I struggle to make friends

[FindItHardTozmakeFriends]

I’m just wondering if I should just give up trying to make new friends 🤷 AIBU to do so, or should you keep trying to make friends as long as you live?

I think I should start by saying that I don’t have many female relatives. No DD, mum or sisters or cousins, so I sort of think I need to make an effort to make female friends.

This scenario happens A LOT to me. In fact I think it’s my thing! I meet some other women and we get along well. It’s usually 3 of us from a hobby or sport. Everything is going nicely and then the other 2 become absolute besties. They are still friendly to me, but I can hear that they’ve met up, met partners and been messaging. Honestly this happens to me all the time.

I joined a hobby recently, and was asked to help out. Turns out I end up doing none of the hobby as I’m too busy helping and organising whilst everyone else enjoys the time!

I do have a few hobbies and mix with other people. I often observe though that the other women get along better with each other than me, even though I think some of them are quite bitchy!

I’m feeling a bit paranoid about friendships but saying that, I do have a couple of very good friends so I am not totally unlucky. I don’t think it’s because I’m not a nice person. I’ve worked somewhere a long time and I always get told by the management that I’m very popular with my colleagues because I’m helpful, supportive and kind. All great friend qualities!!!

Ok, as someone who doesn't make friends easily... you need to be more proactive. Text people and make plans, offer a coffee meetup. Also, perfectly fine to set some boundaries with people who roped you in to "help out" and say that you want to step back as you don't get a chance to participate in a hobby.
I find that people peel off from a larger group to become "besties" is usually because one or more of them are more proactive about making plans and connections rather than waiting to be invited. I was totally one of those "oh, I don't want to bother anyone, I'll wait to be offered" people. Breaking those bad habits in my 40s and made more friends in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life!

Good post from @Catza. Also, I see so many people on here who struggle with friendships saying ‘But I’m a nice person’ and ‘Other less nice people seem to have no such difficulty.’ But honestly, no one chooses friends because they’re ‘nice’. Many people are ‘nice’. People befriend people whose company they enjoy, who share their interests, to whom they enjoy talking, etc. They may also be supportive and kind, but it’s not why I’d get to know them well in the first place. Most of my friends are strong characters, articulate, in creative careers. You wouldn’t necessarily pick them out as the warm and fuzzy kind.

You may have thought you were improving your chances of friendships by helping out at the hobby, but in fact you had a less good time because of it, had less time doing the thing you joined for, and probably limited your contact with other people doing it. I’m not suggesting you not help, but have boundaries. Say no if something doesn’t work for you. Don’t be a people-pleaser and secretly seethe.

Be yourself in company. Be interested in the people who interest you. Think less about whether other people like you and more about whether you like them. Not everyone is going to be interested in being friends with you, just as you’re not going to want to befriend everyone you meet, and that’s fine.

Good luck!

If you click with someone, suggest meeting up for coffee. Put the effort in.

I can relate to your post, I have close friends, but not a big circle and struggle to make new friends! Ive made peace with it. I dont have advice as such, but just some understanding and empathy ! You are not alone!