To not ask for MIL help with childcare?

[Tiredlights]

DD is 3 and my MIL has rarely looked after her. DD has a mild disability which affects what foods she can safely eat. MIL knows this but on numerous occasions has given her something that is unsafe and I've had to intervene. In the early days there were some joking comments made about not telling mum and dad what goes on when we are not around which just made me uneasy. I have a gut feeling that I don't want to leave my daughter for long periods of time with her but I feel so incredibly guilty about it. She is lovely in other ways and very obviously cares for DD but she has a very blase attitude at times (not sure if that's the right word). I have never stopped any relationship between them and encourage her to come and visit, but as far as childcare goes I would just rather not ask. I feel so bad about it but I genuinely worry about my DD too much. I'm certainly not a MIL basher btw, I would love to have a closer relationship in fact, but I just can't shake how I feel.

Instincts are there for a reason. It’s nice that you still see the good points about your Mil and value yours and your child’s relationship with her, even if you can’t quite trust her for childcare. You might find that when your dd is older and can advocate for herself more that you will feel more comfortable.

So is she still trying to give her unsafe foods?

@Hankunamatata yes she did it just the other day. It's not deliberate or anything, I think she just doesn't think! I stepped in and said oh DD can't have that, she didn't even respond. Tbh I would prefer to be asked first about any foods being given to my child just out of courtesy, especially without checking she can safely eat them.

@Celestialmoods yes this is my hope too. It's just starting to feel awkward that I never ask for her help.

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable decision to me. Your job is to do the best for your child, not to keep grown adults happy.

This way She can be fun grandma and you won’t be worrying that you are taking advantage of her. If she ever raises it, that’s the spin you can put on it

Has it been spelled out to her that it’s a serious medical problem for DD to eat these foods? It sounds like she may not fully understand the severity of it, and may think it’s harmless like a lot of GPs may give a cheeky sweet and no harm done. So maybe she could be given another chance if you explained it again and were confident you’d she’d understood. But if she knows full well and is just ignoring then or refusing to believe you then sadly she’s not safe to be left alone with DD until DD is able to know herself what she can/can’t have.

You are just trying to keep her safe. Don't feel guilty.

Your MIL has chosen to ignore the information that you have provided about your DD's medical condition and which foods she needs to avoid, so you can't trust her to look after your daughter properly.

@Bitzee yeah she definitely knows, I think she just forgets or doesn't think about it enough. DD does really well and as I said her disability is mild which I think makes it harder as people don't realise that actually it is still serious if something goes wrong. We've had one serious conversation about it before and she was very upset, and she says all the right things at the time, but she just seems to not think. I definitely think it's similar to what you said about giving a sweet because it's Gran wanting to spoil them. It's always a "fun" food so she obviously wants to treat DD but it's really unsafe without asking me first. It makes me feel like I'm overreacting and I should give her a chance, I just can't get to that point where I would trust her enough.

I get the stress. Not as nearly seriously but two of my dc are dairy intolerant and mil kept giving them dairy. Then we had to deal with stomach cramps, snotty noses and not sleeping. Dh ended up going through her (then fil did the same) and she got better. It helped when dc were old enough to say they couldnt have that.
I also dropped off loads of treat style foods that were 'safe' so mil had a stash

Does she even want to help? The presumption that GPs are totally happy to do unpaid childcare is weird.
My kids have been er been alone in with my in laws. They just would not be interested in that (I’m talking about back when as my kids are grown), and certainly never offered. My own parents did some babysitting at night, but as they were late 70s when my kids were born not really up to much active daycare, and I didn’t need them to anyway. I paid for their daycare.
But I guess you’ll just have to tell her (or your partner if you think that will carry more weight) that if she can’t feed your child the right foods then she can’t ever be left alone with her. I mean sit her down and spell it out, don’t just pussy foot around the issue.

@mondaytosunday yes she does. We don't make presumptions about any of the grandparents helping out, so nothing weird at all. I've always had to make an excuse or take time off work so I don't have to ask her. We have spelled it out once before, but I agree maybe I need to be more direct.

@Hankunamatata that's made me so annoyed just reading that! It's things like that and people wonder why MILs get a hard time. Having a stash of snacks is a good idea, I might think about that going forward.

Your priority is the safety of your DD, no need to feel guilty at all.

It is so bizarre how often this happens! Two of my friends have children with serious nut allergies, and both have parents or in-laws who just don’t really believe them, or get that it’s life threatening.

In one case my friend’s mum moans that she’s never allowed to babysit DC - but she won’t learn how to use an epi-pen, and rolls her eyes any time my friend checks ingredient lists to make sure things are nut free.