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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ttc & dh drunk

26 replies

ThisLimeBee · 11/12/2025 20:30

We are trying to conceive DC2. On ovulation day we spoke about dtd later on in the evening as it was probably our last chance this cycle. We were both on the same page & spoke about it throughout the day as well. I had a particularly hard time with DC1 and also expressed this to my husband, DC1 had not long recovered from being unwell so don’t think they’re themselves fully yet after the illness. DH says he will go for a drink after work to which I said of course have a good time, are we still ok for tonight because it’s obviously probably our last go this cycle? He responds yes definitely that he won’t drink too much & won’t be home late (especially as he knew I was having a particularly hard day with DC1). Whilst he’s out, he doesn’t update me and doesn’t respond to any of my messages asking when he will be back, and most importantly if he’s ok. He gets back 15 mins before DC1’s bedtime and I can see he’s clearly had too much to drink as he stumbles and somehow trips over my car on the driveway. I definitely wasn’t the most welcoming and already had a face on me to which he straight away went on the defensive and said I’m unreasonable and that he only went out for a drink. He’s adamant he’s not drank too much (even though he’s slurring his words). Once DC1 is in bed, he says he does want to dtd and give it a go, I might sound horrible here but I can tell it’s not working, regardless he’s said he finished & I could most definitely tell he hadn’t so I get upset and tell him that it really hurt me after talking about it all day that he prioritised getting drunk at the pub over me, us ttc and seeing DC1 before they went to bed. For reference if he came home instead of going to the pub he would have seen DC1 for 3 hours instead of 15 minutes.
He said I’m making this into a big deal when it’s not and I need to drop the subject because I’m “getting myself in a state”. I definitely was very upset, mostly I think because he didn’t seem to see my side in this but aibu to be annoyed at him?

OP posts:
StillweriseLH · 11/12/2025 20:34

Personally, and I say this gently, I think YABU.

it’s very easy to become obsessed by ovulation dates but in my experience that leads to problems. I’d say the getting a bit drunk is possibly in response to the clinical approach to something that is usually not a clinical act.

my husband would really struggle to perform if I’d put that pressure on him.

2031MummyTBC · 11/12/2025 20:37

I can 100% see why you’re irritated by this. He could have had his works drinks and just left slightly early (and drank less), then you’d have time to do both things.

But unless it’s a regular occurrence, you need to let it go.

If today is ovulation day, the egg will still be there in the morning and for another few days.

CissOff · 11/12/2025 20:38

That’s way too long but yes, YABU.

Topjoe19 · 11/12/2025 20:40

Try tomorrow?

CharlotteCChapel · 11/12/2025 20:40

Try to relax. Being too focused on ovulation makes stress which can hinder conception. DD was TTC with her third and nothing happened, they had a month 'off' and that's when ahe conceived. Either that or meet a dog.

spookaroo · 11/12/2025 20:41

YABU.

Mymanyellow · 11/12/2025 20:42

That seems a very restrictive and clinical approach to sex to me. I have to say I never really tried to get pregnant just had sex and therefore got pregnant. I’m not explaining it very well. But I don’t know how else to say it.
Try again tomorrow?

ComfortFoodCafe · 11/12/2025 20:43

YABU. Your turning sex into a chore. Stop.

MarbleDrive · 11/12/2025 20:43

What could be worse? He goes out, enjoys himself and comes back to a moaning wife wanting him to perform. Just leave it until tomorrow or next month.

MagneticSquirrel · 11/12/2025 20:44

YABU too much pressure. Do it in the morning if you are both in the mood - scheduling like it and talking about it all day probably just makes him feel like a sperm donor - I can see why having “another” at the pub would be more appealing.

Don’t you ever go out for a drink and one becomes many? No one plans it just happens!

Original poster
ThisLimeBee · 11/12/2025 20:45

Thanks everyone, I do agree with a lot of points said and definitely now looking back on my reactions can see while I was valid in my feelings, I shouldn't have reacted that way with him. I definitely think I've put too much pressure on him, and probably myself! So we could both do with some relaxing

OP posts:
IHaveSomeUnpopularOpinions · 11/12/2025 20:45

YANBU, at all. As someone who has been round the infertility works... it's all very well for people who haven't to say just relax and it will happen. You don't say how old you are or what stage you're at in trying, but if you're far enough on to be thinking in terms of last opportunity this cycle, I'm going to guess it's been a while and/or you're not young enough to have plenty of time. You're likely doing a lot to maintain your health and fitness, and e.g., if you're like most people, not drinking alcohol at all for a full two weeks of every month while you're in the 2ww just in case this is the month you get pregnant. All he had to do was not get blotto on this particular night. Not at all too much to ask.

Lollypop701 · 11/12/2025 20:51

gently yes yabu a little. I hear you, but putting that amount of stress into conceiving is anti productive. In this situation women get it a bit easier on the practical side, we don’t have performance issues!

He’s tried to relax and get in the mood and overdone it. Having time out is a good thing, if it’s a one off , laugh with him and tell him his slurring gave him away and he’d better give you a good time next time 😉

also you should go out with friends and relax too… or go for a massage/run etc I honestly think if you produce a lot of stress hormones your body doesn’t think it’s a good time to be pregnant so doesn’t comply.

Good luck op, I hope your longed for child decides to come along soon

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 11/12/2025 20:53

Don't forget that you need to DTD just before you ovulate, to give yourself the best chance of conceiving.
If you've already ovulated, having sex afterwards is probably too late. The egg is only capable of accepting spermatozoa
for about twelve hours after it's released. If there's already sperm hanging around when the egg is released, conception is more likely.

StillweriseLH · 11/12/2025 20:53

@IHaveSomeUnpopularOpinions

I don’t think for a minute “most people” are totally avoiding alcohol in the 2WW.

I have given up all hope of having another child. I know what secondary infertility is. I’ve lost babies, I’ve waited a decade, I get it.

but we must recognise that this isn’t “normal” outside of online forums and echo chambers of women who have experienced it.

Andthatrightsoon · 11/12/2025 20:57

I used to say to my husband 'the stars are in alignment' when I was ovulating. It did the trick without being too clinical.

JLou08 · 11/12/2025 21:12

It's likely he got drunk due to the stress of trying to conceive and pressure to perform. I have a couple of friends who fell pregnant after they stopped tracking and took the pressure out of TTC.

Original poster
ThisLimeBee · 11/12/2025 21:12

Yes he definitely tried, I've not been ovulating the last couple of months so I think I was probably too eager this month seeing that I was finally ovulating. I think my main point was him keeping me updated, that he was gonna have more than one so I knew we weren't likely to dtd & that I wasn't telling DC1 that daddy will be home soon and then they were getting upset when he wasn't back. Maybe that was wishful thinking though and I shouldn't have been hyping DC1 though so much when I didn't actually know when DH would be back. Regardless I probably have overreacted and in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal, even though it seemed like that when I was upset.
The stars are in alignment is a good one! It's a lot less clinical than I'm ovulating x

OP posts:
Eyeshadow · 11/12/2025 21:14

are we still ok for tonight because it’s obviously probably our last go this cycle?

I would hate it if my DP said this to me.

If we get a hotel then we know we’re going to have sex, we look forward to it and it’s the main reason for doing it.

But you say it like it’s a chore and the way you speak would be really off putting.

I would be annoyed that I was struggling with DC and he didn’t come home early to help but I guess it depends on how often he goes out.

Anyahyacinth · 11/12/2025 21:14

You are not being unreasonable, it doesn't have the same priorities as you. This is a message he is giving you without words. I agree with what others have said about drinking at all when you are trying to conceive. Sorry OP

HoppingPavlova · 11/12/2025 21:19

and tell him that it really hurt me after talking about it all day

Notging would put me off dtd more than talking about it all day frankly.

gogomomo2 · 11/12/2025 21:22

Yabu, getting pregnant isn’t that precise. Dd2 was conceived on the last day of my period and dd1 on the day it was due … had regular cycles so just one of those things. Just “enjoy each others company” and what will be will be

toomuchfaff · 11/12/2025 22:46

Eyeshadow · 11/12/2025 21:14

are we still ok for tonight because it’s obviously probably our last go this cycle?

I would hate it if my DP said this to me.

If we get a hotel then we know we’re going to have sex, we look forward to it and it’s the main reason for doing it.

But you say it like it’s a chore and the way you speak would be really off putting.

I would be annoyed that I was struggling with DC and he didn’t come home early to help but I guess it depends on how often he goes out.

Exactly

The time spent scheduling the deed, maybe you guys should have done the deed instead, a quickie in the bathroom before running downstairs to sort dc1, late for work - much more preferable to "its the last chance of this cycle, you must perform (dance monkey dance)."

YourZippyHare · 11/12/2025 22:56

I think I would have been more annoyed at him going out for a drink when you'd had a tough day with your child. Does he do that often?