AIBU to be upset

[Koolmammy]

My mother moved 3 hours away from me and my siblings 22 years ago. With work and my own parenting responsibilities I try to visit about once a month sometimes more sometimes less, I ring her every 2/3 days.

My uncle died (mums brother) and was buried last week and at the funeral home her neighbour who I know quite well blanked me. I initially thought that she didn’t recognise me or was more concerned about how my mum was so brushed it off. I met her twice more and both times I was ignored. I asked mum when I was dropping her home had I done something to upset this neighbour and was told that she is very annoyed that I didn’t visit my mother often enough.

The response has upset me because 1. It’s none of her business and 2. My mum has given her permission to treat me badly. I already feel guilty that I can’t do more (my siblings aren’t great, I see her more than they do). Mum has had two incidents lately where she had to go to the hospital or doctor and this neighbour took her to the hospital which I was very grateful for and thanked her. My uncle and his wife (who live near her) on both occasions told me that whilst she wasn’t well this was not the illness to drop everything and run down to her. I trusted their judgement.

Growing up with mum wasn’t easy, after lots of counselling I can put aside my childhood and try to have a relationship with her. I understand why my siblings don’t go down but I am the eldest and would feel guilty if I didn’t.

AIBU to be upset and hurt?

Your mother chose to move away from you. It was her decision.
And you obviously have very valid reasons for not feeling close to her.

Your relationship with your mother is absolutely none of her neighbours business. I would assume from her rude behaviour your mother has been complaining about you to her and has been giving a totally different spin on things from what actually has happened in the past.

You feel how you feel about your mother, based on your own experiences and life. Don't be pressurised in to doing more than you are comfortable with.

A 6.hr round trip once per month is more than many would do.

She chose to move and makes no effort to come to you so.

Im not particularly impressed with either your mum or her neighbour
..

Of course YANBU, your mum's neighbour knows nothing about you, or your current or previous relationship with your mum, and has no right to judge you.

Your mum chose to move away. She hasn't taken responsibility for that, it seems, and has grumbled to her neighbour, who has totally and madly and laughably overstepped. Remind yourself that your mum is difficult, that this is another example of it, and only to be expected. You are doing your best (maybe even too much?) in a difficult situation with a difficult person. You know that, you have a much fuller picture than the neighbour, so take comfort from that. Manage your expectations of your mum. You can't control what she says to her neighbour. Sod the pair of them.

Listen, you can't control what others think - your mum may have been having a moan to the neighbour, the neighbour may be put out that they had to take your mum to hospital. Either way, you know that you do your best to see your mum when you can after she chose to move 3 hours away from you. You need to develop a thick skin and not worry about what her neighbour thinks - her opinion really isn't important.

Your mum’s neighbour is annoyed you don’t visit her more?? Unless she is having to take on some roles she’d rather not (eg is she helping your mum with shopping etc?) I can’t see why she’d even notice this.

My parents moved four hours away and I visit them once or twice a year.

She does bring mum to the supermarket when she herself is going but mum does most of her food shopping in the small shop which is a short walk from her. When I go down I take her food shopping and pick up her monthly medications in the chemist. I bring her to the nearest city to stock up on essentials in boots and take her clothes shopping. They have been friends since they moved into the estate, both single and have the same profession so lots in common. They cook for each other once or twice a week and it seems like a good friendship.

Visiting one a month is more than generous of you. I wouldn’t even be doing that. added with the fact you didn’t have the best childhood and then she moved away from you, this isn’t on you.

Does she ever come to visit you, does she keep in touch with you an ask about your life and kids etc?

F the small minded neighbour. I wouldn’t waste another second thinking about it. You know your truth.

The neighbour is really rude to blank you at the funeral. You are much nicer to your mum than your mum ever was to you and you make more effort than she ever did.

Your mum chose to move so far away and you visit her more and do much more for her than your siblings do but they don't seem to be criticised in the same way.

I would reduce or even stop the visits as your mum is perfectly happy to badmouth you to her neighbourr and for her neighbour to slag you off and be rude to you.

Ignore her back, it’s none of her business. Some people just like to insert themselves and create drama. Your mum has chosen where she wants to live, this is the result.

She has come to visit once since the pandemic and I drove down and collected her and one of my siblings brought her back. She never rings me expects me to ring her and if I am too busy and leave it more than 3 days she gives out to me. At the moment communication is one way. She does ask about the kids but is much happier when I don’t bring them with me to visit.

You know where you stand!

Rise above it. No need to feel guilty or explain. The neighbour knows nothing about the situation from your perspective. In fact, she sounds like a judgemental old bag. Keep this in mind if you see her again.

At this point, I would be asking my Mum what she plans to do if and when she gets frail and/or she needs more help.

Even if your mum was the best mum in the world, it would still be none of her neighbour's business how often you visited her. Frankly, a six-hour round trip once a month is probably more than most people would manage to see a parent who chose to move that distance away from them, even a parent who was easy company.

I think you do plenty for your mum and travelling that distance once a month is admirable. I would say that even if you’d always had a fantastic relationship.

The neighbour is a fool. However close she might feel her relationship with your mum is, she doesn’t get to interfere with your relationship with your mum. She probably knows that which is why she doesn’t actually say what’s on her mind and resorts to childish rudeness.

The best thing to do would be ignore her, let it be water off a duck’s back. Her opinion is of no consequence whatsoever.

I don’t always do the best thing. The next time she deliberately ignored me, if I was sure she’d heard me speak to her, I might say, “Oi, cloth ears. Are you pretending you can’t see me? Do you want to try being a grown up and tell me what your problem is?” Can’t stand meddling, passive aggressive arseholes.

Relationships are a two way street. Just because she’s your mum don’t be scared to vocalise this if she’s giving you a hard time for not calling, visiting etc.

Considering you had a pretty shitty childhood and she then left you, you’d think she would have realised her mistakes and want to do her best to show you how sorry she is for her past behaviour but from what you’re describing it seems she still carries the same traits she showed when you were younger.

You are not that small child anymore. You do not need to pander to her or do as she says. You are a grown woman with your own children to think about and put first.

Slow down on the visits if it’s too much for your schedule and change a few of the phone calls to texts. If she has anything to say about it remind her that you’re trying to work, raise children and juggle general life.

For god's sake, some people are so deeply weird and unbelievable. The neighbour can sod off.

Is your mum bad mouthing you and your siblings to her neighbour.
prioritise your children or you will regret that.
your mum choose to move away .

Thanks @everyone you’ve given me lots to think about.