ADHD?

[hanste123]

Hello

i was wondering what your thoughts are on this? I'm not sure if my daughter has ADHD, or just a 'normal' chaotic kid. I would 100% think that she does have ADHD, but she seems a perfect child at school. I get that she might be masking. I also think her dad has hyper ADHD. I think he has managed it his whole life by playing every sport he can. And now we have kids, he has less time to manage it. He drives me utterly up the wall with his noise. He is loud in general, but sometimes it's just noises and saying things for no real reason, and at a volume where no one else can hear each other. When he gets into these hyper moments, I will talk to him and I can see him realise I am talking but I can also see that it doesn't penetrate his brain. Like there is a block to him processing my words. Plus he likes to start tasks and not finish them, and he is so messy. Literally always taking things out and never puts anything away. Relies on reminders for organisation. And is always late. I call it 'time optimistic'. He's also brilliant. He can do anything, and think outside the box. He's the best person in a crisis. He's literally my hero and torture.
i say this because ADHD is genetic. I also have a very 'neuro-spicy' family. He doesn't believe either he or daughter have ADHD.

my eldest daughter (8) has always been deep in her thoughts, to the point of forgetting to do stuff, especially eat or get ready in the mornings. I feel like her puppeteer, that she literally will do nothing she is supposed to do unless I tell her, nag her and oversee her. And then check back on her and repeat the process . Literally for every item of clothing. It delays me in what I need to do, and takes time from my other children who get ready like a dream. She also has hyper episodes, much like her father (maybe genetics, maybe learnt). Loves to fiddle and fidget. Does repeatitive loud screeches. Her room is an utter mess, no matter how often I tidy it. She looses everything the moment she touches it (and blames me). She (and her father) like to annoy people on purpose for their amusement, I've read that ADHD people do that for an adrenaline/dopamine hit. But She's also brilliantly creative and clever. Maybe she just needs the mental stimulation. But she takes an hour to not-eat her dinner, and overseeing her to this level just seems too much and not possible. I also feel like it's getting worse. She comes across as lazy, but jn reality she's just distracted or not interested. I'm trying to support her in a way where I can also live and survive in my life/work/support other family members. But I don't really know how to support her to be independent. I have tried talking to her, and building it into routine, 'body doubling'. School describes her in a way that I do not see her. Organised, neat, a great friend, hard working. Which I am so happy and relieved to hear. Is this maybe just a 'me' problem? If she's just like it with me? I feel like she does need support to be able to do the basics in life's such as get ready and eat in a timely manner (she's so skinny), and some organisation skills. I'm stressed out and exhausted in this. It doesn't feel 'normal' and I know I need ways to help her learn these basic skills because I feel like she will always struggle with this. Feeling the pressure to get it right for her now she is young and while I can help her.

help!

She also was never interested in me when she was a baby. She loved her daddy, but I was just the body attached to the milk. She was so focused on 'doing', was walking by 9 months and climbing everything. Very active but never really gave me eye contact, cuddles or affection as a baby. It wasn't until she was about 7 months when we stayed with my parents and I was able to get a bit of space from her, that she then realised she liked me. Most of my family are autistic, so I didn't really think all that much of it until by second child was born, who gave me eye contact, smiled, cuddles and wanted my attention.

the possible ADHD child is also very emotional, and easily overwhelmed by small tasks, such as deciding what to wear. Even though she always wears the same thing because she cannot cope with the 'feel' of most of her clothes. She won't wear anything under a jumper, she hates layers. Has to fit perfectly. Won't wear sequins and she doesn't like the feel of the underside of that next to her skin. Won't wear frills, doesn't like the feel.

Certainly sound like ADHD traits in both your DH and DD, but they seem to be high functioning. Without bothering to get them tested, not to mention their consent, there are are loads of systems to put in place to make your life easier. It sounds like it's driving you crazier than it is for them - perhaps suggest some routines, visuals, dinner timers etc?

I have ADHD (combined type). My husband is on the waiting list for an assessment. We both believe at least one of our children also has ADHD who also happens to be the oldest girl. Sounds very like yours. It's obviously very difficult to say with limited information over the internet but I would agree with you purely based on how you describe them although I would say to me it sounds like combined ADHD for him not just hyperactive.

If he is in denial or possibly just isn't familiar with ADHD and how it can present especially in girls (a lot of people hear ADHD and immediately think of bouncing off the walls, overly boisterous, naughty little boys), I would suggest a gentle approach with showing him some websites which describe it in straight forward terms. You say you have experience through family so is there anyone who would be able to help or that he would feel comfortable speaking to about it?

Not sure I think a lot of 8 year olds are as described!

Recognise all that you are saying, my child was diagnosed Adhd as a young adult, we did not realise it at the time, so I praise you for picking up on it, if you have concerns, start the diagnosis process now x

If school don’t see anything then you will struggle to get through an assessment with a diagnosis. However, neurodivergence is often genetic so that family link makes it more likely for her.

Sounds very much like it op. I think you know already.

Sounds like my son, except he's nearly 11 and autistic. Sensory issues we too, barreling about the place, always fidgety. Still needs help dressing, eating, cleaning himself, sleeping..Masks at school. They've listened to me and he now has interventions to support him understanding everyone else, and with his anxieties. They're trying to help him unmask and he's on the send register, the teacher barely sees it but he is starting to do some of the drinking and fidgeting at school as he's getting more comfortable there. He's a good boy, follows the tiles.. because autism...and very clever. So has gone under the radar.

I'm going for assessment for him through right to choose and myself for AuDHD. Partly because I don't feel like I fit in either category but I have do many symptoms from each.

I think just try to treat her as if she is, use whatever accomodations you need to, speak to school to get some support and just explain to your DH that you're going to drown if he doesn't try to buy into it. But be aware that ADHD makes it very difficult to stick to new routines! So it might take trying a few things. Maybe if she is diagnosed then he might start to realise his traits? That's what happened for me.

Have you stolen my DD, Op?

DD's (I'll call it) behaviour has really ramped up since Y3. Doesn't present at school as at home. School she is quiet. Home she is loud, screams and shouts. Huge meltdowns over the tiniest thing. Constantly twirling, jumping, hanging, running, climbing. Also hurts herself a lot - really accident-prone. Cannot concentrate for more than a second... But then there is the hyper focus when she's interested in something. Compulsive, borderline obsessive about some subjects/people.
We rarely get to school on time, despite being up by 7 AM at the latest, and I'm a frazzled ball of stress and anxiety trying to make it to work on time.

Her dad is similar. Loud, forever winding people up. Losing stuff all the time. Absolute tornado of chaos and destruction. He is loving and generous too, so I let him off most times.

She's been on the list for assessment since reception. Hopefully we're nearing hitting the top of said list.

I love your description; puppeteer.

In short, I feel you. And yes, in my opinion, worth exploring possible ADHD.

I've got ADHD and couldn't manage to read all three posts. 🤣 The critical factor for the NHS to consider it a 'disorder' is if it has significant negative impact in two areas of their life (school/home/work/etc).

I think this should be your focus. Not just 'symptoms' although I appreciate you mentioned them for context. How is it holding them back?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply! I have a big hurdle in that husband is not interested in 'labels' and thinks it is very negative. We've had some big arguments on this. I personally find that perspective very insulting because I have lived the lives of my family members who have struggled with being autistic all their lives and getting the help they need. I have thought that daughter has ADHD for a few years, but said I'd wait (against my better judgement) to see how it manifests as she gets older and needs to rely on herself more. But I really don't see my husband getting on board with this. Maybe because he is in such denial about himself. So I need to find ways to support her without going down the treatment route. Which has been routine and rewards. But my husband isn't very good at following routines.... urgh!

I also went to a talk recently re ADHD and spoke with the speakers at the end. They basically said that we all have traits and that they need to be severe enough to cause a challenge in order to get a diagnosis. I really think she is thriving at school, a perfect pupil. It's just at home, and only myself and husband struggle with it (and impacts other children). But I feel bad that she is getting told off by husband for behaviour that she might not be able to help. You would think he'd be more understanding as she is a mini him!

how do people with partners and children with ADHD cope?! I am so burnt out and overwhelmed.

So today I tried a different route (albeit one that I have tried for years). I decided to see if his promises of 'tomorrow will be better' would indeed be the case. He said not to wake him or to 'nag'. So, I let husband have a lie in to catch up on sleep, but had to wake him at about 7:20 (we leave at 7:45). I then left him and did everything to get the girls ready and sort the dogs etc. I finally caved and asked him if he was going to get out of bed at 8 minutes until time to go. He then snapped at me for nagging him!!! I asked him once! And reasonably! The girls were ready and waiting for him by the time he scrolled out of the house, 10 minutes late.

normally I'd tell him how pissed off I am via text and phone calls, but now I'm giving him the silent treatment. This usually works better because it allows him to worry what I am feeling (as opposed to being angry due to an argument).

I am livid. To not make an effort, to not apologise, and then to tell me I'm nagging. What is he teaching me? To cope without him, and actually it's better? What does he actually bring to my life? Yes somewhere inside me I love him, but I don't feel any of that now, because how can I feel anything nice towards him when he just treats me so badly. When he just lets me down and disappoints me. What use is love when that person isn't a partner but a problem and a burden and a source of most of my misery. Love isn't everything. How can he knowingly let me down, and shout at me for nagging? It's like he's shutting me down by snapping at me like that. Warnjng me that if I say another word about it, there will be a big argument. WTF? It's controlling, right? In any case, I am drained, I didn't want another big argument, at least not in front of the kids. But it will come. So tired of it.

disclaimer - he was up late, drinking I'm guessing, which is what he has been doing to deal with the pain. Apparently he tried to call the dr yesterday and couldn't get through. I don't give a shit though. Deal with it, and at least be nice and/or apologetic when you're letting your family down.