For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Oh OP, that's awful. Your childhood was abusive for sure.

I'm a child of the 60s and 70s and even back then I was never treated as you describe, never hit, never deprived of food. My parents were more on the emotionally abusive side of things with their words, and that's not great either, but there was no physical abuse.

From my own experience there's no point discussing it with them as you'll just get gaslit. I'm low contact with them, and that's their loss in their later years; they are very elderly now.

I'm shocked that so many posters think such abuse was normal as recently as the 80s, and that so many of you have experienced it.

I'm by no means a perfect parent, but my children were born in the 90s and never physically or verbally abused. I just couldn't, and neither could DH.

I'm sorry so many of you had to go through that.

A child who behaves well out of fear of what would happen for any minor transgression is not being brought up well.

My childhood was similar. My parents were authoritarian and strict. My dad once kicked me hard because I accidentally stood on his foot.
My mum once chased me to my room to get at me to smack me.
My mum once literally banged my head against my brother's head.

My mum told me that you shouldn't be proud of achievements as pride is a sin. Even now, I blush if someone tells me I did a good job.

I think some parents in the 80s were ignorant and copying what happened to them in their own childhoods.

I have a distant relationship with my mum as I don't entirely blame her, but I don't trust her - she's not someone I'm close to.

My aim as a parent is to be the exact opposite. OK, sometimes I make mistakes but I own up to them and apologise. I expect my children to do the same. I like to think I've broken the circle.

I was born in 1987 and my parents never smacked me (or anything else you mention.) I once saw my uncle put soap in my cousin's mouth for something he had said and I was digusted by it (and my parents would have been if they had seen it)

Or, there are a lot of people who are unable to believe that their "normal" is not necessarily the same as other people's.

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I was born in the late 80s and my mum smacked me. I get that sometimes I probably was playing up and since that was the normal punishment back then it was probably somewhat deserved, but some of them were completely and utterly spiteful and nasty, and I look back on that I'm just think 'what the fuck were you playing at doing that to your own child?'.

Talking to chat gpt about kind of helps. It doesn't half go on though.

There will people who were smacked and had their mouths washed out with soap back in the 80s, within the context of an otherwise loving, supportive and secure family dynamic - and those people find it much easier to say ‘it was a different time’ and move on, because the overall relationship was and continues to be solid. They never doubted they were loved and protected.

If the atmosphere at home was tense and frightening and chronically angry, and if it felt like the punishments were premeditated, or gave the parents satisfaction or pleasure, or came from a sense of rage or contempt - that feels very different, and the impact is one of abuse rather than discipline.

Are you just ignoring the mouth washed out with soap and sent to bed without food then?

Some of the things you described (sent to bed with no tea, washing mouth out) might have been regarded as normal. Smacking was normal when I grew up in the 70s although making the appointment for a later smacking is grim - my mother also never smacked in the heat of the moment but saved it up for later with her special leather spanking strap.

I know my mother was abusive. She is proud of her parenting and quite happily says that social services would probably have something to say these days. I imagine they would have had something to say about burning your children in those days, too, but whatever. I remain in some sort of contact. I have never chosen to call her out because she has already made it quite clear she stands by everything she has done. She once complained that another sibling hates her for certain past actions. I suggested that she could always try apologising and you'd have thought I'd suggested she fly to the moon.

If you think your parents might respond with care and love and maybe remorse to your bringing up the subject, OP, then by all means do so. If you just want to get it off your chest, then have at it, but they may react unpleasantly or minimise your concerns. Other posters have already advised you to consider what the purpose of calling them out would be and I agree with them.

I experienced that exact same thing ref soap and much more. My parents were virtually children themselves from appalling background.

My view is this - I can forgive most things if people have changed and grown and can accept responsibility. For example, acknowledging hurt caused, saying sorry genuinely without ' but....' or any minimisation.

In my case, very unpleasant behavior has continued. Emotional manipulation, cruelty, triangulation, compulsive lying, so much I could write pages. Because of what's happening today, what feels wrong today - that is why I've gradually distanced entirely. Today is my barometer.

My mother threatened it every day but I can’t recall her actually doing it.

I did this when my mum became a grandma as she couldn't bear the thought of anyone hurting her precious grandchildren. She has apologised. It was a different time and I've moved on.

To be honest, it would have been preferable to her cooking. I might even have said as much at one point.

I was born early 80s, and I'm bearing some small grudges against my parents about certain times I was smacked, especially if it was for something I didn't know was wrong, and one of the worst spankings I received from them was when I had hit my brother in a disagreement. Where did I get the idea that a disagreement could be ended by hitting? Also, smacking basically meant that my parents could instantly end a disagreement and make me cry, and it made me terrified of confrontation. I'm also still angry about a time I bumped into a blind man when out walking, when he stopped unexpectedly. My mum carefully explained why I shouldn't have bumped into him, and then smacked me. I was old enough to understand the explanation: the smacking was completely unnecessary, and only made sure I was crying and afraid. My reason for being angry is that as a teenager and young adult, it made me afraid to do things in case they were wrong: I had to have everything I did "validated" by an adult, and sometimes I think I could have achieved more if it wasn't for this fear of confrontation. In spite of that, I remember firmly arguing against smacking when I was nine years old, and I discovered a book on my parents' shelves arguing against smacking (which I still have). In the first chapter, it said "many parents regard it not just as a right, but their duty to hit their children". It also noted that our language has developed a remarkable vocabulary to cover hitting of children, listing about twenty synonyms, showing how entrenched it was in our culture.

I have heard a lot about my parents' own upbringings: they grew up in the 1950s, their parents were born about 1910 (there are big generation gaps in my family), and they did what they believed was right at the time, and they were certainly both smacked as children. I later found out that my dad's family was full of conflict, making him very angry, and he himself said he only mellowed of this after twenty of thirty years of being married to my mum. However, they were liberal in many other ways, and I was shocked to find out about "stricter" families. I do have a very loving relationship with them, and while I will not forget smacking, it was only a small part of my relationship with them. We don't usually discuss it, but I have sometimes imagined myself saying to them very clearly "you will not smack my children, or even joke about it", but I've not actually said this, because I don't have children.

Even Tony Blair admitted to smacking his own children, when it was debated: not making it right, but it was still "accepted" even in the mid 90s, although not so many parents did it then.

Your parents did overreact massively to the situations you described.

It is unacceptable nowaways to treat a kid like you were treated.

it still wasn’t right at any time.

I would work out exactly what you want from your parents.

No, I answered a post that suggested that smacking wasn't normal and replied on that point. I'd already said, twice now I think, that washing mouth out with soap wasn't normal, but regularly used as a threat. You could try reading my posts before you are outraged by them?

I was a child in the 70s and 80s growing up in North West England and don’t remember these things happening to me or my friends. Maybe the odd ‘smacked bum” but I’m not sure if that was a threat or actually happened.

Aside from the soap, this was how I was parented in the 90s.

Honestly, if they aren't willing to help you now that you are a single parentsstruggling alone, you would feel much better if you didn't see or speak to them at all. They sound unkind and judgemental. They also sound as though they enjoyed dishing out the horrible punishments when you were a child.

Comfort yourself with the fact that despite being on your own in a house that needs some maintenance, you are giving your children a childhood a million times better than the one you had because they have a loving mother and you didn't.

God, I'm a 70s child and I never knew of anyone who had their mouth washed out with soap. I remember it being used as a threat, but that's all. We were smacked by DM, but not regularly.

My DS had her 4 DC between late 80s & early 90s and she didn't smack them, neither did their DF.

It's dufficult to imagine parents scheduling punishment so they can both be present for it. That's alarming.

What will you do, OP?

You know if you confront your parents about this - they will deny it.

How will that make you feel?

I would get counselling rather than try to speak with them about it.

My parents were similarly abusive in the 70's /80's. Hit for really doing nothing wrong, red marks on legs and arms, shouted at at the table until I retched, only to be told I would have to eat my vomit if I was sick. Yelling at me until I wet myself. Got thrown out of home when I was 17 on a flimsy pretence.
I moved to the other side of the world and limited contact since I was in my late 20's. Had therapy... still occasionally feel bitter about it. It's their loss & I have no interest in hearing their bullshit lies/excuses.

What a pathetic comment!

I agree!
I started my teaching career in the early 70's and whilst smacking wasn't illegal it was uncommon in Primary schools. As for physical punishment being time-tabled rather than 'in the moment' that was certainly abusive, as was deprivation of food.
I'm not sure what you want to achieve by going NC, though. Safeguarding your own children? Getting an apology? I suggest that you find a counsellor to talk all the issues through and work out the best way to deal with them for you.

We lived near a children's home and one of the kids was a nightmare and one day all the neighbours kids were out playing and this charming child was going to them all and swearing in their faces telling them they were cunts. (They usually all got on) anyway one of the mums heard him and washed his mouth out with soap in the street.
He was screaming blue murder, we all cheered and the manager of the home told him it served him right. This would have been about 25 years ago, she would be done for assault now.

It was common 20/30 years ago but does not make it right. I was born 1994 and always had a red hand print somewhere on my body from a smack from my mum - this went on until my teenage years. It has affected me in the way I thought hitting and slapping others was okay for years - it’s only been the last five years I’ve been working with my partner to undo this. It has not affected my relationship with my mum at all - she’s my best friend. Has it affected you? If so, mention it. If it hasn’t, then just leave it.