To feel the parents of DS class are really close

[Georock]

DS in primary school, we had a school assembly today and I really felt like an outsider. I said hello to everyone and exchanged pleasantries but it was very formal as I could feel and see the rest of them really close with each other. I feel really upset that I don’t fit in. I find it hard to get close to them. For context I have tried - I’ve done a couple of play dates and invited people over but it always feels like they all are so close they laugh and are very casual with each other but I feel they are very formal with me. Just for context I work, 4 days a week whilst the majority of the mums are SAHM, there are a few that work but they don’t seem to be on the outside like I am. Please advise me and help me feel more at ease with them and fit in.

What year is your son in?

Lower end of primary - KS1. Y2

I can't see it being personal, more due to seeing you less. I know it's hard not to take it personally but try and remind yourself about that - it's like if someone comes into work once a month, you just don't know them as well as someone you sit next to every day for a year. You might like the once a month person better, but you barely know them to know that.

I think if you want to make closer connections you have to put in more effort. So whenever you are at the school gate, make sure you find someone to chat with.

Not just a few play dates, but a few each term. If there are mums drinks or similar (these come up on our class whatsapp), make sure you go.

That's if it even matters that much? Otherwise, invest time in your 'real' friends and when you do fee a bit left out, remind yourself that you have other friends and ultimately, these relationships are likely temporary ones and it doesn't matter that much?

It’s really unlikely that the whole of the class’s parents are really ‘close’ with each other and you’re the only one who’s not. Some of them will be better friends than others. Some will be more chatty and more socially confident. Some will have known each other for a longer time.
Has your son been in the same school since reception?
Can I ask why you feel it is important to you to be ‘close’ with these people.
In had some mum friends when the kids were little. 10 years on we have all moved on and no one really spends time together.

I hugely doubt that class parents are "close" except for one or two whose kids are especially good friends. Of course they will be closer if they see each other 10 times a week, and you're only there a couple of times.

Truthfully I don’t have any friends I think I’ve always struggled with social connections. I just always assumed having kids would result in me making connections. I don’t actually feel close to anyone not even my family. I always feel left out.

Why do you need to “fit in”? They’re polite, presumably they’re open to your children being friends and socialising, isn’t that enough?

My advice is keep being polite and friendly and focus on making your friends elsewhere. If all you have in common is having children the same age and living in roughly the same area it doesn’t amaze me you don’t necessarily gel with them. Can you find some people with a shared interest? Or I often find volunteering together a good way to get to know people.

I think it’s a thing where when we want to fit in we try too hard and then everything’s all awkward whereas when we’re not paying attention and just watching the kids and end up chatting it all goes better but that doesn’t help you now. It’s hard op x

OK here's how I'd go about it (just a suggestion). On your one day a week, make sure you are early to drop off and pick up. Each time, set yourself the task of chatting to someone, try lots of different people.

Keep it light... 'how's [other parent's child's name] finding year 2'? 'what are you doing for Christmas'? 'man it's been raining so much!' etc.

See if any of those chats run more smoothly, or if you just find yourself liking some parents more than others. You don't want just any friend, but to spend time with someone you like.

There's a woman I see at swimming every week, and I just find myself liking the way she talks with her kids, and the things she says, and her smile. Her vibe. If she was a school mum, I'd try and make friends with her. Other mums - I'm just not as interested.

Over time circle back to the things they've said 'how was it having your mum over Xmas?' or 'is [other parent's child's name] still finding maths hard?

And remember people appreciate honesty and vulnerability eg 'I find it hard when I don't pick up and drop off to know what's going on at school', 'I love x about parenting and find y hard'. Send a few messages about parenting/school things.

Then ask if they want a play date with the kids at the park (hopefully kids like each other!) or a coffee. If they say no, perservere and try with someone else. Not everyone will like you as much as you like them but that doesn't mean you're not fantastic and there will be some people you really get along with out there.

Good luck! It's hard work to make friends as an adult but it's not impossible.

Good advice from @pjani

I have felt similar to you OP.

My DC is now year 3 & at the start of the year I actually made a list of all the kids in the year.

Then I crossed out the names my DC isn’t at all friendly with, or the mums I just can’t see myself being friends with absent the DC connection. I also crossed off the ones where I had invited them to play dates / parties over years Reception - year 2 and not had any invites back.

There were about 6 or 7 left on the list (out of 30) so I invited them all round for play dates/outings etc. A couple have not reciprocated, so they will ultimately be crossed off too!

But I’ve now whittled it down to 3/4 where DC plays nicely with the child, I get on with the mum, and they reciprocate (which is important to me personally) and we now seem to be having semi-regular meet ups. These are the people I shall make the effort with.

I had to be strategic about it though!!

I just feel unable to get close to them for example one I messaged last week about a play date and I can see she’s read the message but no response. I find it so difficult to actually arrange anything as it takes to long to get a response from people

This is impressive! But OP do the maths - out of a class of 30, this mum can now single out just four who it’s worth pursuing a friendship with. It’ll likely be the same for you (and most people).

My post was meant to quote @IAmNotSureAboutYouNow

Tbf that could be me this week I’ve been all over with work and Xmas prep and school stuff there’s no way I’d respond about a play date until I actually know what I’m doing.

also dont forget some of those parents will have older kids in the school too so likely have known each other a few years. My ds2 is in year 1, but my eldest is year 5 so I’ve already got people I know and chat to regularly from him. I only do 1 pickup a week like you but make a point of getting involved where I can. We’ve never done a play date really but the kids go to every party they’re invited to and also invite all the kids back. Were involved in the Xmas collection and active in the parents WhatsApp group. I’m now the one people come to for diary dates as I have everything possible on my calendar!

This is impressive! But OP do the maths - out of a class of 30, this mum can now single out just four who it’s worth pursuing a friendship with. It’ll likely be the same for you (and most people)

@ComedyGuns exactly.

When seeking friends, I’ve had to stop seeing other people as one homologous mass and target specific people who I actually appear to have something in common with

Does your child have friends or is sociable and liked? IMO that’s where it all stems from.

It took me AGES to make friends at primary school. I was WFH four days a week, so could do drop offs and pick ups, but was dashing home to continue working.

Also my son was/is quite introverted and not one of the gregarious, popular ones who was always being asked for play dates and invited to birthday parties, which is unfortunately where the mum-bonding typically takes place, as they’re seeing the same faces all the time.

It bothered me for a while, but then I just accepted that neither I or my DCs were that type of person. I then started to finally make friends with like-minded people.

For what it’s worth, the biggest clique has now completely splintered from what I’ve heard, and everyone seems to loathe its former queen bee now…

I work full time and I honestly don't think I'll be friends with any parents at my DDs school... I wouldn't worry about it OP. I have work friends though - try to cultivate other friends!

The hellscape of the school gate!

How can I make friends outside of school gates? I’ve never been good at making friends. I do speak to people and I’m quite outgoing and chatty but then I don’t know how to maintain friends

I’m also quite depressed which I thought I was hiding but maybe people picking up on

How can I make friends outside of school gates

Join a group you are interested in. Could be sport / book club / knitting / church / choir / music / hiking / charity / political party. What interests you?

Go for a couple of months and chat to everyone. After a couple of months pick out the people you click with and find a reason to contact them individually/invite them for coffee / drink / hike / bike ride etc as appropriate.

In my experience it’s seeing people one-on-one outside the group setting that leads to friendship

Listen (and yes, there will be exceptions to this), as a working mum you will never be 'in' with the SAHM school gates crowd. You just won't. Accept it as a pretty much universal truth, rather than believing it is anything about you, personally, putting them off. It's not. There's nothing wrong with you. If you want friendship, put your energy into finding it elsewhere.