How do you manage anxiety about giving aging parents Covid or flu? Has anyone actually had it happen?

[CaragianettE]

I guess the answer for a lot of people may be: we only see them once or twice a year, it's not really an issue. But I wonder if there are some people closer to my position: I live in the same town as my DM (70s) and my DF (early 80s) and see them regularly. Since Covid began I have really struggled with the fear of giving it to my DF in particular (since he's older) and making him seriously ill. It's been exacerbated by the fact that my DM has health anxiety and clung to the Covid restrictions, in particular, for a long time. I don't have kids and DP lives long distance due to work, so DM and DF feel like my central family really. We're all vaccinated, and in the last few years I have been trying to go back to normal activity. I don't find it so hard with work, because I have to do it, but I still struggle with anxiety about going with friends to restaurants etc in case I pick something up and pass it on. Been trying to fight it as much as I can, but of course with all the stories about flu it's ramping up again, and it's making me hesitant about fun stuff I want to do like go to the theatre, go and visit friends, because I know I will be seeing DF and DM and I really, really don't want to pass it on to them.

I guess this all feels like less of an issue to people who have their own families, but I sort of feel like everyone must have dealt with it in some form. How do you manage it?

YABU - I don't worry about it
YANBU - I do worry about it, but I manage the anxiety and don't let it stop me living my life, and here's how

I don't visit if knowingly ill, but otherwise I'm afraid I take the view that passing something on is a risk I have to take as the least bad of options.

I paid for a flu jab, and I really only do 1 mass social thing a week.

Probably should have mentioned that I've had a recent flu jab as well as covid vax

This. My DM lives next door and I gave her Covid a few years ago. No idea where I caught if from and was unaware I was infectious. I did feel awful but luckily she wasn’t too badly affected. I was in the shielding category previously.

Covid boosters and flu jab annually. Other than that, good hygiene. Don't visit if you have symptoms. Not much else you can do.

Looking after my own immune system as much as possible - good diet, nasal rinse.

Guess could visit less Between Nov - Feb.

Christmas is hard though, it's at the worst time of year really. I suppose being open to cancelling Christmas if someone is poorly and rescheduling it.

I'm sorry that happened, glad your DM was OK. Did she blame you or give you grief for giving it to her? I think one of the things that's really making me struggle is that I know some parents would take the attitude 'well it's an occupational risk and not your fault', whereas I do feel DM would be angry and blame me, even if part of her recognised that was unfair. It's tricky when she's so risk averse herself.

My husband has a life-limiting lung disease, and is in his late 70s. He is considered clinically extremely vulnerable, and at a high risk of being seriously ill, even dying, from Covid and flu. I’ve given him Covid three times.

I don’t feel in the least guilty.

We lead normal lives, socialising, travelling, shopping, going to the gym and the pub, volunteering, and, yes, mixing with our children and grandchildren - my husband would be upset to think any of them were curtailing their lives in any way because of him. They do avoid visiting if they have Covid/flu type symptoms, but that’s all.

I feared infecting my parent with Covid so much that I locked myself out of life for the whole pandemic. Went nowhere, no pubs, restaurants for 2 years. To keep them safe. Meanwhile my parent happily went out socially, and - ironically - ended up infecting me.
It cannot be your responsibility . Life happens and we can’t control everything. Please go easy on yourself.

Yeah, my life would be completely different if my DM had taken this attitude.

Thanks. I'm feeling exhausted by it all to be honest. Covid now flu, it just feels neverending.

No she was fine about it, although she’s currently telling me to avoid crowded places, even if they’re outdoors

I don't visit if I'm unwell. But otherwise I don't worry about it.

My mum gave my grandma the flu that Finally killed her But she was very old and It was unavoidable because my mum was the only one looking after her at the time.

It completely broke my mum's heart and I don't think she ever got over it to be honest. Nothing we could say to her that would make her feel any better.

I'm so sorry, losing a parent is so hard anyway and that must have made it even harder for your poor mum.

My dad had a lung disease for years, so I was careful not to visit if unwell. In the end he did die after catching flu, but he caught it from the man who delivered his oxygen. Don’t restrict seeing them if you’re well. Maybe take extra precautions on trains etc. Hopefully friends will duck out if they are unwell.

My dad had a lung disease for years, so I was careful not to visit if unwell. In the end he did die after catching flu, but he caught it from the man who delivered his oxygen. Don’t restrict seeing them if you’re well. Maybe take extra precautions on trains etc. Hopefully friends will duck out if they are unwell.

You might want to consider good ventilation and a quality air purifier for your parents when you visit them, that would help protect them without limiting you so much. Obviously still avoid them when ill.

My parents (same age as yours) actually gave me COVID. They handled it better than I did,they’re vaccinated up to the eyeballs! I understand your anxiety but try not to worry

I really worried about this during covid. But my parents were both clear that they wanted to see us and the children and it was their risk to take, not my responsibility to protect them. Obviously we didn't see them if anyone had any symptoms. They take the same attitude now. I think they are worried about this year's flu but we avoid meeting if anyone is unwell and if everyone is feeling fine you can't possibly know if you have a virus that you might pass on. My mum pops to the shop daily, gets on a train every now and again, meets up with small groups of friends etc. they are careful but do not let it stop them socialising. I am concerned about Christmas day as we have a couple of events before then. But short of staying home all the time there isn't much we can do.
If your mum doesn't want to risk you coming over thats her choice but she can't expect you to avoid all social contact in order to protect them. You can offer to wear a mask when you visit, or as pp suggested, get her an air purifier and keep windows open. Good luck, it's hard when you feel a responsibility xx

I’m sorry her anxieties are impacting you so much. Ask her honestly if she’d rather you just stay away for the next few weeks. It’s really unfair that you can’t do anything for yourself during to her fears.

We live overseas and my in-laws always, always catch something when they visit. I have two kids and one of them always has something. My mother in law has low immunity due to chemo and was on and on about it once and I said I totally understood if she couldn’t visit for a while - it’s not worth the stress to anyone if she won’t enjoy it.

This winter is particularly bad so maybe your mother would genuinely prefer to be left alone for a bit?

My Mum lives a long distance away so we didn’t see her at the height of Covid. DH works in A&E so we were really anxious and concerned about passing Covid to people. I actually bought surgical gloves so I could hold my Mums hand in her garden when we were allowed to visit!

xmas 2023 me and family stayed with her for Xmas and came down with it there! It was just a sniffle to start but because we were meeting lots of family we did a test. It was positive so we exchanged presents outside the house and set off home. Well obviously we gave it to my Mum! She was over it in a week and I had it pretty bad for 2. She says she had it very mildly and not bothered at all in fact she says we should have just stayed longer in retrospect. Turns out all that anxiety was silly. Obviously if she had had Covid before jab she may not have seen it off so quickly