To say no actually, I'm burnt out

[432DifferentLife]

First time mum, 18 month old very active daughter. I'm getting lots of comments and questions from friends/relatives about having more freedom now or things getting easier and similar, feeling like myself, implying I should be doing great now.

And truthfully, I'm burnt out. I can barely function.

• I had a horrific pregnancy, I still haven't fully recovered from some of the complications.
• I went back to work full time when she was 5 months (I live abroad, 24 weeks is standard mat leave here unfortunately).
• She has only just started to sleep through. Literally, this week. Me and DH haven't yet, we still wake up like clockwork at 2am and 5am 😅

Juggling full time work while being woken up 3+ times a night after going back to work before I was ready has actually broken me. I'm fat, tired from 18 months of no sleep, in pain, and fed up. I feel sort of weak and shitty about it. I look in the mirror and feel like a failure.

We've had 2 holidays and they were horrible. My DD was just too unsettled by the new surroundings, she would be happy in the day but wake hourly at night, not want to nap, breastfeed 20 times a day. I was totally depleted by the end.

Anyone else NOT thriving at this stage?

I was actually doing really well before my mat leave ended, I regret not just resiging and staying home tbh. I don't know how the women around me do it.

It’s hard but an easier stage is around the corner. I think around 3 (might have coincided with preschool) life got a lot easier. Then again when youngest started reception.

be kind to yourself

Oh lord, I hear you. I struggled with all of it for years - having finally got through the early years stage I am much much happier. School starting helped a little, but really it wasn't until DD was about 9 or so that I actually started to feel like myself again. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear!

I think all mums have a kid age they're 'best' at and enjoy most - some love the baby bits, some the toddler times, others the early school years, some teens, some not until their kids are adults. You just haven't found your groove yet - but you will. And in a way, the silver lining of most enjoying the later years is that you don't get all sad and misty-eyed when the kids grow up. I find it thrilling to watch my DD becoming the young woman she's going to be, I don't have a shred of rose-tint of the years before that!

Do the people making these comments have children? The toddler stage is brutal, I and many others found it a lot harder than the baby stage.

They do not! We're the only ones in our wider friendship group to have a child (I'm 36 so you'd think there would be more!).

You said you regret going back to work, you still have the option to be a sahp

Try and take no notice then. It's completely normal to be exhausted with an 18 month old, especially when you have work on top of it.

Well to be honest, I find DD is at a beautiful age. She's not quite a 2 year terror yet so she's quite delightful. Which kind of makes me feel bad to be struggling! I just feel I haven't recovered and although she's great, it is all hard work.

I need a break although I'm not sure what that looks like right now.

Once you get to 3 it gets much easier.

I honestly didn’t feel human until school age, and my friends didn’t look like they felt human until school age. People say stuff and don’t consider what they’re saying op. Ignore and hope you get some semblance of sleep back!!

@KarmenPQZ @Lookingforthejoy thank you! I can see that and things are getting steadily easier. I am finding other people making me feel bad and thinking shit, am I doing this wrong.

You have absolutely every right and reason to say, no its not better, its completely burnt out.
My kids didn't sleep until they started school and I found it hard when everyone around me was seemingly managing to juggle it all. I think at 18 months something is always changing and so be kind to yourself. If holidays don't worry for you, or travelling in general, its OK to say no. You know what an unsettled night does for the family, so prioritise that comfort and sleep when you can.
It does get better, at least from a sleep perspective which I think is used as torture for a reason.

I do think juggling this stage with work can be really hard and full on! My daughter is 19 months now and also very active, I now also have a 4 week old baby (yes, madness) but I actually still find it easier now looking after them both all day on maternity leave again than I found having a toddler & working!

It’s hard trying to give 100% to work and 100% to your toddler, it doesn’t leave space for anything else really!

God no! Ask the develop more autonomy and realise they can say no it’s a nightmare!

Absolutely tell people around you how youre really feeling. I personally loved the toddler stage but found a newborn baby incredibly difficult so maybe others are just projecting a similar experience onto you.

I hated the baby bit, loathed the toddler bit, and started to warm up around 5/6. I much prefer children you can talk to sensibly (although mines a teen now so thats tailed off a bit :D). It does get better. Be kind to yourself, do you have a good support network, are the baby/toddler groups you go to. I went back to work after 6 months as I wanted some adult time. It was hard, juggling both and didnt really get much easier until they were around 4. But it does get easier - try to believe in yourself, no on knows what the hell they are doing, and everyone is just trying to do the best they can. Advice is usually meant kindly, or comments are just small talk that you are taking to heart. You are doing a great job and it will all be fine. Now excuse me while I go to the elevently billionth Christmas event where my child hardly features. This one she is a bird (in a nativity?). She does have a speaking part though. (a bird? in a nativity?)

Solidarity! I have a 2-year-old who still wakes up 2/3 times a night, so no sleep over here for us either. Pregnancy was great, but postpartum recovery was a nightmare, and I gained 25kgs! That was so unexpected, I could barely recognise myself. I'm only just recently starting to feel like myself again - a mix of finally having the energy to get to the gym, having less brain fog and socialising a bit, but it has NOT been easy and I'm still a long way off from feeling 100% 'right' again. (And don't even get me started on career life.) You're not alone.

Oh yes OP, I hear you.

My third and youngest daughter was unplanned but she was the baby that probably made my body go "I'm officially ageing now properly!", as since I've had her, in the past 6 years I've aged so much. Post natal depression, anxiety, perimenopause symptoms started during the first couple of months after she was born... my movement disorder symptoms have been horrible and the lower hormone levels havd made them worse too.

I love my children with all my heart, but at times, i yearn for a young me, energetic, less knackered looking, and no aches, pains, constant infections of some sort (gums, ingrown toenail, low grade inflammation of perimenopause).

Maybe it's all part of appreciation of thid stage of my life, and how i should try to live in the moment much more. I dunno, I have no real advice but offer empathy and solidarity.

You are doing everything well, be kind to yourself as PP say. 💕

@NooNooHead pregnancy does a real number on the body, in ways I hadn't expected.

I've had horrible eye styes regularly since I got pregnant! I can't wear eye make up at all anymore, think I wore mascara once in 2 years.

Also still have PGP and I can't walk properly without pain and at this point, I've been told it's probably permanent!

To me it sounds pretty normal you would be burnt out and you shouldn’t feel bad about it, I actually found the age your child is now more tiring than the first few months x

Your first child is the hardest - please don’t listen to these people! Could you reduce your working hours and / or buy in some help? It will become easier within a couple of years.

I don't know anyone who works full time with a toddler who finds it easy! It's not and I think you're very normal for feeling worn out and the lack of sleep is a killer. Don't worry what anyone else says, and be kind to yourself. Make sure DH does his fair share of bedtimes, night waking and try and get a break for a few hours by yourself at the weekend, DH can take little one to the park, soft play, library or supermarket while you catch up on some sleep or have a soak in a hot bubble bath. Or go out and meet a friend for lunch/coffee and cake!

For sure. There's a reason why traditionally one parent was at home. Needing both parents to work has been detrimental to families. Pure exhaustion for both parents and kids. People make fun of 1950s lifestyle but they had so much time and energy back then. Can you find a remote part time job?

Oh it’s relentless isn’t it? I think parents these days have it harder in many ways than most generations before. The full time work and lack of support.
3.5. that was the magic for my three. Everything suddenly felt more calm and they became so much less hard work. Plus you can get rid of so much giant equipment. Prams and high chairs and all that.
Unless you have another one. But then it’s your turn to get an easy one!

Take it from a SAHP with a 20 month old…, the grass is not greener! I keep thinking I’d feel less frazzled and more sane if he was out a nursery every day and went back to work. That maybe he’d be more stimulated and tired if he was out all day so sleep through the night. blah blah

Yeah I'm not cut out to be a SAHM kong term. But going back at 5 months post partum was brutal. Pumping in the office, teething started soon after, having to be up at 6am for work even though baby was sleeping and I had been up 5 times so zero snooze opportunity. I put on 30 lbs.