AIBU to ask you to help me create an amazing life for myself?

[Lycheeloverr]

I want to try something new as I’m definitely in a rut and feel a bit down and want to live a more exciting and fulfilling life. Can you design one for me?

I’ll tell you a bit about myself. I’m 36 years old, I live in London, own my own flat and have a dog. Single and no family or extended family. I am very close to my ex boyfriend who I’ve known since I was 15 so understands a lot about my life and is my real source of emotional support but that’s it really. Have a small handful of friends. Don’t have many hobbies. Two stone overweight. Spend most evenings doomscrolling.

what can I do to enjoy a better life?

This is an exciting thread, I love it!

Some great ideas @Lycheeloverr . FWIW I have probably got the most out of the courses I’ve done- friends and productive hobbies that bring me joy. One was in a creative area and the other in philosophy. If you can’t think of anything, look back at hobbies and interests you had as a child or teen, or things you used to think you’d do ‘one day’. Learn to make your own clothes? Do a nail art course? Learn book binding or floristry? Learn to dj?

Other things that have helped me to feel stable and secure enough to make other changes have been creating a sanctuary within the walls of my home, a space I love to come back to. Allowing myself to do what I want at home while being disciplined enough to keep it clean and tidy, which keeps it pleasant to be in.

Also in your local area maybe there are interesting groups- art collective, samba band, poetry night at a local pub or cafe, folk night, comedy club, philosophy discussion, political party, salsa? Social media can be useful to find this sort of thing (if little else)- it can also offer inspiration, like Lucy and Yak once featured a woman who’d switched careers to be a florist in her late forties and I thought that was awesome, nearly reconsidered my own career but I’ve recently switched so I thought I should stick to that!!

please keep us updated, I would love to know what you decide to do!

Some good advice shared. I'd echo reading and pilates. Perhaps you might consider structuring your evenings to replace doom scrolling (I'm also guilty) e.g. mon - phone free walk, Tues - cook new healthy meal, Wed - new hobby. I would deffo recommend prioritising early night sleeps.

In your shoes, I’d shake things up much more comprehensively by moving overseas for a while (or potentially indefinitely, if I liked it and it were possible) — London isn’t going to go away, and you’re single and footloose and fancy-free. You don’t mention a career. What do you do, and is there any potential to move abroad with work? Or, alternatively, to take a career break and do something entirely different? If you rented out your London flat, could you find a period of travel? Nothing like a new culture, language, climate, landscape, people to shake you out of a rut. And it will get you away from your ex, who is keeping you in your rut.

But I’d book myself a solo holiday somewhere you’ve never been, and while away, think more seriously about what I wanted my life to be like. If you imagine an ideal life, what would it look like for you? Do you want to continue to live in London? If not, where? Do you want to stay in your current work field? If not, what would you like to do instead? Do you want to stay single or would you like a relationship? Would you like to have a child?

You’re young and have few ties that hinder you from reinventing yourself completely, if that’s what you want.

I was in your position two years ago and one of the things a friend asked me was, “what would you do if you woke up tomorrow two stone lighter?” And I realised that the two extra stone weren’t really holding me back. I didn’t want to be a model or run marathons.

I ended up giving myself a budget and booking one lovely thing a month. Theatre, gigs, poetry nights, art shows etc. some things I knew I’d probably love, some things completely new. I did most of these things on my own, because I realised I’d stopped myself doing stuff because I had no one to go with.

I also started having at least a half hour walk every day. All weathers, just getting out there. Put music or a podcast in my ears and walked.

I reconnected with people. I’d been hiding away because I thought I was boring. So I asked friends to meet for coffee, or to join me on my walks.

I know none of this is mind blowing, but it’s worked for me. I have a very boring job that pays NMW. But it also funds my life. And I like my life now!

As an aside, I’ve lost the two stone without even trying. Just focussed on joy, made time for it and my weight took care of itself.

Good luck, OP! This is a fun project and I hope you look back at this thread in a year’s time and feel great about yourself.

Do You work? It sounds like you feel like you are on a treadmill which is not unusual. I suggest you make small changes initially rather than giving up your job, moving hundreds of miles away or ditching your boyfriend although it sounds like it is an unequal relationship. Work on your own self worth initially. Take up a hobby, resolve to exercise more and stick to a healthy diet and rely less on your boyfriend for emotional support. You know the old saying, you cannot love another until you learn to love yourself. Work on your confidence, mental health and resilience.

There are so many meetup groups in London. Have a look. There are walking/hiking ones, socialising ones, culture vulture types and so many more. You could be doing something every weekend.
Join a couple of exercise classes weekday evenings.
Read, watch tv or do a course instead of doomscrolling all evening. So many courses you could do for free or low cost. Look at Open University, Coursera and Futurelearn.

You can't find someone to be your person when your ex is taking that emotional space.

Enmeshment isn't very healthy so maybe that's where you start. Clear out the fog of enmeshment and open yourself to new relationships, and not just romantic.

Find a reliable pet sitter. Get your dog some advanced training where you meet other dog owners.

Try something different every day. A different walk, a different type of activity or exercise, cook and eat a new dish, see a movie you've wanted to see but never got around to seeing.