Another Christmas one

[Tinglytoes]

I want to prefix this by saying I know how lucky I am to still have my Mum, who I love very much and that one day she won’t be at the Christmas table.

Mum and Dad have come to me for 30 odd years for Christmas, we lost Dad 10 years ago and Mum has continued to come to us bar one year where she went to my brothers.
I would like to go away next Christmas for a couple of nights I have something specific in mind and it would be just myself and my Husband.

My 2 brothers could have Mum go to them and would be-able to put her up for the required overnight stay but despite enjoying herself the one time she did go and being completely spoilt by my brother she has said she won’t go again.
when my brother has invited her she says “ Oh no I am going to Tingleytoes”
I am in my 60s my Mum could be around another 10 years and I don’t want to wait until I am 70 to have the Christmas that I want.

so what to do?
YANBU put your foot down tell her you are going away and if she refuses to go to your brothers she will spend Christmas alone.
YABU She is more important than your little holiday because there is a limited time she will be around.

I mean, anyone could die tomorrow so just book it and tell her you have booked it.

Don't say anything this side of Christmas. But in January, speak to your siblings, confirm they are happy to have her stay, then raise it with her. Tell her that you are taking the opportunity to do something you have always wanted to do at Christmas and DB is very happy for her to spend next Christmas with them.

Maybe she declines other invitations because she thinks you will mind.

Sorry should have said she doesn’t want to go to my brothers because she has to socialise with my Sister in Laws family who she doesnt know very well ( they are lovely).
Also whenever I have suggested it might be nice for her to go to one of my brothers she says she doesn’t want to talk with people she doesn’t know well.
I don’t want to hurt her she is nearly 90 but I must admit I am starting to feel resentful about this.

You're talking 2026?

Book it and let everyone know you are not around

I don't think her reasons for not wanting to go to your brothers are good enough for you putting off your Christmas plans. She can only get to know people/get comfortable with them by spending time with them! Your resentment is a clue that the boundary between your needs and hers isn't quite right. You are allowed to have a Christmas that you want away and she will be in all likelihood have an absolutely lovely Christmas with one of your brothers.

Book it and let her know in January.
You know she will be well looked after.
You aren’t abandoning her!

Tell her in January you are away next your so cant have her. What she chooses to do from there is on her. She has other options, stop over thinking it.

Just give her a lot of notice, and go!