For calling out my parents on abuse as a child

[Welshmum2010]

I have been thinking a lot lately about things my parents did to me as a child that are illegal now and would be classed as abuse. Because if this I don’t really want to have much to do with them but do I tell them or just reduce contact. I think if I said anything they would say all parents did it but I dont know if that’s really the case. I’m realising now I have my own children how bad it really was. I was a well behaved and polite child who did very well at school. I’d be smacked on a regular basis and this would be arranged to happen at a certain time and not just a tap on the hand at the point of doing something. I’d be sent to bed with no tea for a minor issue. I had my mouth washed out with soap on 2 occasions, once for saying a word I dint know in a sentence and another time for asking what something meant. We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated. They are very judgemental people or others for example if someone is what they would consider to be ‘common’ which now seems crazy when they used to hit kids and lock them in their room

Same here in Yorkshire. I used to get the belt at home, slapped bed with no tea or not allowed to,leave the table till plate cleared. Face rubbed in wee or poo if I soiled myself. I was born in 1970

The belt/tawse was still used as a threat of punishment in my Private School right up till 1997 although I only knew of one girl who it was used on in class.
My parents smacked all of us 3 children, my sister really resents them for it whereas I and my brother think sadly it was a sign of the times.

They were hideous parents, never leave them alone with your children!!

I think that what your parents did was at the extreme end of normal for that time.

It’s probably pointless raising it with them, but if mine had done that to me (and I was born in the late 1960’s), I wouldn’t feel much obligation to care for them in their old age.

This is not normal at all. So they would save up your “smacks” all day for minor irritations and schedule hitting you at a certain time where they both watched ?

This might have been normal in the sixties when I was growing up but not in the 80’s/90’s when my children were growing up. At least not among their contemporaries.

I dont think the abusive behaviour you describe here OK and i dont think it common in the 80s and never knew anyone who would do the things you describe to a child and would have been horrified if i had.
i raised children in the 80s and 90s and was raised in a working class environment in the 60s. i dont recognise any of the things you described as common practice.
Have you ever discussed how those things made you feel with your parents ?
Do you have children of your own?

Not how I was treated as a child in the 80s.

"Everyone did that back then" doesn't mean their behaviour wasn't abusive. Sexual harassment was par for the course in the 70s, but that doesn't mean the people who committed it weren't abusers.

I was a child in the seventies. I may have occasionally been lightly slapped but nothing else.

My Parents were the most kindest loveliest parents I could wish for but I was smacked. I say with pride that I was never smacked in anger. My parents never lost their temper and beat us out of anger or frustration, it was always a measured punishment. Usually “when Dad comes home”. It would happen at 6pm. Over his knee for how ever many smacks I’d “earned”. Very frequently it was early bed too as a punishment. I remember sometimes trying hard to “earn it off” by being very good before Dad got home, but I also remember sometimes carrying on being a little shit and earning more smacks! I even remember my Dad pulling over at the side of the road to smack us for our bad behaviour!

I was born in 1978 so this would be the 1980s. It was very normal then. The difference might be I considered the punishments fair. I had been naughty and that was the consequence.

I was raised in the 2000s and I got smacked and mouth washed with soap. However I don’t think my parents were abusive, we ran rings around them tbh. So I really can’t say much from this post.

I've found forgiving people is easier the older you get and the more flawed you realise people are/were, and the realisation that many friends from that era also had less than ideal childhoods.

I forgave my parents because to not do so causes more damage.

I suppose the other point already made above, is that it's easy to judge what happened then against contemporary thought and ethics. They were different times.

It’s pretty unfair to condemn your parents for what was common in their day. Has it occurred to you that your children can do the same when they grow up, because some of what we do with the best intentions today will be classified as toxic abuse in a couple of generations?

I’m totally against smacking too but not because I think it’s abusive. I just think it’s extremely ineffective and a strange thing to teach your kids.

I was born in 81. I was smacked a few times when my mum really lost it but to be fair I was a little shit at times. Never smacked at school! And never had my mouth washed out with soap. That sounds a bit over the top.

That was back in the 60s. They probably had the same or worse themselves as children so just thought that's what everyone did

My children were born in the 80's, I certainly didn't do any of the things mentioned in the OP, neither did any of the other parents I knew at the time. I think one or two of the people I knew occasionally smacked their kids, which I consider abusive but many people don't.

I think there are shitty abusive parents in every generation it's not a time thing, its a people thing. My Dad was born in 1920 he was beaten as a child because his grandfather (he was brought up by grandparents) was a violent alcoholic. Violent alcoholics are sadly still around today. My dad didn't beat us or treat us cruelly in any way (born in 1950s) he was a lovely gentle man.

I see what I would consider terrible parenting virtually every time I go out, people yelling at kids, and threatening them ('when I get you home you'll get a proper punch' was one delightful comment, which I obviously reported) I see parents walking along completely ignoring their kids whille glued to their phones, I hear of parents who spend all their spare time playing computer games and ignoring their kids. Its all abuse to varying degrees, the style may change but the lack of care for those you should cherish the most is the same.
There are people in the world who are shit parents, sadly I don't think that will ever change.

80s and 90s no those things weren’t normal in my area sorry.

None of my friends had soap shoved into their mouths in the 80s or 90s. I was the only one of my friends who got the occasional slap for very bad behaviour (not accidents). None of what the OP has mentioned was anywhere near “common” in my area in the 80s or 90s.

I remember being smacked on occasion by my mother.

But I was definitely not made to eat soap, nor sent to bed without dinner.

It was abuse. It was also cruel.

Hi OP I find myself in something of a similar position. DF particularly was a strict disciplinarian and sometimes we were hit quite hard for doing some quite small things. I think this physical punishment has had an impact. When in working or personal life things become a little heated my mind goes to flight or flight. I believe this is a direct consequence of my mind expecting the blows to start sometime soon. I have spoken to my parents about this. I did not get very far TBH and I do accept that they both had very hard upbringings and that for the 70s/80s in my part of the working class Midlands, this way of disciplining children was not unusual. I have tried to understand their perspective and the historical context and I am mindful of the impact it has had. However, it is important to let go. My mum and dad generally were very loving parents and otherwise were very supportive.

You asked 'We’re these typical in 1980s or was I harshly treated'?

@Welshmum2010sending love and sympathy to you. me too. I echo just because others did so at the time it doesn’t mean it was right. lots of parents did not physically punish, that’s worth remembering too. I won’t divert to myself but just sending love and you are allowed to discuss it here or with your parents whenever because physical punishment isn’t right x 🫂

The soap shoving was not normal then, no. I'm shocked that anyone would say it was. The threat of it was definitely a thing but not the action.

Sadly, smacking was normalised and practised by otherwise loving parents, hence the reluctance of a lot of pps to condemn their parents for smacking them. Thankfully that’s not the case now.