To think some women attract stingy, withholding men because they treat themselves that way?

[SoftnessIsTheStandard]

I’ve been reflecting on patterns, especially in dating and one thing I’ve noticed is how often women who attract cheap, emotionally unavailable or withholding men are also incredibly withholding with themselves. They rarely treat themselves, resist softness or pleasure, see self-care as a luxury and treat their own needs like a burden. It’s like they subconsciously accept scarcity and so that’s what they draw in.

I’m not saying women cause bad behaviour but I do think there’s something to be said for the energy we embody. If you don’t believe you’re worthy of generosity, joy or ease… you’ll often tolerate relationships that reflect that back at you.

AIBU to think that if you’re constantly attracting stingy, bare-minimum men, it might be time to check how you’re showing up for yourself first?

Some women settle for scraps just to have a man.

They don't attract them necessarily, but they tolerate them instead of dumping them.

Women with low self esteem (which I think is basically what you are describing?) are also likely to attract men who love bomb them - which is the opposite of stingy and withholding!

resist softness

I'm sorry but what does this shite mean? Sleeping on rough linen sacks?

I don't have money to spend it on much self care, I'll happily get the odd nice bubble bath, have a massage a few times a year.

What I do value in life and in a partner is working hard and not being overly extravagant. I'd rather make sure that I've saved enough to be able to afford to retire, as I don't want to live in poverty in old age.

I think you're right. Never noticed that before

I’m not talking about money or luxury purchases. Softness here isn’t bubble baths or spending you can’t afford, it’s how someone treats their own needs, boundaries and wellbeing. For example, resting when you’re exhausted instead of pushing through, not minimising your own feelings, allowing yourself pleasure or ease without guilt, not framing your needs as “too much.” Plenty of people are financially prudent and self-respecting, they aren’t mutually exclusive. My point was about emotional scarcity, not financial responsibility.

But i dont need a man to treat me or spoil me or do anything else in the typical cliched way, yes my husbamd and I do nice things forveach other butci am with him or any other man because they are nice normal people not because I need them to treat me like a 'princess', awful expression

But people well receive behaviour they expect i expect my husband to treat me like a human and he does or i would not be with him or any mam that is my choice

If women expect to be treated badly they will get it

Sweet Jesus here's another thread with the 'specially made up user name where the OP 'has been refecting on patterns', stirs up a shit show of crap, criticises women in general, blames women and invites bickering.

YOU CAN RECOGNISE THESE FUCKERS BEFORE YOU OPEN THEM NOW.

OP comes back with "No I'm not saying that" or "I'm not talking about....."

The writing is word soup.
The subject is bilge.
These are ruining MN.

If you have low value and self-worth you're more likely to put up with crap, because it feels normal, you're desperate for a relationship, you think it's all the you deserve etc.

Is this what the OP is saying? If yes, nothing too new there.

If OP is saying- if you don't "treat" yourself with massages, little luxuries, rest then you attract (like a magnet?) crap men, then no.... YABU

Yes! I've just been dumped by my husband after a 20 year relationship where outside the first few loved up months, he generally has been a passive, low effort grumpy bastard. I can't believe what I accepted really, just on the basis that he wasn't aggressive/violent/a drunk. It's almost as if I didn't know you could end a relationship without something really bad happening.

A lot of people I've met with low self esteem or who act as you've described, not allowing themselves to rest, minimising their own feelings etc are people who were brought up like that. If your entire life you've been expected to just put up with whatever and shut up and you've never been treated any different then why wouldn't you accept that kind of love, it's literally all you've known?

This.

In my case my parents told me I was stupid, fat, ugly and thick and this was reinforced in my early relationships.

once I went no contact and demanded to be treated better I got a lovely relationship and husband

it would be great to say well a man shouldnt treat a woman badly and a button gets pressed and everything in life is wonderful but if a man has it in them to treat a woman badly they are not going to seek out a woman who stands up for themselves and wont be treated in a bad way, who will they go for?

Agree but when you are young you do need to push to get ahead in your career as that's the best time to do it.

Its easier to put your emotional needs first as you get older and aren't as worried about financial security.

You only have to read the who pays on dates threads Women falling over themselves to prove they are not materialistic