Sorry in advance for the lengthy post.
I’m wondering whether to leave my partner after nearly 30 years. We’re not married but have two teens. We didn’t get married because, for a significant period of our relationship, quite some time ago, before our now teens came along, she was unfaithful with a number of ONS’s and casual flings. I didn’t know about them until they’d been going on for about 5 years.
To her credit, she tells me that she’s told me everything (there was a lot to tell), and that she did so because she wanted to commit to me, she even proposed more than once. They were pretty disgusting by anyone’s standards, both in number and nature. Try as I have to get over it, it’s always been there bubbling under the surface and most of the time I’m fighting with myself not to show my resentment.
Domestically and as a parent she’s incredible, wonder-woman incarnate. She’s good company and we share interests, political ideology etc. Our sex life’s never been straightforward. A ‘complication’ very early in the relationship all but killed it off for a few years, and when we did recover it was fraught with anxieties. Although post the infidelity we worked on it with couples counselling, therapy etc, I can’t help but think it’s never been quite as it should. She would say otherwise, that we/I do enough for her to be happy, but I’m not. It’s more often than not one way, me meeting her demands for attention, meeting her desires when she's in the mood, and me getting little to nothing in return, quite literally. She makes little to no effort with or for me. I get shut down if I mention anything remotely related to sex in any context unless she’s asking me to tell her fantasy stories and ‘satisfy’ her. It's always on her terms.
I’m mid 50’s now and want some of that attention, and frankly some fun before I’m too old. I’ve thought about separating before but financially it wasn’t possible and the kids too young. But I recently inherited a property and keep thinking is this the right time and circumstances to leave? Despite my hurt and resentment, I don’t wish her any ill will at all, in fact I love her and our kids very much, but I can never feel like I did before her infidelity came out. It changed me a lot. I’ve been a miserable old trout for 18 years, whereas before I was, and was known, for being sociable, laid back, unargumentative and devoted. I showered her with attention and put her on a pedestal. But I want my old self back before it’s too late.
AIBU?