Money trauma - can anyone relate?

[Mum3202]

Growing up we weren’t exactly poor, always had food on the table and clean clothes but never had holidays, meals out, birthday parties or any extras. Parents always talked about money and how tight things were and I think that’s sort of traumatised me with money.
fast forward to today me and DH have a comfortable life and manage to save every month.
Every time we are about to go somewhere or do something that requires a bit of spending (which is not very often - couple of times a year maybe) I always feel very anxious and worried.
we are going away for Christmas to spend with it family and I’ve started adding up costs and it’s driving me a bit nuts even though we can afford it. To add to this I’ve also found out by accident that DH has kindly bought me a really nice Christmas present (which cost £400) and even though I feel very lucky I can’t stop thinking that we could need that money for something else. I never spend that much on myself and don’t think I would be able to. We also have a trip booked in a couple of months to celebrate a milestone which we’ve been looking forward for a long time. I’m now thinking about cancelling it to avoid spending that much so soon. Even though this won’t have any major impact financially in our lives. I know that’s all in my head and I need to live a little bit and not worry so much about money. We have a DC and don’t want them to feel like I felt about money my entire life. I really want to overcome this feeling but don’t know what to do. I had therapy in the past and we briefly touched on this but it didn’t really helped much.
have you ever felt this way? What did you do that helped?

AIBU - just enjoy life as long as you can afford it (with moderation and keeping your savings intact)
AINBU - you should save as much as possible because you never know what’s coming

thanks!

I think if you have grown up with money issues and you're now in a comfortable positions, it never leaves you ( I get it, I was the same ) but I think as long as my bills are covered, my savings are topped up and I have a good retirement plan, then sod it, I have worked for it, I am enjoying it, but rather than spend things on material items, I spend it on holiday, experiences, theatres etc

I do understand what you mean - but as long as you are living within your means, life is for living! You can make sensible financial decisions without stopping yourself from doing lovely things because you've worked for your financial security.

You can't predict what might happen - but you can plan for rainy days without saving being the only goal in life.

Life is for living.

I have a spreadsheet ( of course) and in it is a budget for holidays , a boiler replacement at some point in the distant future , etc etc

snd as long as any holidays are within budget I can cope

I will always be a natural saver but I can really spend

strangely I find big spending - a holiday - easier than say takeaways and day trips

spwlling edits

I completely understand OP.

I was brought up in a house where I was reasonably well off but my parents had grown up very poor and it rubbed off on me to always save and always look after your money. As a result, I’m always watching where my money is going and what I’m spending it on. Even when I can let like a bit I don’t

I completely understand, for me it's things I am not expecting that sends me into a panic. I check my bank and work out all my incoming and outgoings a few times a day which calms me down because I can see things are fine.
Mine comes from a partner who used to empty our bank gambling, one day I would have 2k in to pay the bills, the next day minus 3k, it really messed me up.

There is you tube videos on the subject you can watch but I think it always stays with you, just have to find the best way to manage it.

@CoralOP that sounds horrendous and so abusive. Glad you’re free from the relationship now.

Me too. I wasn't poor growing up, but had a massive change in circumstances when my first marriage ended. I had £10 a week to spend on food for me and two kids. I built myself up again and am now comfortable- very very comfortable, in fact, compared with that past version of me. But there is an element of anxiety around spending money, especially on things like holidays where you're not left with anything tangible.

@Mum3202 you sound like MIL and FIL. Their DC now 64, 62, 59, remember being hungry as children with a cake for four stretched to five, sharing an icecream, always given the impression their parents were skint. SILs were on different continents aged 22 and rarely visit. When they get together the DC talk about "perhaps it wasn't as bad as they remember" Everything in MILs mind is an extravagance. At 89 she continues to suck the joy in the house that hasn't seen a lick of paint since 1960. She draws her pension, generous, every month and pays top rate tax. MIL and FIL had good, professional jobs. FIL had £1m in the bank when he died nearly 20 years ago.

MIL has never socialised or spent anything lest it might cost. A church outing was the height of it. At 89 she's entirely alone except for DH's visits. Writes a Christmas caed when she receives one to make sure a stamp isn't wasted.

Keep up with the therapy, give your dc joyous memories and don't become that couple.

While I have empathy for the trauma of growing up fearful of scarcity, I also have to say that from the other side of this, it's very difficult to live with.

I grew up comfortably middle class and DH grew up in a council flat with his mum and although he had clothes, food, housing, etc, he was always acutely aware of how much his mum struggled as a single parent with no money.

Now DH earns six figures and we have a nice nest egg, lovely house, two cars, etc. But he will still eat food that has gone past its use by date, for example.

What I find particularly stressful is if we need any work doing to the house, it is a whole year of me begging, pleading, trying to make a reasoned argument, flat out fights, before he will agree to spend the money. We didn't replace our 30 year old bathroom until the floor was literally rotten and the bath sunk through it, even though I had been saying for years it needed doing. We lived a while year in our house with bare floorboards because it was such a struggle to get him to agree to putting proper flooring down.

He recently did as you are doing OP and freaked out about an upcoming holiday and insisted we cancel it. It was only when he saw how devastated the kids were that he reluctantly agreed to rebook it.

I get so annoyed with him having a go at me if I run the tap in the kitchen sink for what he feels is too long, or if I have a shower and he thinks I've taken too long in there he will say something. Similarly if I accidentally leave a light on upstairs for 20 mins, I hear about it for days. He's not being controlling, it's his anxiety. I tell him to shut up about it, but he can't help himself.

Honestly, I love him but living with his anxiety about money is exhausting and I wish he'd address it.

To some extent I can. I will still hardly ever e.g. buy a takeaway coffee (waste of money) and although we’re pretty comfortably off now, I still feel a bit guilty when (rarely) treating myself to anything at all expensive.

Any waste of food really irks me, too - hardly anything is ever wasted in this house.
Dh was brought up much the same as me - 4 kids, skint parents, but is a lot more comfortable with splashing out on things like holidays, theatre trips, etc. He doesn’t spend on much else, though.

Same here, Both me and my husband grew up in a "just enough" money family. Neither of us ever went without, but it was drilled into us to watch the pennies. We're now both earning well, but still on baby steps with relaxing the budgeting.

No quick solutions and I think it's very personal what works, but for me knowing what you're not going to enjoy (because you can't get past the cost) is step one. I'm never going to enjoy a fancy meal out, but have slowly learned to let go a bit more when on holiday and enjoy the treat of a coffee and a cake / pub lunch, or a more expensive "experience" with the kids.

What works best for me is to transfer an amount to savings each month that gives me that "security" feeling, but then to really try to let go with the remainder and do stuff that I actually can enjoy. Start small, try to teach your children money sense but not anxiety and accept it may take a generation to fully enjoy something more expensive for what it is, a treat.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER interesting. DH and I will stint on things like coffees. I take a packed lunch and flask to work, DH buys his coffee in Greggs and he is a bugger over food waste but there's hardly any.

OTH, he hated so much never going on a school trip because he always hid the letter rather than dare ask, he went totally OTT over the DC's trips and signed any trip letter that was ever left out. Aged 14, DS picked up the Galapogos Islands letter for £4,900, handed it to me and said dad's gone nuts.

Would it help if you had two savinga accounts:

1. For short-medium term - holidays, presents, washing machine replacement etc
2. For long term - future requirements and bigger items

The fact one is for spending and other is for comfort might give you a feeling of greater security.

I'm the same. I think it's a fairly common problem. One piece of advice I've had which has worked for me is to 'practice' being someone who is ok with spending money - sort of a 'fake it till you make it' approach. So when I'm faced with a small spending decision where I know there is no real risk but I would be anxious about it, I imagine what a less anxious person would do and I do that. It's surprisingly effective. Over time it's a matter of scaling that up, slowly, and going over the consequences (which are likely to be little or nothing). Your brain relearns its relationship with money and realises the fear is unfounded.

One thing I remind myself of often is that I have been broke in the past and I coped so if I do end up broke somehow I'll be fine. That helps too.

I understand but can we please stop with the hyperbolic language.

Being traumatized means experiencing a deeply shocking, distressing event that overwhelms your ability to cope, causing significant, long-lasting psychological harm, affecting your thoughts, emotions, and behavior, often leaving you severely upset and unable to function normally for extended periods. It's a severe emotional wound from events like violence, abuse, or major loss, leading to symptoms that can linger long after the event itself

I am the same occasionally. I slept on a grotty old mattress with no duvet or pillow up until I was around 8. It's like my parents didn't provision for my arrival. There was no money, like at all. I remember crawling on the floor and seeing what I thought was a piece of chocolate. Nope! Of course my baby brain didn't make the connection between there being 3 cats with toileting issues and chocolate being the same colour as poop. Yep, I ate cat poop. Well, I put it in my mouth and spat it right out. But I digress.

It's perfectly normal to believe having no or very little money is the correct thing, because it's all you've ever known. Until you notice other people living life in a different way because they have money, then it gets confusing. When I first saw my brother had a television in his room, I cried the house down it was so unfair. Once you get older and even when you're not in the same position as you were, the anxiety remains as a way to ensure you absolutely do not overspend or spend money that isn't yours.

Did you start a thread about the holiday? If that was you, I've thought of you a lot and hope it's all going well for you. That thread made me examine a lot of my own habits and tendency to panic when spending on non-essentials. Thank you for being open and discussing, it really made me think, and as a result means I'm trying to be more rational and considerate.

Growing up in a fearful environment can cause trauma. As a kid, watching your parents be constantly stressed and afraid themselves can have a long-lasting impact in all the ways you just listed. Poverty and money scarcity can absolutely cause those things.

Oh God yes

My parents had (still do) money but didnt want to spend it on us

Everything was second hand or the cheapest they could get away with-i clearly remember getting smacked because they'd bought me a pair of shoes for £3 and they fell apart after two weeks (this was the early 90's)

Another pair (that she got for free from a friend) had holes in the soles and she screamed and sulked for weeks

They would sulk for weeks if you had a light on in the house (they'd rather you sat in the dark) or used the toaster/microwave

Birthday/Christmas presents where bought in sales (fair enough) but it was a case of what could be bought cheaply rather than what you wanted

Food was free as he grew his own veg and anything else was the yellow stickered stuff/cheap as possible-it didnt matter if we liked it or not

They claim to have no money/cant afford whatever (for my mother,she spends on herself but my father refuses)

They are millionares

Fast forward and I ended up a skint single parent and had to watch/stretch every penny (my ex and mother would steal the tiny bit of money I had so was really up against it)

Kids are now grown up now and I still watch every penny and dont waste it

I struggle to buy anything even if it's needed rather than a want

I have to have my buffer or my world will collapse

I sometimes find it hard to spend money
I've got this thing about savings for my old age.
I've becomed familiar with care homes and the costs
I know if i want a nice care home I've got to save.
I can't stand the thought of being in one where the council sends you within your budget and its not nice. Maybe you have to share bathroom etc.