Ex choosing to spend Christmas Day with the children

[Blackcat7725]

My ex of 7 months isn’t willing to come for Christmas Day as he’d previously said he would. He’s saying no as it’s not appropriate but I rather feel it has to do with his girlfriend of 6 months who he has unbelievable bought a house with. He had said he’d only pop in with some presents but our children would really like him to come for the day. We have always been mostly amicable. I feel he is choosing the new girlfriend over his children. Am I being unreasonable?

I don’t blame him, who wants to spend Christmas Day with an ex? Time to start alternating or splitting the day.

There was a similar thread recently (not started by me), but having read the responses and experiences there, I came to the conclusion that it's better to move on after a break-up rather than continuing these things, however weird and difficult it is initially.

He might turn out to be a crap Dad, he might not. But they should probably have Christmas with you and second Christmas with him on another day.

You are not together. He shouldn't be spending Xmas with you. You alternate the kids.

And I suspect he's been with his gf longer than six months...

Don't push him to spend the day with you, there's no need for it and it sets a weird precedent.

I 'm sorry but I think your ex is right.

Your relationship is over as a couple and he has moved on with his life.

Spending the day together as if you are still a family unit ultimately just confuses the situation for the children.

Saying he will come over with presents for them seems a reasonable thing for him to do.

I think it would be nice if he did more than ‘pop in’ but expecting him to spend the whole day with his ex is unreasonable. Is he having his kids on any other day over Xmas?

It’s weird and inappropriate to be still acting like a nuclear family when he’s in another relationship. I wouldn’t like it either to be honest, nor would I want to spend an entire festive holiday with my ex when I’m in love with someone else.

Strange request on your behalf to be honest, just split the day or do as he’s suggested and he’ll come to see them for a while then go.

Yanbu to want him to do what he agreed to do, but he's shown what kind of man he is, so don't expect any honour or for him to put his kids first.

Your best get is to pretend he's dead and to plan accordingly - don't rely on him for help or support - it likely won't be forthcoming.

Get your child support payments locked down and don't trust that he will be fair - at this point you have to remember that he's not your friend, he doesn't have your back. Get everything sorted legally.

He's not choosing her over the children, he's setting appropriate boundries.

Could you split the day so one of you gets morning until mid afternoon and the other gets mid afternoon until boxing day?

I don’t consider it spending Christmas with your ex, it’s spending Christmas with your kids. But some questions if you don’t mind, how old are the kids? Have the children met new partner? How do they feel about them? Would you and kids feel comfortable inviting them too for a bit? If they’ve bought a house together it doesn’t seem like a flash in the pan x

@HopingForTheBest25 Jesus that’s harsh! I couldn’t imagine anything worse than spending Christmas with my ex to be honest, and that doesn’t make me “dead” to my children!

This is mumsnet. You can’t expect rational responses when it comes to step-parents and divorce, unfortunately.

I wouldn’t spend Christmas Day with my ex and we get on well. Kids are in their routine of alternating Christmas Day and we’ve never confused them at Christmas by pretending we’re together or playing happy families.
I agree with your ex, although he should be willing to have them at some point over Christmas and celebrate properly with them. Even if that’s with his new partner, which you have no say in.

It's not spending time with hus ex, he would be there with his children.
There is nothing that can be done.

Why can’t he have the kids half and half on the day ? Or have them overnight Xmas eve bring them home on the afternoon or vice versa ? Do you think it’s more about you getting to spend the day with him too ? I would get it if he was the one to leave the relationship

It's early days for you, but you you need to understand that your relationship is over and then get into a proper routine with the kids. It isn't appropriate for you to try and play happy families over Christmas any more. You need to discuss how things will work going forward. Personally I wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day with my ex and neither would most people. Especially as he now has a new partner. And I suspect the gf has been around for a lot longer than 6 months I'm afraid to say.

He literally left the OP 7 months ago and has a gf of 6 months (anyone buying that there was no overlap?) that he's just bought a house with. He's said he will spend the day with the kids but is now backing out. I don't think I'm harsh to say he can't be trusted or relied upon and the best thing the OP could do is to take him totally out of the equation when it comes to her future life plans.
I didn't actually say he should be dead to the kids, but I'd bet good money that now he's got a shiny new gf, they won't be his priority!

If this was years down the line, I'd agree that separate Christmases was the way to go, but in the first year, good parents try to break their kids in gently to the new normal.

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed he's changed the plan

Spending Christmas together was never going to make sense...
Start as you're meant to go on, explain it to the kids, and arrange with him to have them another day. And start having the conversation with him about taking turns year on year off (partly during the day, or different days each).

I understand the upset.
But time to make Christmas as you want it to be. Boundaries need to be set. New traditions with the kids.
And prepare for him to want next Christmas with the kids at his house. Not saying this is wrong but it is time to get your head around the new normal.