How to your make and run a home?

[helpmakingahome]

I've named changed for this as I'm embarrassed.

I left home at 18 after my mum died. I lived in uni accomodation, then rented accommodation until I was finally able to buy a house with my husband at 40. The problem is I don't know how to make a home. I can't remember what having an actual home was like, it's been over 20 years.

We lived under a threat of rents being increased too much and had 3 landlords selling the house from under us so never really felt we could invest in furniture or anything long term because it might not fit the next house. I think we still have that mindset in this house, we're still making do and have a lot of Oxfam and IKEA bits. Even something like putting up pictures isn't easy because we were never allowed to do it before. It's almost like there's an anxiety around it.

I feel an absolute failure that at my age my kids are living in what feels like a rented house even though it ours. Not that that's anything wrong with living in a rented house, we did when our first was born and to be honest some of the places we've rented have been way nicer and better decorated than where we are now. We've gotten lucky and worked really hard to make the change to ownership for some stability but it doesn't seem to have filtered down to how we are actually living if that makes sense?

We've painted some rooms but still haven't replaced the all the horrible blinds that came with the house or bought new curtains. We can't afford to do anything big like redo the bathroom or kitchen so it still feels like we're doing renter friendly stuff.

How do you start to make a house feel like a home? Even something silly like how are you meant to store Christmas decorations? As an example, our tumble drier is in the downstairs loo and we have to open windows and doors to plug in an extension cord and put the vent out to use it! It's ridiculous but I honestly don't know where to start. I just want to feel like an actual grown up with an actual adult house.

I said yanbu in that it's OK you're finding this difficult.

My practical advice would be to start with either one room, or one task at a time. I.e. make your living room nice, or, tackle all the blinds at once. Then you only have to get your head around one thing at a time and can hopefully avoid the paralysis of overwhelm. If you do one room at a time, break that down into further stages as well.

Hopefully you'll get a bit more confidence with each thing you complete.

I'd also say, think of homes you have visited that feel good to you, and try and identify why, and see what you can learn from others. Also look online or at magazines for inspiration. The home I grew up in left lots to be desired so I always drink up learning from those I think do these things well.

Quick fixes can be nice textiles (blankets, cushions, duvet covers), a couple of really nice pieces of furniture (second hand for more character). Go to an illustration fair and have each family member pick a piece (stick to standard a4 /a3/a2 sizes if you want to make framing easy). No more than 2 Ikea pieces in adult spaces, was a good tip I came across.

And finally, give yourself time and try and enjoy the process. My DH had a hard time when we first bought our homes- also early 40s. He felt he'd never really had a solid home, and so it brought up lots of stuff for him. It was confusing for me at first as I was ready to crack on, but I think he needed some time to be with those feelings before he could enjoy the house and making it ours.

Good luck :)

Firstly it doesn't happen overnight. My first house we barely touched, second house took 3 years before I could decide how to decorate, current house will be lucky to feel "finished" this decade.

Any house will feel more like home as you collect things that you enjoy having in your home. For me, I find a room doesn't feel put together until there's art on the walls and decorative pieces on shelves and side tables. Those are finishing touches though, and whilst you can collect some bits before you've done bigger work, they won't necessarily fix the bigger bit of making a home. That bigger bit is making the house functional for you. The main one being storage, the second one flow. Do not under estimate good storage solutions that just get things out the way and make spaces less cluttered and more enjoyable to be in.

The second one is flow. There's no point having more rooms and bedrooms than you need if the space doesn't work for you. That goes for where you store, prep and cook food - does it flow for that activity? Is there a good "triangle" (Fridge, cooker, sink), is you food storage close to where you need it? Similarly, if you work from home, where do you work from? Is it setting you up for focus, or distraction? If you have a hobby, where do you do it? Is that accessible, do you enjoy doing it there?
I'll give you an example, I used to use a spare room as a "craft room/studio" but I barely spent time in there because I'd be tucked away from my family for long periods of time. So I kept it to store all my materials, and had some specialist equipment up there, but moved my easel downstairs to paint in the living room whilst my partner gamed.
Another example is I used a small room for a study, all previous owners used it for storage. I thought it would be perfect, similar size to my old study, tucked away and the room's only use so I'd never need to be disrupted or have ugly monitors and functional furniture in a guest room. Turns out it was gloomy, cold and uninspiring. So now I work from our main guest room. Much nicer environment and I feel more comfortable/at home.

A bonus one, community, if you don't feel connected to you house and a community that the house supports, it can feel disconnected and inconvenient. I say this as it doesn't mean your neighbours or local community, though that's a bonus as its on the doorstep. It could mean that you have a gym that you can go to before work, and easy commute to work that means you have time/energy to see a friend group in the city, or another town, or host family for the weekend.

I hope that helps

Well done on getting your own home OP and I hope you and your family will be very happy there.

I've moved house a lot and here are the things I always do to make the place feel like mine.

I do one room at a time. It's too intimidating to do the whole house. I start with 'What do I want to do in this room and how do I want it to feel.
Say it's the living room and I want it cosy I paint it a cosy colour, put up blinds or curtains, buy a rug from Ikea and put up some photos (you can get rugs, lamps, lampshades, picture frames, vases really cheaply from Charity shops, Marketplace and shops like Home Bargains). Put in things you love - plants, lego, candles....you favourite things.

Think of practicalities. Like you say, Christmas decorations. Will you store them in the loft or under a bed. Where will the vacuum go.

I make stuff work and then add in layers of homely touches.

The main thing is to do it at your own pace, add layers, have fun in the house with your family and friends. It soon starts to feel like yours and that feeling builds over the years.

Also, there is a YouTube video for everything now. I bet you'd even find how to store Xmas decorations (definitely picture hanging).
In a way it could be handy that your other half is a bit lost too. It's a journey you can go on together.

A normal family home isn't perfect though! Real life just isn't like that!

It's perfectly normal to have some dodgier bits of decor you haven't had time or money to sort. It took us ten years to afford to replace our horrible kitchen, and another five to do the bathroom. I think you're doing fine and have nothing to be ashamed of!

In terms of making a slightly grotty house homely, I love a throw, a standing lamp and a few plants.

I’ve recently realised that I find that houses feel more “done” if there’s decoration on the walls/ interesting lights/ things on shelves higher up in the room.

Generally, the essentials are on the floor (e.g bed, sofa, drawers, etc) so adding some height feels like it’s beyond the essentials.

Could you get a tall bookshelf for your living room? Remember to attach it to the wall, so that it doesn’t tip. If you’ve not got enough books to fill it, stand some photo frames on some shelves.

Ikea is absolutely fine, but second hand is great. Keep an eye out for real wood second hand furniture. We got a second half wooden coffee table for £5, sanded it and re-stained it and it’s our best quality piece of furniture.

@StompythedinosaurI also agree about plants and a lamp. My house would look like a greenhouse if we didn’t deliberately limit ourselves.

For plants, make sure you check the label to see where they are happiest - do they need to be by a sunny window, or is north facing ok? Will they be happy near a radiator, or do they need somewhere cooler?

Keep an eye on Facebook market place and any local charity shops that do furniture. We've picked up some gems, and they are mixed in with Ikea stuff.

Pick a thing that's bothering you - not enough hooks for the coats, the blinds are rubbish and the streetlight is glaring in, its not bright enough to read. And figure out the solution - find a nice lamp, put up more hooks, look at curtains and find some you like. Then you keep working through one at a time.

My Christmas decorations are just in a big plastic box in the loft, it doesn't have to be a fancy solution!

One room at a time is great advice.

For me matching furniture feels "proper", especially in a bedroom. We had a haphazard collection to start with but it wasn't until several years down the line when I bought a whole set of furniture at once that it felt like we had a "grown up" bedroom

I like a colour scheme for a room too. Eg the covers on the bed in the spare room are blue. So the light shade and decorative bits are also blue (neutral walls/carpet)

Cut yourself a lot of slack, OP. There are very valid reasons why you’re finding it difficult to relax into having your own home and making it homelike. And it’s not an overnight thing for anyone. We’ve lived in this house since late 2020 and it’s still very much taking shape. Don’t panic about it. Relax into it a bit. You’ve had good advice here. Choose a room, or one thing to do throughout, like blinds or curtains. Poke around secondhand shops and auctions for inexpensive furniture and art. A pp’s point about ‘flow’ is absolutely key. Get that right so that your home is working for the way you use it. Then you can get more frivolous with colour etc.

Do you have an attic to store Christmas decorations in? Could you eventually replace your tumble drier with an unvented one?

I would second putting pictures up. We once sold a house and went into a rented flat between selling and buying the next one ( I realise this isn't your situation , in fact t'other way about" but bear with me ) . It felt very "not ours" . So I hung some pictures - used current picture hooks but pictures were ours.
If the house is yours - the general rule is you hang pictures at eye level height. How this works when you have me (short) DH (medium) and DS ( tall) - IME well just hold them up and see what looks OK. So I would do that as a quick win.

I would say as long as bathroom and kitchen are clean and have your stuff in them - put them on the back burner if too expensive to replace. Maybe some hooks or shelves in the short term.

Then I would as others have said - pick a room and make it cosy. I love table lamps for this so if you don't have side tables - see what you can buy cheaply and buy some lamps with nice shades. There is nothing wrong with IKEA or charity / 2nd hand shop furniture if you can't afford more.

I think @persisted amongst others have made good suggestions.

One more and this is not everyone's cup of tea , but coming up to Christmas a scented candle may be nice - I alway think a chosen scent makes somewhere feel like yours , and if you are intending to get a tree - that and some decorations will help over the Christmas time.

I wish you well. Don't worry @helpmakingahome - unless it is some makeover thing , most "homes" evolve over time. Write a priority list of things which annoy you , cost them and that's what you can do over time

I wish you all the very best. Do post back when it feels more "yours". I'll bet it will. 💐

Why are you embarrassed OP?

Is your husband embarrassed too?

What was his upbringing like?

I used to look at decorating books for ideas, or you can look on Pinterest or get decor magazines. Make a note of what you like, things that recur, colours that appeal to you, styles and themes, and what would be practical in terms of your lifestyle- children, dogs, hobbies. Think about what you need to store and how you want to do that. You mentioned Christmas decorations, the obvious place to store is in a clearly labelled box in the loft, but maybe you’ve got a utility room or a spare cupboard or a watertight garden shed.
You can paint walls easily- this might rejuvenate a tired bathroom.
But mainly, work out what you actually like before committing time and money to make changes.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, there is some great advice here. It's also very reassuring to hear others are still getting their home together. I really like the idea of a max of 2 IKEA pieces in any room, that's something to aim for @Poodleville

Having thought about it, I think it may be something bigger than just decorating. I was comparing myself to friends who were married and homeowners before the age of 30. They're all on their second or third homes now and have teenage kids so they have what I think of as big, proper grown up homes with beautiful furniture and well put together. I spent my 20s recovering from my mum dying young and just as I was on my feet I was made redundant in the recession and my dad died and knocked me off my feet again. I married and had kids quite late and I don't really feel like grown up despite now being married with 2 kids, so I don't know how to project a grown up home.

Then I think you should stop comparing yourself to such a homogeneous group of people. The only person I know well who married and had children before turning 30 now says what on earth was she thinking, and admits it was unnecessarily limiting. I married at 39 and had a child at 40, both by choice. I spent years living in squats, communes, houseshares, on a houseboat, and on an island where the only other inhabitants were sheep. There’s no hard and fast timeline for life. I have a 13 year old at 53, and I have friends who have younger children by adoption, and friends who have grandchildren.

Lovely homes come in all kinds. I have friends who own hardly any furniture and friends with outhouses full of battered antiques they’re restoring. I have friends in award-winning architect-designed modernist cubes and friends in tiny central London flats with bikes hanging off the ceiling. I lived on a building site for years.

You don’t need to try to catch up with anyone. Posters on Mn are very helpful about decor — post if you’re thinking about layouts or buying furntiure or paint?