Never invited

[Namechange790]

I’m not a massive social animal but I’m like a night out every so often. I’ve noticed that the mums who I thought I was friendly with through our kids at school quite regularly go out for meals and nights out. One of the mums who goes always tells me about where they go and what they do. So does another one of the group. I’ve hinted at both of them that I’d like to go one night as I’m not from the area so have no real close friends about. Anyway, they all went out again on Saturday night and one of the mums was happily talking about it to me at the school gate earlier. I asked her in a roundabout way why she hadn’t mentioned it to me and she said “well sometimes you’re a bit quirky.” What the actual…. What is she saying? I’m a weirdo and they don’t want me about? Be kind as I’m struggling with a lot right now.

Don't you think the first option is more likely though - given that this person 1) thinks being 'quirky' is a reason not to hang out with someone (i.e. indicates they are probably a bit boring to your average quirky person), and 2) said that to her face (I mean can you really defend that?).

It's probably both - wondering why she asked AND being boring assholes

It takes guts to approach people in an attempt to make friends. Don’t let this put you off.

In an ideal world everyone would be welcome everywhere but not everyone fits in every group. In a way it’s kinder to exclude someone than the dynamic of the group become strained because they are there. And they will know they are the reason for the awkward atmosphere.

They tried to avoid offending you by ignoring your hints that you’d like to join their group and, I think, tried to be honest yet tactful when you were direct. Quirky isn’t an insult, is it? I would prefer that honesty than be told, sure I could join them sometime and then never be told when. Just left hanging.

I do think that it was thoughtless of them to chat about their nights out in front of you once they were aware you wanted to join their group, but perhaps they didn’t realise how important it was to you.

Don’t let this put you off finding a group that will welcome you.

Maybe the person was put on the spot and had to make up something due to not knowing what to say

They and you obviously aren't each others types. That's fine.
Have you considered inviting someone out? Take the lead

I think it’s a weird reason to give to someone’s face and suggests someone who is either intentionally rude or deeply tactless. On the other hand, if a slight acquaintance I’d chatted to in the school yard started asking me in an aggrieved manner why I hadn’t invited her on a recent night out with my friends, I’d think she was deeply odd.

So you’re saying that you would keep talking about the nights out to someone who you decided not to invite and you would find ridiculous that people would consider this rude? I think the immature behaviour is coming from this mum, who lacks even the basic level of courtesy. She knows the poster is interested in joining in and going out, yet she keeps talking to her about these lovely nights out without ever including her. She could keep it to herself. I would not teach this behaviour to my children that is for sure.

That was bitchy of her, sounds like she lacks self awareness if she doesn’t realise how mean that sounds.

are there any other mums who you could try and connect with?

My child is nearly 20 - I spent the whole of their primary school years being as nice as pie to every other mum, trying to make conversation, wondering why other new people were accepted into their group and I wasn’t etc and it was so HARD. I have no idea why. Please don’t take this to heart at all. Like someone else mentioned many will have gone to school together themselves, have connections outwith school and so on! In the end I use to put on my smile, say a cheery hello and that was it.

Well I would start ignoring her at the gates from now on. Seems petty but she has been a right nasty fuck. These people are not the ones for you. Everyone has their quirks. It DOES NOT make you less of a person and her opinion is not fact!

I always find it a bit odd that people expect to make friends with other school mums just by virtue of the fact that you happen to be in the same place at the same time every day. Not everyone sees the school gate as their opportunity to find a friendship group or add to their friendship group, but some people seem offended when other mums aren’t keen to chat for whatever reason.

Maybe they were an established group of friends before school? Maybe they just feel comfortable with their group dynamic as it is and don’t feel the need to add other people? They don’t have an obligation to invite you just because you would like to be invited. That’s not bullying in itself.

What is unkind is the woman saying you’re odd, so I would definitely stop chatting to her as she doesn’t sound like a nice person.

Yes, she's saying that they perceive you as different to them and that's why they don't invite you

Seems quite unkind but also, they're not your tribe so there'd be little point going out with them. You wouldn't feel happy or have a good time

As a fellow “quirky” person, the bit that stood out for me is their rejection of you. I’ve had this my whole life (hence my username), because I don’t see a lot of the unwritten social rules. So I make unintentional “mistakes” and in my experience, people can be quite brutal when they don’t want you in their group. Especially if they think there is something “wrong” with you, as it also seems to lead to an assumption that you have no feelings.

I’ve got better at reading rejection signals over the years and I don’t keep trying anymore. I’m out at the first sniff. You hinted, and they ignored the hint...they knew damn well you were asking to join them, and they expected you to understand the message when you weren’t invited. I have learned through bitter experience that someone they want in the group either would have already been invited, or the hint would have been acted upon. The chat after the night out, although insensitive, was to reiterate the point.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s happened to me so many times, and I know it’s incredibly painful. There are a lot of us “quirky” people about, yet it is hard to find each other sometimes, especially at school gates, where you need a friend. Best wishes.