediator be able to help?

i wouldn’t be happy wirh that either. reactions slow down greatly at that age.

the problem is we don’t need to pass an annual driving test over any age. it’s just presumed that we will stop when we feel unsafe.

like thats gonna happen in the majority of cases of elderly people who have bought a car and rely on it.…..

Sorry, you will have to report him if XH isn’t onside

Yabu. An accident can happen at any age.

It depends how he drives, if he drives within his capabilities and mainly on low speed limited roads I would say no particular problem. Does he get his eyes tested regularly? Anyone can get into a minor accident usually no harm done to anyone. I'd be more worried about boy racer types driving my child.

The Ex bit is what makes this complicated. You get to decide who cares for your DC in your contact time and your Ex gets to decide in theirs.
Yes you could report to the DVLA it is confidential, but what are the chances your Ex will guess. But the DVLA’s bar to remove a licence is really quite high if there isn’t a specific medical condition and no incident has occurred.
This will be the first of many situations where you and your Ex will manage your DC’s care differently.

Unfortunately as @Needanadultgapyear said there's not much you can do as ex FIL has a valid driving licence. So report him to DVLA if you want but it is unlikely the licence will be removed unless he has a specific medical condition
Sorry i know this must be hard

If husband won't engage in would report FIL to DVLA as unfit to drive.

If you don’t think he’s safe driver then you need to report him, but if he otherwise has a valid license and your ex trusts him, there’s nothing you can do.

Hi OP

I really feel for you.

Not to put the frighteners on but DF (80) should have stopped driving a long time before he got his car written off by a lorry.

Thank God he and the driver were fine, but it's luck DSs weren't in the car.

I would report to the DVLA yes. Without being too optimistic they would do anything.

This i think if he isn't safe then he shouldn't be on the road regardless of your toddler being in the car. I would be ok with my 86 year old DP driving my DC (well other than my normal anxiety of anyone driving them anywhere!) as I think their driving is fine so don't think it is a clear age limit but if they are safe or not

I however am teaching my Auntie to drive at 81 because her husband has got dementia and she wants him to stay in their familiar rural home..and she is amazing. Passed her theory first time and has her test in October. We did go down the automatic route though, which I wouldn’t normally recommend but she will only be driving to the next town and back so won’t disadvantaged job wise at her age.
Age is just a number . I know plenty of shit drivers in their 30s - along with the
batshit ‘I don’t drive on motorways/at night/on a Thursday … my own mum and dad still both driving at 83 and 85. Both great drivers.
That all said - it’s not up to you , who your ex has decided to let drive his kids on his time. If he is dangerous then it’s irrelevant whether he’s driving your kids or not. You have a duty to report it.