Xmas arrangements - whole of December

[MrDX]

M 46. Difficult few months, wife had op and father in law died after short illness. I stepped up as expected allowing wife to be miles away caring for her dad once she herself recovered. Funeral recently. Agreed mum in law fine to stay at ours after. Also said we would have her for Xmas day again, instead of going to my parents, which seems right now she is alone.

No discussion on dates as no urgency and we are flexible and happy to accommodate. It’s no trouble MIL being around. But had few days since October alone with wife and DD due to circumstances. I’ve been Looking forward to days off over Xmas, cozy as a threesome.

MIL been here a few days now. Wife just suggested she could go back to her mums for a few days starting 14th… before they return here again together ‘for Xmas’. That’s still 2 weeks away so all in all this means pretty much the whole of December either me alone with DD, or as a foursome.

AIBU to feel down about Xmas / ask her to let her mum be home alone a few days?. AIBU to have expected MIL to be with us for a few days, maybe a week, and to come back for a few more days around 25th? Unsure if being selfish, given passing of FIL, but that’s effected me too and I am being accommodating already?

I don’t think it’s necessary to call you a selfish prick. But yes, her priority will of course be with her mum right now and you should support that.

You are not being unreasonable. Your MIL should have more consideration.

Gosh what a horrible time. I think you need to take your cues from your wife and not ‘suggest’ anything to her, especially with the hint that she’s being neglectful to you

She’s been sick, her father had died, her mother is in turmoil. It’s just one Christmas, there will be many more.

How would you feel if your wife died and your daughter wanted to spend time with you and her husband was trying to restrict that? Let your wife grieve how she sees fit. She might not want your child to see her so upset and miserable at Christmas and is trying to protect her. Do some fun things with your child and your wife will join in when she is ready.

Equally maybe she just needs her mum. Her dad just died after all.

Is this a joke?

Yes YABU. Your MIL has just lost her husband, your wife has lost her Dad. It’s Christmas, the first one without him. They need each other for support.

It’s one month in a lifetime.

This is not about you so don’t even think about making your wife feel guilty or emotionally manipulating her into leaving her mum on her own.

exactly this, especially when its christmas. It will hurt a hell of a lot more.

Wow. Just wow.
Her husband just died!
His wife clearly wants to be with her mum.

Thank you. I’ll reflect on these points. I appreciate all opinions - maybe not so much the one that sees this as pure selfishness. Just wanna be there with/as a family and post is a knee jerk reaction…. Better than jumping into a defensive mode with wife. I’ll try to be a better person!

They will be leaning on each other just now. I think it's a bit unfair to expect them both to do without their support system because you want a cosy time as a family of 3. That won't happen this year anyway, if her Mum was at home and she was with you and your child she would just be worrying anyway.

Get Christmas out of the way, the first is always very difficult after a bereavement, and see what happens in the new year.

Completely understand your desire to spend time with just your wife and DD but right now your wife and her mother clearly need to be together. It won't last forever.

Well done on 'being there', I can recognise your feelings from past experience myself in a similar situation, and I don't think a 'pile on' here is necessary - but I think in this case you'll just have to continue to do what's necessary in the background, and let your wife and MIL grieve and readjust (recognising too that it has affected you and no doubt your DD too.)
But this dad can appreciate your feelings, recognise your efforts, and acknowledge your intentions.

Thank you. I was just disappointed in the moment of being told, having hoped for perhaps a few days in the coming weeks together… but yeah if I stop and think there is no normal this year so it’s about the support I can give.

There’s irony in some people bluntly calling me selfish though (definition - not thinking about others) - I’d stopped, shared a feeling, and reflected, all the while going with the flow at home to make sure I continue to do my best by others. At a time when I’m not my best either, I’m quite proud of that composure. And now I can support more, having not reacted emotionally and wishfully in person.

im signing out on that… don’t wish to over share nor feel a need to defend any subsequent views I may disagree with so nice to end on your positive balanced response buddy

Actually no i don't think you're being unreasonable. As harsh as it sounds, this happens to people every day. Not everyone stays with family and has family staying with them on alt days for an entire month. Rightly or wrongly, your wife and MIL are afforded this luxury due to circumstance and your wife has another responsibility, your dd.