AIBU to want to leave my husband over things that happened in the past?

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have been together 26 years, from when I was 20, he 27. We have lived together de facto for 25 years and been married for 19. Last year we nearly broke up. This was due to us having sex after not having any intimacy at all for 4 years, because I had not lost the baby weight from my second child. As soon as I lost the weight, he started approaching for sex again so I know that was the reason and he did admit it. During that dry spell he also did not acknowledge our anniversary at all.

We have two children 10 and 17 (18 next June and in final year of school).
When we did have sex I realised I had zero physical attraction to him anymore and was actively repulsed by him. He had not done any exercise at all, not a scrap, in at least 10 years, and weighed about 115kg at 5"10 (obese on BMI) yet didn't want me when I was 70kg and 5"6 (not even overweight on BMI) but a size UK 10/12.

He has also been verbally and emotionally abusive in the past; said I dressed like a slut and refused to apologize, used my childhood physical abuse as a 'joke' with a friend of his in front of me, yelling at me in public and in front of the children, used to call me a 'good girl', always wanted to make all the decisions, not contributing to hardly any housework or cooking, and there was a breach of trust sexually where he pushed past consent.

He has been trying however, he has lost almost 20 kg running everyday and is lifting weights, he cooks 1 meal per week and now makes the beds in the morning, he has tried to change his attitude. Despite this, I cannot forgive him, do not want him to touch me and would rather live in a council flat than stay married to him.

I don't want to be selfish and mess up my children's lives but I am very unhappy in the marriage and feel he must be too. The current plan is to wait until my eldest has finished senior and leave at the end of next year.

AIBU? Selfish, silly? Will I grow old alone. I am 47 in January and I doubt anyone else will want me now and I have accepted that.

You can leave for whatever reason you want

leave.

You gained some weight after your child was born and your husband was physically repulsed by you and refused to have sexual relations until you lost the weight.
Meanwhile, he's a slob. (Okay to be fair, you said very recently he's been taking an interest in exercise)

You said that he's been physically and emotionally abusive to you many times in the past. Bringing up your childhood assault as a joke, demeaning you, belittling you, putting you down constantly, over the last 25 years.
Though just recently he started cooking a dinner a week, to help out....

This all sounds like too little too late to me. I mean we can't go back and fix the past, obviously, but we can definitely take accountability for our mistakes. We can apologize for them sincerely, and we can attempt to make amends. I don't know that there's anything he can do that would be enough for you at this point. You've had so many years, most of your life, that you've endured his abuse and you've learned not to love him anymore as a way to protect yourself. Seems right to me.

And you're wondering if this is a very slow climb up for him that he's maybe taking a little better care of himself and maybe helping out a little bit more around the house and maybe it'll be enough. I don't know. It sounds like he's made you very unhappy and he's not taking any accountability for that. I suspect if he did. Agree to go to counseling, agree to do things that would make you happy, work together as a unit to make a stronger family, what's left of it, that might be okay but it just really might be too little too late...

You poor thing. I’m really sorry. If he’s trying, it’s only you who can see if its worth seeking counselling (if you haven’t already) or if it’s too little too late

He sounds grim. I'm amazed you're stuck it out for this long.

A relationship only exists because, and while, both people want to be in it. As Vaxtable said, you can leave for any reason you want, or no reason. So can your husband. The fact that your husband is a gross misogynist pig would seem like a great reason to leave from my point of view, but only you can decide if YOU want to leave.

This sounds awful and you can absolutely leave for any reason at all.

When it's gone, it's gone, as they say.
Once we lose respect for our partners, it is really difficult to stay in relationship. Sexual contact without enthusiastic consent is a very serious transgression; I hope you are safe and secure now.
How brave of you to see your husband for who he is.
How wise to listen to your body's clear signal of repulsion.
How eminently sensible to realise that right now might not be the best time for you to move on, but instead prepare to wait until circumstances are more favourable.
How liberating to realise that you would be so contented in your own company (hurrah!) that your accommodation will a minor detail.
And oh, how wrong you are to think that nobody will want you now, a spring chicken at 47. I am a very unglamorous, sensible 50 year old who can assure you that, as soon as you become available to make new connections, you are sure to find good, kind, solid men keen to get to know you.
Best of luck, OP.

Make him your ex.

"He has been trying however, he has lost almost 20 kg running everyday and is lifting weights, he cooks 1 meal per week and now makes the beds in the morning, he has tried to change his attitude."
Too little, too late. Laughably too little in comparison to the shocking behaviour he put you through.

"I don't want to be selfish and mess up my children's lives but I am very unhappy in the marriage and feel he must be too. The current plan is to wait until my eldest has finished senior and leave at the end of next year."
It would not be selfish to leave him, and you need to consider how growing up in a household where their father show such contempt to their mother will mess up your children's lives. You are both modelling relationship behaviour to your children, do you want them to consider this to be normal? To have a daughter treated as you are treated, to have a son behave to his partner as your partner behaves to you? And don't kid yourself that your children are unaware - kids are little sponges, they soak up words you don't think they hear, see sights you don't think they'll notice, feel atmospheres you don't think they'll feel. They know. Get them out of this toxic atmosphere as soon as you can.