Partner working long hours and going to all work socials

[wallingfordsun]

My partner works very long hours, leaves house around 9am and back between 9pm-10pm every evening. They also go to all work drinks whenever they are on, which is not super often, maybe once per month, but I thought they might skip these once in a while to spend an evening with me as we never get those together during the week. AIBU to think this?

He leaves pretty late and 12 - 13 hours out of the house for work each day including commute isn’t out of the ordinary!

Socialising once per month with colleagues over a drink also not out of the ordinary.

Once a month being social is hardly masses, I thought you were going to say most evenings. Are these on week nights or weekends? I assume week nights? as that’s usually when work drinks happen elsewhere.

Absolutely, try and claim back some more time. But is he working these hours because he has to (doctor or something) or because he’s a workaholic?

Are those hours he chooses? How far from the office are you?

Once a month isn’t really all that much!

Are you in the house together in the mornings? Leaving at 9am is quite late, normally DH and I are out before 7 - so can you make use of the morning time together rather than waiting for the evenings?

Is he in finance or similar? Those sort of hours are not unusual and I always went to the social events as it's expected. I don't see a big deal in what he's doing as it's pretty usual - unless you are saying your don't believe he is working that long or is perhaps seeing something at work at the socials?

Why is he doing such long hours?

It seems he (they?) can get away earlier for a social, but cant to prioritise home?

I don't think once a month on a work social is too much. I do think working until 10pm more than occasionlly can be a problem.

I’m out from 6am to 6pm (including travel time). I don’t think that’s particularly outlandish.

Going out once a month is hardly a big deal.

He's lucky he can leave so late.

Once a month? That's nothing! Leave the poor man have a life. You need to add a hobby to your own full time job so you can have your own life without being a burden to him.

I’d not begrudge the monthly drinks, but depending on the nature of his job, I might ask if he would consider a hybrid arrangement where he worked from home one or two days a week, so he could finish at 730. Or he could simply decide to manage his work so that he always has one evening free.

If you are planning to have children at any point and he’s not got any intention of dialling down his working hours, or moving companies to one with a shorter commute, I would rethink the future of the relationship.

Could be a she, everyone's assuming it's a He...not that it matters

Because on balance of probabilities, given mumsnets demographic, it’s likely to be “he”. So a fairly reasonable assumption

Lawyer??

I agree with a PP that if he/she can manage to leave the office early for work drinks once a month, he/she can also manage to leave the office early to spend an evening with you, at least once a month.

I would focus on this, ie ask him/her to book in early finish “date nights” with you, rather than not going to the work drinks.

Do you get weekends together?

It’s strange how 9 till 9 seems like really long hours whereas 6 till 6 not so much, both 12 hours.

Does if have to start at 9? I don’t see how him going for a drink after work, so after 9pm, once a month would make a whole lot of difference to the quality time you spend together. Aren’t you tired when he gets home anyway?

I think it's only on MN, where everybody is home by 4:30 apparently, in pjs having diner by 5pm, and watching tv for the evening while the kids are in bed by 5:3pm 😂

In the real world, loads of people don't go home until 9 or 10, and sure don't have early diners in the middle of the afternoon.

Maybe the OP is one of the afternoon people?

I don't think going out once a month for work related drinks is a big deal to be honest ,

His working hours seem normal to me my dh starts at 9am works in retail finishes at 6pm he leaves home at 8.30am daily gets in about 6.40pm most evenings

The last company I was with was huge, and since all the managers obviously thought their own teams were great, the promotions were decided by committee... so all the managers of a certain grade would discuss all the people up for promotion, and a lucky few would get it. This means you had to network like hell if you wanted to get promoted, so that everyone knew who you were. One of the easiest ways to achieve that was to stand next to the right people at the socials and make incisive conversation. I'm not defending the system: it works heavily in favour of certain personality types and demographics, but unfortunately that was how it happened.

I don't think once a month is bad. Depending on his role networking is important and he may also be expected to attend.

I’m not sure the once a month social is your main issue here. Why’s he working twelve hours a day? And what sort of relationship are you having when you actually see him.

Why’s he working twelve hours a day?

😂😂😂

That's such a mumsnet comment 😂

Why the coyness about pronouns?

Regardless, once a month is fine.

Is it 🙄

They doesn't have to be finishing early to go out for drinks...

Most pubs and bars serve until 11pm at least, Spoons 12am etc

I work until 9/10pm and we will go out for a drink together after that sometimes...

Anyway OP - once a month isn't so bad

My dh leaves at 6am home at 6pm. I thought 12 hours with commute is average for most jobs