DS hates new secondary school

[Schoolregret]

DS13 started secondary school in September. He went to a completely different school to all his school friends who continued from the primary school to the secondary school.

DS has not settled in at all. He hates the school and has no friends to hang out with at lunch time. Prior to this DS really liked school and had a good bunch of friends.

I've tried to get him a place in the school where all his friends are but they have no spaces and said it could be the new school year in September 2026 before he might get a place.

My heart is breaking for him everyday and I'm worried about his mental health. Yesterday he just walked out of the school as he said " he couldnt take it anymore".

is there something bad going on at the new school? Is he being bullied? Are people being mean to him? Is he struggling with the academic work?

If it’s just that he misses his friends, then he probably just needs to give it a go and focus on his lessons and clubs etc.

I can see how it must be breaking your heart.

Speak to his tutor and him obviously about what is happening and definitely look at the games and clubs. He needs to find his people who may not be in his academic classes. Keep a very close eye on this OP.

Get his name down for the other school
And tell him you are trying to get him a place he just needs to ride it out until then - are there lunch clubs he can go to?

Not struggling academically. He has said some boys who are not in his 'base" room have made comments to him. He wouldn't tell me their names and wouldn't let me contact the school as he didn't want to be a "rat". My DD is also in the same school and she has said she has seen him playing football with other boys at lunch time but has also seen him on his own at times too. He said he hasn't been added to any group chats the class have and at the weekend a group of them went out and didn't ask him.

He does get up for school everyday but once he's there I'm getting phonecalls to say he is unwell and wants to go home.

Problem with this is that it might not be the answer.

Firstly by doing this he won't make any friends at the new school because he will be waiting to leave - but the space may not come up at all.

Second. Everyone in the other school will have changed and moved on. It is common for primary school friends to drop off when going to secondary school, so it might be the same there as starting as a new kid is hard.

What was the reason he went to a different school?

It is also really normal for year 7 to be hard and friendship issues whilst they all settle down into senior school. Speak to the school, encourage him to join clubs. Good luck

He refuses to join any clubs even though I have encouraged him. One of the reasons we picked the school is because of all the sport and clubs which we knew he had an interest in. In his previous school he took part in everything.

This was my son he choose a school different to his friends as it was more sports oriented, halfway through the year he broke down and said he didn’t want to go anymore, it was effecting his mental health, I spoke to the eduction officer and explained the situation, I put his name down for the other school and just after Christmas he got a place , he was like his happy old self again.
give them a ring and try to push for a place tell them it effecting his mental health, it’s better to try and just change it now.
its like going to a job you hate , as an adult you’d change it, not worth the hassle of trying to make them stay where they aren’t happy, especially not in the teenage years.

Thank you. I have the application form for the other school, I'm just waiting on school reports from his primary school. I will enclose a written letter along with his application explaining the situation and then follow up with a phonecall.

I was actually shocked when the secretary told me it was highly unlikely he would get a place.

Im sure you were going to do this anyway, but make sure you use the phrase “school refuser” as in “I am concerned this will develop into him becoming a school refuser”. Also talk about his “attendance record” if you have a paper trail and you have evidence of your concerns over those two things, it may possibly strengthen your case. I’m sure someone with more experience will be along with better advice.

I hated the first secondary school I went to. No bullying but I just struggled to make friends and was lonely. Remember a few times eating my sandwiches in the loo as I had no-one to sit next to at lunch. I’m so grateful that my parents let me leave after a few terms, even though I moved to a ‘less good’ school on paper. I fitted in much better and it was like night and day compared to the other school. Thank you for taking what your son is saying seriously, I’m sure just being heard by you is making it better for him. The waiting list for the other school might not end up being as long as the school has said.

Also, even if it does mean waiting until the next academic year, just the knowing that he is able to move could be a real boost for him, as it’s a time frame he can work to.

Hopefully you can get him into the other school and all will be well, but I wanted to say that in my daughters school all the same primary school children stuck together until around February before new friendships developed and lots were then closer to unknown kids. My daughter is now in year 8 and is no longer close friends with any of her primary school friends. All may not be lost if he does have to stay. It’s really hard for you (and him) and I really do sympathise x

How come he went to a different secondary school to all his friends?

Why were you shocked? If the year group is at capacity, they can’t magic up a place

As an interim compromise, could you get your son to join one club at school that sounds the least awful while you fill in the paperwork for the new school and wait for a place? I am thinking it could help him to know that it won't be forever, although how long is unknown, and in the meantime he might find a friend through the club. If things in the meantime then you can withdraw the request to move.

If the year group is full, you would have to prove that the detriment to your son not getting a place at the school, is greater than the detriment to the school taking a pupil over number.

Do you think that you have the evidence for that? Otherwise, make sure you’re on the waiting list for a place and hope that one comes up quickly.

Presumably these are private schools ? Was there a main entry point at 13 or was he one of few new pupils trying to integrate? Is he still in contact with the friends, does he realise that they may also have moved on socially? They may seem to be having a more seamless transition but reality could be different.

Is he still seeing/in touch with the primary friends at a different school? I think if they're not all in touch and meeting up, then you do get a place in September 2026, he might find they've all moved on and it's even trickier for him as he will have to realise his old friends arent the same. I think you need to apply for a place if that's what he really wants, and at the same time keep those friendships really strong. Have an honest, adult conversation with him

• we are taking this seriously and have applied for the different school
• There is a risk a place won't come up
• you need to make a real effort to commit to the current school whilst we wait, join the clubs, make the effort, yes it is hard but you may need to do at least a year and it's only been 1 term
• keep up any clubs or hobbies outside of school, and any previous friendships he has, so he is able to practice socialising and remember that he does have friends, is well liked etc

My son has just moved schools, he's a different child. It wasn't for the same reasons as your son, but I'm so glad we heard him and didn't keep pushing for years in the wrong place. After a year of misery, we pulled him out and used tutors until a place at the right school came up. There's always options.

As some previous people have said, you need to find out about the old friends. Are they still friends and hang around together at lunchtimes, breaks, go to clubs etc. Most primary school friends drift apart by Christmas and make new friends. Your son could be in the same situation as the primary school friends have probably forgotten about him by now and if he went they would be in their new friendship groups etc. I hope it works out for you and him though

You say he's 13 and started secondary school is he a year behind?

Some areas senior school starts at Year 9 so 13.

How big is the intake at the school? If it's an Upper School it might be big ie 200 plus per year.
Even if they are capacity now, kids move all the time. Get him on the list and find out where he is on the wait list. My friends son was at something like 20 but got a space towards Easter as when they approached all those higher up they had decided to stay put.
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I’m not sure why you’re shocked the school told you he would be unlikely to get a place! Good schools are hugely over subscribed.
on to your son, does the school have a pastoral team? Speak to them and see if they can offer him some support. Does he keep in contact with his primary school friends? If not encourage him to make contact with them. I was in a school I hated for 2 years but my DM ensured I kept in contact with friends from primary school.

I was shocked because it wouldn't be one of the popular schools in our area. No cachement area,basically open to anyone who applies and numbers have been dwindling.

I have spoken to his year head about what is going on and they are going to have a chat with him today about how he is feeling. He still talks to his primary school friends on the phone and over the computer but he doesn't go out with them, rarely did anyway.

Interesting that you say he never went out with his primary school mates. Does he have difficulty with new situations or making friends?

You were shocked it was at full capacity? They won’t be lying to you @Schoolregret