Husbands wages

[Anyusernamewilldo8963]

Well STBEXH to be accurate as we are in the process of divorce. This is no longer relevant as 1) we are divorcing 2) he no longer even works this job and 3) it won't change anything. I'm asking purely for my own understanding was this fucked up or no big deal?

My STBEXH worked cash in hand and I never knew what he earned, not even a guesstimate. He was abusive (including financially) but I never thought not knowing his wage was a big deal until I got a horrified reaction when it randomly came up in conversation with an acquaintance the other day.

YABU it's not a big deal that you didn't know

YANBU you were married it's fucked up you didn't know and yes this is also financial abuse.

Of course you should know the wage of the person you are married to!

The fact that you didn’t know isn’t financial abuse on its own, but he was abusive anyway so who knows. I don’t think it’s unheard of not to know, but I think most people have a very good idea of what their spouse earns if not the exact figure.

My STBEXH worked cash in hand and I never knew what he earned,

Well, that's on you too.

Why TF did you not wake up to your situation...?

Hope there are not children in this mess.

You can work it out OP when you throw him out of your life.

Of course it's fucked up you didn't know. How can you even arrange your finances as a couple if you don't know how much money you have? How did you? How did you think other people do?

Good luck for the future; I hope you won't waste your time on pricks again. You're worth more.

most people have a very good idea of what their spouse earns if not the exact figure.

Weird thinking.... Couples should be utterly open about their salary, tax take, rent/morgage. etc.

Bring children into the mix, it gets even weirder.... --and they get fucked up and carry it into the next generation, and so it goes on and on.

They should be, but reality is often different.

so he doesn't pay tax and getting any child support from him will be nigh on impossible i expect too.

Plenty of couples pay 50/50 to the bills, and any excess is their own. Did you pay 50% of your household bills, OP?

Knowing full wage, taxes paid or owing even more important if self employed! It’s extremely important and relevant in marriage and long term relationships.

We’ve just got one account so I know exactly what my DH earns. However, if he earned cash in hand I would expect to have that discussion after he had met with his accountant. If he’s not meeting an accountant then I presume he’s not declaring tax which would make me uncomfortable anyway and I would have sacked him off.

My own DM hides her earnings and savings from my DF. He is an alcoholic and is always asking for money (he is a pensioner). My mum makes out they have very little money for her to give to him, when the truth is she has a decent amount hidden away. She wont leave him as he will end up with her money anyway.

Plenty of people - especially women - have no idea what their spouse or partner earns. That alone is not financial abuse. I am a woman who was married to a woman and I had no idea how much my ex earned until we went through the process of divorce (her choice - she left for OW), when I found out that it wasn’t just that I didn’t know, it was that she’d lied about that and many other financial matters.

I feel you should maybe have quoted from my opening paragraph where I clearly stated we are in the process of divorcing.... or even continued reading further into the paragraph you did quote where I clearly stated he was abusive, I'm going to make assumptions like you have and assume you have not been physically, emotionally, sexually, financially, mentally abused along with isolation and coercive control every single day for years so you no longer know what's "normal"?

I have "woken up" and left him 3 years ago, my two DC are no longer in that "mess" and are thriving thank you. He has been well and truly "thrown out" of our lives and all contact is now via solicitors.

Thank you for all the responses so far, I'd be interested to hear from the 12% who see this as no big deal like I did for so long to hear why they voted this way.

In answer to a question that came up a couple of times, no tax was ever paid, he wasn't to be questioned about anything though and at the point in the marriage this was happening it wouldn't have even occurred to me to ask as I was too busy just trying to survive.

I'm so sorry to read this and fully understand and agree with your DM not giving full disclosure of the finances in these circumstances

I'm sorry you went through this and I hope you are now through the other side and happier