Am I wrong to believe he won’t beat his drinking issues

[Floral2]

My partner that I am currently separated from has a drinking issue. It’s not during the week drinking it’s the weekend. Friday - Sunday he will get black out drunk because he can’t stop himself. He even hopes that while in this state that he does not wake up to life again. I’ve stood by him as I don’t want to leave someome while they are in a dark place but I’m getting to the point I can’t take it and I feel this will never stop.

He wanted a change to be better and do better. On the weekend he said he wasn’t going to drink. The only way he socialises with his friends and family is through drinking, he found himself extremely bored and isolated. He told me he decided to drink on one of the days on the weekend but In a controlled environment as he was too bored. Now the explanations are coming which I feel are excuses and maybe I’m wrong for that. They are I’m only gonna drink on occasions or in a controlled environment. However he always finds an occasion and end up spiralling.

im starting to think this won’t change. I’m tired of hearing the excuses, the anxiety I get when Friday comes and the possibilities of what he’s doing to destroy himself and the after chaos of darkness I have to witness when his alcohol and friends have gone for the week. He’s nearly 30, broke due to this lifestyle and full of “I’m going to”.

Am I wrong for this ? I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t want to change as it would require him to start fresh find new friend, hobbies and be disciplined to stand on his two feet.

End it.

Are you married and do you have children?

Actually that doesn’t even really matter, I’m only asking because I’m confused as to why else you would ever consider staying with him? Ever?

The only way this is going to work is if he goes out and finds other interests because all his social life now is connected to the pub. It wouldn't be so bad if he could drink in moderation but once he starts he gets very drunk. He won't stop unless he changes his life or goes teetotal Op

No you are not wrong. You can separate from him for no reason at all,other than you just want to.

If his drinking is a problem for you, then it’s a problem for you - end of.

I understand that people addicted to alcohol cannot give up unless they really want to, and sometimes that means they have to reach rock bottom before they really want to change. It may be that he hasn’t reached rock bottom.

It does look like he is just finding excuses to justify drinking, I’m not even sure what a controlled environment is - but it sounds like even that doesn’t work.

You are right that if he wants to change he needs to stay away from the people he usually drinks with. Most people if bored - their first thought isn’t - I’ll drink to oblivion.

You need to stand back, and he needs to sort himself out - or not.

You aren’t ’abandoning’ him when he’s in a dark place. I think most professionals also say the only person who can help an addict is the addict themselves. You have done enough. Think of yourself now.

i think mentally you need to move on and admit there is no future in this relationship. Once you do that, you will find it easier to physically start living your life as you should.

You are not wrong. Don't go back to him. He might give up drinking one day, but it's not very likely, and you standing by him won't help.

I know several people who have managed to leave this lifestyle behind, but they have all completely changed their lives, friends and interests. Most have become "addicted" to some sport or fitness activity instead and their social lives now revolve around that.

He's an addict and unless he makes some real changes and seeks professional help an support, he won't ever get any better.

Your love won't change him or heal him. Only he can do that.

End it and save yourself. He can't focus on healing in a relationship anyway. He needs to be alone to focus on himself.

If I were you, I'd end it.

Your partner has some pretty serious drinking issues, no off switch when he starts, the only way he wants to fill his time and his boredom is drinking with friends and family, the self loathing that comes with drinking when you don't want to drink because of knowing the damage it's doing and yet you still feel compelled to drink, meaning that when you drink you drink to oblivion and don't care if you don't wake up, because you don't have to face the fall out then.

I feel for him, I really do, it's a horribly shit place to be. But if he really wants to change, it's unlikely just announcing it is going to magically fix the problem, because all those issues stay with him, unless he changes them, like not starting in the first place, finding different ways to spend his time with different people, etc. He sounds like he needs support, but, that doesn't mean that support has to be you, or even should be you.

You have every right, and the responsibility, to look after you first and foremost. And while you stay at his side, he can tell himself that it's not that bad, he's still got you, and if he's still got you, then it's not that bad. . .

Never go back to him.

He'll never stop drinking and he'll pull you down with him.

He is in a downward spiral and he’s taking you along for the ride.

Get of now before your mental health is ruined.

He is fundamentally a very weak man and will never change.

He may change he may not
I used to date4 a guy I ended with because he was a p head
Now he has a few beers at most on occasion
All that matters is what is happening now and he is drinking now

If he could control it, these things wouldn't be happening

He needs to accept that the only way he can control his drinking is by not drinking at all. He doesn't have an off switch once he's started. Many people with alcohol issues do the same - 'I'll only drink certain days, I'll drink water in between to slow myself down, I won't take my card out so I can only buy so much...' it doesn't work.

If he's not ready to accept that, you need to move on.

His relationship is with alcohol not you.
End it now before he drags you down with him.

Walk away. Talk is cheap, but his actions are very different. Don’t waste your life on a man like this.

People with substance abuse issues can always find endless excuses to continue to abuse their substance of choice. "I've had a great day, let's celebrate!", "Gosh today was dull. Let's have a drink." "I'm sad, I deserve a drink", "You'd drink too if you were married to my wife", "Life's too short to be miserable" etc etc etc. It's all self-justification to give themselves permission to do the thing they know they really shouldn't be doing. It's all bullshit.

As a broad, sweeping generalisation, people with drug/alcohol problems will only take steps to properly deal with it when the regret over what they have already lost plus the fear of what they may go on to lose outweighs the dread of what life will be like without their substance of choice. Many never reach that point and die an addict's death. It's desperately sad but the ONLY person who has control over that is him. You didn't cause his alcohol problem, you can't control his alcohol problem, and you can't cure it. The choice is his.

Your choice is whether or not you wish to watch him spiral downwards in the vague hope that, one day, he'll decide to stop. Or move on and live your life for yourself rather than at the mercy of someone else's substance abuse.

Run and dont waste any more time waiting for him to change

I was married to a guy who had alcohol problems/addiction. Once I figured the extent of it, I did everything I could for years to try and help him - including shelling out £££££s on private rehab. I believed the promises and stayed for longer than I should have. He gaslit me beyond belief. I blamed myself for not being more supportive. It did a number on my mental health. We separated too - a last ditch thing to see if he would actually get sober (and clean). Didn't happen.

I can promise you that the only way he will stop is if he wants to, if he engages with help, makes no more excuses and if he keeps engaging with getting help and staying sober. All the rehab in the world won't do a thing - and neither would you begging/pleading/doing ultimatums etc - unless he wants to stop, is completely honest/starts to become accountable and properly engages with the process of sorting himself out.

In your shoes, I would end things. Do it for your own peace of mind. I remember the stress, the anxiety and all the fall outs from dealing with an alcoholic. They drag you down with them. It's heartbreaking and it's shit but it isn't your battle to fight. He's a grown man, with capacity to make these decisions. He knows the score, leave him to it. x

Sadly he sounds nowhere near ready to work on his issues. Protect yourself and leave x

YANBU. He's made it abundantly clear he can't or won't address this issue seriously.

It may be an addiction and I'm sure its difficult but it is not your job to carry someone who is drinking himself to oblivion.

You sound quite co-dependent and I think you need a wake-up call about alcoholics. They cannot be "helped" or "supported" unless they are totally committed to wanting to help themselves. And sometimes even then it's not enough. You say you don't want to leave him in a "dark place", but the reality is that you will not be able to drag him out, he will drag you in.

It's really really hard for an alcoholic to stop drinking. You can only do it by doing a brutally honest inventory of your life and what you are doing wrong and resetting everything: a lot of soul searching, probably therapy, certainly support. Changing friends, changing outlook, everything. He's not there, he's not even close. He won't do it while he's being enabled: he will continue to kid himself that he's doing it in "controlled environments" etc. It's bullshit.

If he really wants to change, he will do it and do it on his own. You being around to enable this won't make it easier for him and it will drag you under. Time to move on.