Burnt out and perimenopause or just a grumpy, resentful, horrible woman.

[LonelySeahorses]

I was thrilled when GP agreed to give HRT 2 years ago. I'm mid 40's and just felt so angry all the time, night sweats keeping me up, and no patience.
It's beem jiggled a bit and Im now on progesterone 3 weeks on, 1 week off plus the pill, plus oestrogen gel, 3 pumps a day.
The thing is im thinking this is now just me. I dont think its hormones..ive just drifted into being a frustrated, tearful woman who wants to scream "leave me the f alone!" At the top of my lungs.

I exercise, I look after my children, i volunteer and I work. Im massively lonely yet im too tired to socialise. I love nature and my pets but don't know how to bring back any joy that lasts more than a few seconds. I try to think how fortunate i am. I dont have a lot, but i have safe housing etc but this makes me feel guiltier for feeling so flat.

This evening my teen was really rude when i collected her from school. Its not unusual...she is hungry, school is loud etx and she likes time on her own. Id driven there to colelxt her so she didnt need to get the bus. She picked a fight with her brother who was in car by me, stormed into rhe house, refused the big salad she asked for this morning then started about her dad's house being better than here. I didn't react. I calmly sorted dinner and ignored all the door slamming. I know its diffixukt at her age and she saw her dad last night..this usually affects her and she can be angry, cold and snarly with me for days after. I understand she is processing things...but he also lies about me and says silly things. Spme of things she said this eve clearly came from him. The wording wasnt really her.
Ive had 6 years of this and Im exhausted by it.

My children's health and wellbeing are usually my focus but this triggered something off for me and im distraught.
Her dad was a difficult man, never wanted to work or pull his weight, lived for his days off, where he would sit on sofa, once divorces he has bragged to the kids about finding himself a rich girlfriend and dreamed about retiring early...he got us in debt, drank a lot, messed around online and at work with other women but somehow now has the rich girlfriend who is paying for his retirement...and im left to it. He got himself back in debt, quite a bit, and managed to lie to the kids it was debt from our marriage but it absolutely isnt. This is a lie. We had a clean break and there was no debt when we divorced.

I look back and I think he still gets everything he wants, mostly off the back of me supporting him through career change, then working full time when i was desperate to be home with the kids as babies.. i gave him all the best of my life. We do dont we? OfTEn at expense of own wishes, dreams etx.( Im sure there are men that do too)

The last few months, my anger and frustration has been awful. I cry in the shower, decided I hate work, I've pulled a way from a lot of friends and just feel an overwhelming sense of frustration in most situations.. It's worse than it was before. I don't seem to be able to express myself and i FEEL that im surrounded by selfish people who tantrum to get what they want. Friends with kind husbands, that grumble about them!! That makes my blood boil as id love to know what a kind, stoical sort of boring husband mihht be like, even if he leaves his socks around and burps!
I have always accepted bare minimum and this is what im left with. Im angry with myself for being pathetic but can't work out how to change it.

I don't want to suddenly be this horrible resentful martyr victim type person but it's bursting out of me. I feel terribly ashamed about this as well.

Id always been so full of hope....but now I understand the "look" that i always noticed on middle aged ladies faces (that I noticed when in my 20's.) Its a look of being mentally beaten... Need to give myself a shake but the cloud just won't budge.

I honestly felt earlier like telling my kdis to move to their dad's. He constantly pokes about it, snipes about money, wont hqve them when needed and is just a difficult man.
He tells me he wont be paying child maintenance anymore yet pokes at the kids about money, takes them away to hotels on the occassions he has them and turns into super dad when his girlfriend is there. Both kids had new phones and 40quid phone contracts for instance whixh isnt sonething i would have afforded for them all. They would be on a cheaper plan. He often holds this over the older teens saying he isnt paying it anymore and to ask me, their mother.
I couldnt possibly pay 120 a month for the kids phones and the contracts run for another 2 years...

However, this eve i almost thought about suggesting the kids move to his. Im so fed up being walked all over. He isnt capable i dont think, but my kdis seem to think he is, and maybe, just maybe they would be better over there. Maybe its all in my head and maybe he would be better at all of this than I am. Im so tired!

I dont think Hrt will fix this. Im not sure what Im asking but I need to sort this out. Does anyone understand?

You divorced how many years ago?

This all seems very very raw to you OP

I don’t have the answer OP but I would like to give you a massive hug. And a glass of wine.

I can completely understand your feelings, this stage of life and teenagers in particular are hard enough without doing it solo with an unhelpful ex.

This isn't hrt. This is life grinding you down. Huge hugs.

It's not you 'you'. It's you right now because as you say yourself, you are burnt out with seemingly no change in sight and your hormones are draining you. I don't have a solution. I can only hope things improve for you and you come out the other side. If you have AppleTV, I'd recommend you watch Plur1bus. The lead character was 100% written with mid to late 40s perimenopausal women in mind! You might find it entertaining :)

Dear OP, your ex sounds like a right sod and it obviously gets to you. Is the divorce recent? Plus peri which can make you feel so desolate and down sometimes! Remember life is worth living and this phase is temporary. Push yourself to call a friend, get lots of rest, look after yourself!!!

Just want to give you a big, unMumsnetty hug. You are dealing with a lot. As pp has said, I don’t think it’s specifically menopause-related. I’m no expert, but it sounds as if your situation is making you feel depressed - because it’s not a good situation to be in! Plus it’s not one you can just extricate yourself from. I think you’ve answered your own question about DCs moving in with XH. When I was in a similarly difficult life stage that I couldn’t just leave, my GP referred me for counselling, which I found incredibly helpful. After just 6 sessions I had coping strategies & could see the wood for the trees.
I wouldn’t waste any time & energy being bitter about the past & I’m sure XH will eventually reap what he sows.

Oh OP. You poor love

you sound at the very least depressed. I actually agree with you about this being par for the course in beaten down middle age.

definitely thinking of you and sending good wishes

This sounds so hard OP, I think you would benefit from some therapy - a gift to yourself to have the time and space to explore these feelings and work towards a more positive you . In the meantime , be kind to yourself. Your DD sounds unpleasant and you are lovely for the understanding that you show her but there is jo excuse for poor behaviour from her and you should not have to just put up with it .

Divorce all sorted 6 years ago.
I instigated it and don't regret the decision as he was and still is, a horrible human. He continues to punish me for it (no one else involved or anything like that) but i was adamant kids and I couldnt put up with his behaviour.
I've tried to be myself but everything I do provokes a reaction from him. He lies, he twists things, does this sort of childish pouty thing and the women around him seem to want to mollycoddle him. I did too for maybe 15 years before i saw this was just his way of manipluating. He never wanted to work, made up weird lies about his past...he even tells the new partner that he has building skills and honestly she is taken in by it...i can guarantee that when they come to "renovate" he will develop and allergy to plaster or some sort of broken bone that stops him working (we had broken ribs from coughing several times that apaprently didnt need medical checks but it did prevent him getting up at night for 6 months when our son was ill in hosp...and another time he blamed a hormone spray he bought on the internet for another woman apparently instigating an affair with him.
Think of something ridiculous...and I can almost guarantee he will have a charming yet ridiculous response but everyone falls for it.
Its actually embarrassing.
I can't remember the last time I didnt have a sore throat or a bug of some sort. I know no one else can sort my head and heart out but sharing has helped.

Honestly I would tell them to go live at his then in a bored voice! Call their bluff. Teenagers can be really really hard. This age can be really really hard. Can you let them all get on with it and get some peace and quiet to yourself!

I think, let the kids go and stay with their dad. And get yourself on some antidepressants. They’ll soon see the grass isn’t greener on the other side and hopefully in the meanwhile you can get a break. I think you should also find a hobby or something to do that’s just for you. I think things will get easier in time but it all sounds a lot just now.

Sounds like you have way too much insight into his current life. You need to step right away and just not engage. Use a messaging app if you have to contact but make it very functional/formal. Don't speak about him with the dc.

Have you had basic vitamin and iron level checks?

It sounds to me like you have never had an outlet for letting off steam in life, as if you bottle it all up and just get on. You need someone you can have a massive moan with or at who will listen and understand, and not minimise or deflect or shut you up.

Have you ever had therapy or counselling? It could be good to focus on how to deal with that feeling that selfish noisy people get what they want and people who quietly cope and do right by others pick up the slack.

I also think it sounds like you really need to put yourself first for a while. I'd start by having a calm, frank chat with your daughter. I'd be clear about any lies your ex comes up with. And I'd tell her that you can't and shouldn't have to cope with her rude and dismissive behaviour.

When I got to feeling like you I just downed tools and did the absolute minimum. I think you have the right to explain you have run dry and need to recharge. They can pull their weight and be nice to you. And you can try to simplify what you do for others, and, without guilt, claw back some time for yourself.

Gp checked bloods inc B12 about 6 weeks ago and said all was ok.
We don't speak very much. It's just what I see or what the kids say.
I absolutely don't talk to the kids about him. I'm usually very controlled.
I think just being ill all the time and seeing him just thrive and waft about is difficult. I must say this is still better than living with him though😆
Ill go back to the GP i think.

This gave me a giggle. You're right. Maybe i should.

Thank you.
He makes everything difficult, about him or for his own benefit
And he gets away with it. Constantly😔
Im so tired.