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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DM hates my in-laws

23 replies

Charboo · 09/12/2025 22:58

Long story short me and my DH have been together 12 years and have 4 lovely DC. My mum as long as I can remember hates my in-laws. There all around similar age (in their sixties) The other day she went on a massive rant how they were awful to her on my wedding day..my wedding was very small just immediate family so siblings plus there spouses and parents only type all we could really afford which my mum insisted on paying on as in her only daughter.
She says "There was a lot that went wrong for me and that wedding when I think about it"
"There was only me and your brother there and his parents didn't come up and speak to us" and his older sister smiled but didn't say hello" they were sat at the other side of the long table but I think she means in-between the meal where people usually mingle. My husband grandma that was in her eighties before she left turned round to my mum and said " thank you for inviting me" which tells me she thought my mum had taken over too much as she refused to let anyone of the family help financially. My mil taken the wedding cake back and cut it for the family while me and DH went straight away on honey moon, my DH grandma had told her daughter my MIL you better take some cake for my mum and brother she did and when she dropped some cake of at my mum's she apologised and said "I'm so sorry I just completely about you two and it was my mother that reminded me" and my mum was disgusted with her" and said how nasty she is, there has been an awful lot that's happend over the years and now when there is children events at school it's so stressful and awkward for me because my mum will be polite to her but then do nothing but moan about her to me and say she said "this and she never came up for breath" if there's a sports day or nativity and my mil can't make it and is gutted and my mum can my mum will say "I bet she's mad a hell I'm going" that will piss her off I hope you told her I'm going" she will be livid" I've tried so many times to say my MIL never says a bad word about you and she hasn't to my DH but she doesn't believe me she says I know she thinks "I've been a shit mother" "I just know she thinks that of me" when it's arranging kids birthday parties all I hear is my mum slate her constant and it does get me down I don't tell my husband all though he knows what my mum's like as he would get really annoyed with her. When my husband had dropped my mil and mum home after my son's 5th birthday party they live 30 mins away so quite a drive my mum sat in the back after mil had offered if she would like to sit in the front she said no and was silent and said mil didn't come up for breath, talked my husband's ear off and swung round half way journey said "I forgot you was there how are you?" My mum replied with oh it's alright and sat in silence again and now all I hear is how nasty she was to say that and rude she is to her. Does any one else deals with this kind of jealousy I feel so stuck in the middle and every time there something going on with the kids it's gets like this and I don't think it's fair. I know my eldest is nearly 15 and she went shopping with my mum and made a comment about my MIL and my mum was delighted I could tell she always been jealous thinking my MIl is trying to take the kids away from her" it's getting exhausting now to try and convince my mum that it's not the case but she really believe it is.

OP posts:

RecordBreakers · 09/12/2025 23:06

I don't know what you are asking if YABU about, but it seems pretty clear you Mum IBU.

What an odd woman.

Does she constantly criticise everyone and misinterpret any words and actions, or does she just save this for your dh's family ?

Original poster

Charboo · 09/12/2025 23:08

RecordBreakers · 09/12/2025 23:06

I don't know what you are asking if YABU about, but it seems pretty clear you Mum IBU.

What an odd woman.

Does she constantly criticise everyone and misinterpret any words and actions, or does she just save this for your dh's family ?

She is quite critical of most people in general, but my in-laws definitely get it the worst.

OP posts:

Original poster

Charboo · 09/12/2025 23:10

I realised I think I should of changed the category as I just uploaded AIBU?

OP posts:

labamba18 · 09/12/2025 23:11

Your mum sounds incredibly insecure and also she must be very bored to make up these scenarios in her head! Can you not just say “give it a rest mum!”

lazyarse123 · 09/12/2025 23:17

If it's bothering you you need to tell her you don't want to hear it. If she carries on you need to leave or put the phone down.
She'll probably accuse you of favouring mil but tell her that's all in her head and keave her too it.

Soonenough · 09/12/2025 23:17

If she brings up the wedding stuff again remind her it's been 12 years . Get over it mother ! I had an Uncle like this nothing but critical of even his own relatives. Finally had to tell him that is wasn't very nice and that he was boring me. Think he was most taken back by the boring part.

Figcherry · 09/12/2025 23:18

The standard reply in our house is 'would you like some salt to go with that chip on your shoulder.'

Your dm has self esteem issues i think.
She needs therapy.

Pistachiocake · 09/12/2025 23:33

That's awful, I'm so sorry. Would she benefit from some MH support? Is she behaving like this because she feels inferior? Pointing out that her grandkids are half from their side of the family, and how upsetting and difficult it is for you when she's mean about that should be enough to stop her, but if she continues behaving like this, could you try some days out just with her, MIL and you to try to build a relationship, and if not tell her she needs to get help to be polite, as it's not fair on you.

Crinkle77 · 09/12/2025 23:36

Hmm your mum does sound quite critical. However the fact that the in laws didn't make an effort to speak to your mother at the wedding was odd as was taking the wedding cake particularly as your mum had paid for it. I'm not surprised she was annoyed and was then made to feel like an after thought when her share was taken to her. But yeah she does need to get over it.

DuchessDandelion · 09/12/2025 23:42

My husband grandma that was in her eighties before she left turned round to my mum and said " thank you for inviting me" which tells me she thought my mum had taken over too much as she refused to let anyone of the family help financially

Are you sure this was passive aggressive? Traditionally it was the brides parents who invited guests and it was quite normal for thank you letters to be sent to them afterwards.

Aside from that your mum sounds desperately insecure and it must be so stressful for her feeling like this all the time.

But yanbu - it's tough having to hear so much negativity all the time

Giddykiddy · 10/12/2025 11:10

That's awful and sooo unreasonable.

Could your mum be on the spectrum and wired differently socially from most people.

My MIL has a massive grudge against my best friend who coordinated hair and make up at my wedding for her and some guests. She felt she should have gone first but was left by friend towards the end so her hair and make up were fresh. I've tried explaining this including that I went last among the bridal party for this reason but she can't even bear to hear my friends name mentioned without going into a rage. I manage the unreasonableness of this ( and other things) by accepting she's undiagnosed neurodiverse and not mentioning my friend.

DH agrees she is ND.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 10/12/2025 11:20

I don't particularly like my daughter's in-laws but she would never know because I keep my feelings to myself. Your mum is out of order. Like others said, tell her to get over it. It's been twelve years and ignore comments or change the subject

ThePinkCritic · 10/12/2025 18:47

you are not being unreasonable. it is clear that your mum is clearly suffering with MH problems and has probably slipped the net of undiagnosed autism or narcissism. my MIL suffers from narcissism and BPD takes medication for it. however, she is absolutely insufferable. I know for a fact my SIL does not like her however she has been too afraid to speak up and has now got self caught in this web of my MIL’s manipulation. The best way to escape is to cut them off altogether unfortunately narcissism roots deep in these sort of people and you just can’t get rid instances like this.

StruggleFlourish · 11/12/2025 01:02

Figcherry · 09/12/2025 23:18

The standard reply in our house is 'would you like some salt to go with that chip on your shoulder.'

Your dm has self esteem issues i think.
She needs therapy.

Good answer but it puts me in the mind now for salty chips and, now I'm hungry.

patooties · 11/12/2025 01:21

My mother is the same. Takes against people randomly. Always wants to be the ‘primary’ grandparent over in laws.
If she has to see them she cannot help herself either slagging off everything they say or do - or making things up about them. I heard her re-tell a scenario to someone and it was nothing like what I had seen and heard - and was all geared to make the audience hate my sisters in-laws. I’m always amazed at how people lap this shit up as coffee table chat to be honest.

Her recent behaviour during some incredibly difficult times has lead me to believe she is a narcissist- however I do not have enough gas in the tank to deal with her. I’m just glad others can see it now.
She’s almost 80 so we are unlikely to have to manage her terrible behaviour much longer.

ProfessorRizz · 11/12/2025 05:28

MIL is like this. She has fallen out with almost everyone she has ever met, and can’t handle situations where she isn’t controlling everyone. She can’t process anything outside of her influence, and frames stories in terms of how events reflect on her. I think she’s autistic (lots of ND in wider family).

Needless to say we don’t really see PILs.

TheAutumnCrow · 11/12/2025 05:35

Charboo · 09/12/2025 23:10

I realised I think I should of changed the category as I just uploaded AIBU?

Yeah, you’re in AIBU, strap in!

Your DM sounds exhausting.

slightlyunimpressed · 11/12/2025 06:19

My grandma was exactly the same. She decided not to speak to my dad either but lived in a granny annexe in his house. Basically spent her whole time trying to get me and siblings to slag off dad and if we did she’d give us extra pocket money. Looking at the ND etc in the great grandchildren, I am very sure that there was either ND or narcissism going on. I’m just quite relieved she was dead before any of us had children so didn’t have that influence on another generation.

LoveWine123 · 11/12/2025 07:00

She can feel how she wants about them, it doesn’t mean you need to engage in that conversation and listen to her. Change the topic, tell her not to speak about it, leave the room when she starts. Your mother’s attitude is not your issue, don’t make it your own and don’t let her cause you issues with your in laws if none exist. I speak from experience…I used to hang up the phone turn she started ranting about my MIL…don’t engage!!

Cornelire · 11/12/2025 07:12

Your Mum sounds unhinged and clearly likes to wallow in some fantasy grudge she has against your MIL which is one sided. I would tell her you are not prepared to listen to her speak like that again.

My Mum didn't particularly gel with my ILs but she never bad mouthed them. She supported me through the issues both Dh and I had with his parents, helped us navigate them and their old fashioned attitudes and tried to make light of the situation, not fuel the fire.

Tell your Mum that she should be doing that. Ranting on about a wedding that happened 12 years ago is not healthy. Bitterness eats away at you. Tell her you are worried about her and this nastiness.

Kokonimater · 05/01/2026 10:54

When my mother did this relentlessly about some family members I got so fed up and said if you don’t stop I’ll leave. I was at her house. She carried on and I left. The next time she started on the phone. I said if you don’t stop I’ll put the phone down. I did but called her back. The next time I was at her house again and she started. I completely blatantly interrupted her and said some random like ‘did you see that thing on the news?’ She stopped mid sentence.
I had to do it a few
more times but she eventually stopped. Now and again she start up again. And I’d interrupt her or put the kettle on. I had to train her !

Whitesrummer · 05/01/2026 11:01

That is a very polite and normal thing to say, particularly for an older person as it was traditional for the bride’s parents to pay for a wedding. I really wouldn’t read anything into that. It doesn’t follow that your grandma-in-law thinks your mother took over too much.

midsomermurderer · 05/01/2026 11:04

I've put all of the information about my mother into chat-gpt it really helps me understand what I saw as in illogical person. When I looked at her behaviour through a different lens it really helped.

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