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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Family Law

15 replies

ForRoseSheep · 08/12/2025 15:57

Ex has started family law proceedings because I am not willing to reduce my time with our children.

He currently works shifts and has both boys when he is OFF work. Four on, four off, for on, four off, four on, ten off. Wants them for his full ten off but he has “compromised” to seven nights.

Me, I work also. Have reduced my hours at work to see the kids as I barely got to see them. I work and have them at the same time, relying on grandparents for childcare. Annual leave has been used mainly for half terms and children sick days.

I have worked around his shift pattern so he can spend time with them - but whenever I need or want to make plans I have to check his rota first. We have been separated for two years now.

I have asked for two extra days per month as my time isn’t quality time. It’s literally the dregs of the day and the fucking rushy mornings. Which is made even worse when his shift pattern falls on a weekend or when I’m off work.

My question(s) is this…how will this play out in court? Or if anyone has been in a similar situation how did it pan out for you? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 15:59

So you do 50/50 currently? How does that mean you don't get quality time? Surely you get weekends within that as it's 4:4?
YANBU to decline to increase his time with them - 50/50 is more than reasonable.

firsttimekat · 08/12/2025 16:02

How did you come to the previous arrangements?
have you considered mediation rather than court? If there isn’t any domestic abuse then the court could direct you to do mediation or at least have a MIAM before they consider further.

rather than framing this about what you want and whether you or he win, have you thought about what your children want or need and what is in their best interest? The court should be thinking in that context so getting into the same mindset as them and framing it that way should land better.

ForRoseSheep · 08/12/2025 16:15

We’ve had mediation and I was the only one coming up with flexible solutions. He stayed with the same “offer”

I have spoken to them and they would prefer to be with me otherwise I wouldn’t be going to court and trying to fight for this. If they wanted to be with their dad for the 7 days I’d suck it up.

OP posts:
ForRoseSheep · 08/12/2025 16:16

Previous arrangement was one or two nights per week but not on the days he had plans. This was of course until he started spaying CSA…then it was I want them more.

OP posts:
ForRoseSheep · 08/12/2025 16:18

Not all the time as his rota doesn’t fall on the same days. So in November he had them four/five weekends.

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 16:59

ForRoseSheep · 08/12/2025 16:18

Not all the time as his rota doesn’t fall on the same days. So in November he had them four/five weekends.

This is not ok, and I agree you cannot continue this way. It's a good thing that he's taking you to court. You can propose a schedule of contact that allows for his 4 days off and also allows for a longer period during his 10 days off whilst protecting your time 2 weekends a month.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 17:14

Ok so I asked ChatGPT to make you a fair schedule. It's pretty complicated but this is what is suggested;

Got you. Let’s rebuild this properly so it’s genuinely 50/50 and still gives him his 7-night block.

First, I’m going to correct the rota maths, then I’ll show you a clean equal split.

1️⃣ His actual pattern (30-day cycle)

From what you wrote:

Four on, four off, four on, four off, four on, ten off

That’s:

  • ON: 4 + 4 + 4 = 12 days/nights
  • OFF: 4 + 4 + 10 = 18 days/nights
  • Total: 30 days

So, in each 30-day cycle there are 12 ON nights and 18 OFF nights.

2️⃣ Target for a true 50/50 split

Over 30 days:

  • Total nights = 30
  • Equal split = 15 nights each

We also want:

  • Dad to have the boys when he’s OFF as much as possible
  • Dad to still have his 7-night run in the 10-day OFF block
  • Each parent to get 2 weekends per month (we’ll deal with weekends in a second)

3️⃣ Simple, workable 50/50 pattern (per 30-day rota)

Let’s label the days in one rota cycle:

  • Days 1–4: ON
  • Days 5–8: OFF
  • Days 9–12: ON
  • Days 13–16: OFF
  • Days 17–20: ON
  • Days 21–30: OFF (10-day block)

Now we allocate.

Mother

  • Has the boys on all ON nights (Dad working):
  • Days 1–4, 9–12, 17–20 → 12 nights
  • Plus 3 nights from the long OFF block:
  • e.g. Days 28–30

Mother total = 12 + 3 = 15 nights

Father

  • Has the boys on the shorter OFF blocks:
  • Days 5–8 → 4 nights
  • Days 13–16 → 4 nights
  • Plus 7 consecutive nights of the long OFF block:
  • Days 21–27

Father total = 4 + 4 + 7 = 15 nights

✅ Result: 100% clean 50/50 over each 30-day rota.

  • Father: 15 nights per cycle
  • Mother: 15 nights per cycle

Dad still gets a 7-night stretch in his 10-off period, and the kids are with Mum whenever he’s actually on shift.

4️⃣ What about “2 weekends each per month”?

Because the work pattern is fixed but the calendar months move, weekends will “slide” through that 30-day cycle.

So you do this as an overlay rule:

  1. Count weekends in each calendar month (Friday and Saturday overnights).
  2. Work out, using the base pattern above, who the children would be with.
  3. Adjust handover by 1 day where needed so that in that month:
  4. Dad has 2 full weekends (Fri & Sat nights)
  5. Mum has 2 full weekends (Fri & Sat nights)

For example:

  • If a weekend falls inside Dad’s OFF but he’s already had 2 weekends that month → that weekend becomes Mum’s, by handing over Thursday night or Friday after school.
  • If Mum would only get 1 weekend that month under the raw pattern → you take one of Dad’s OFF weekends and shift the handover so it becomes her weekend.

These tweaks keep the overall 15/15 nights across the rota cycle, but avoid one parent hogging all the nice weekend time.

Bottom line

With this structure:

  • Nights:
  • Father = 15 nights per 30 days
  • Mother = 15 nights per 30 days
  • Weekends:
  • Use the overlay rule to ensure each gets 2 weekends per calendar month, by nudging handover times when needed.
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ForRoseSheep · 08/12/2025 19:38

Very helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
working4ever · 08/12/2025 19:58

I really don't think chatgpt is your saviour. What do you want and what do your dcs prefer? Nothing to do with your ex at the moment. Then marry up against what your ex is asking- anything marry up?

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 20:07

working4ever · 08/12/2025 19:58

I really don't think chatgpt is your saviour. What do you want and what do your dcs prefer? Nothing to do with your ex at the moment. Then marry up against what your ex is asking- anything marry up?

Nobody suggested it was a 'saviour' but it's taken a complicated equation and created a formula that gives both parents 50/50 and each parent half the weekends. I thought it was pretty helpful myself. I certainly would have got pretty confused and frustrated if I tried to work that out by myself, I don't know about you.

Espressosummer · 08/12/2025 20:10

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 20:07

Nobody suggested it was a 'saviour' but it's taken a complicated equation and created a formula that gives both parents 50/50 and each parent half the weekends. I thought it was pretty helpful myself. I certainly would have got pretty confused and frustrated if I tried to work that out by myself, I don't know about you.

And puts the kids last. Any parent who suggests that would hopefully be laughed out of court.

PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 08/12/2025 20:15

Espressosummer · 08/12/2025 20:10

And puts the kids last. Any parent who suggests that would hopefully be laughed out of court.

Hang on
he's already got them 50% of the time including most of the weekends. He's asking for MORE. OP will have to counter that with a reasonable, realistic and fair proposal that maintains the status quo as far as possible. The arrangement I suggested maintains status quo in terms of the 50/50 split whilst also favouring fairness in terms of weekends.
I don't know how much experience you have of the family courts but I have a lot - I've worked in that area for 11 years. I assure you, the court will want to a) maintain the status quo and b) get as little involved in actual arrangements as possible. They will not look for flaws and pitfalls, the OP needs to do that herself and preempt them. My proposal wouldn't be 'laughed out of court' it would probably be the best the OP could hope for, given current arrangements.

ForRoseSheep · 09/12/2025 10:16

Basically he wants him on all of his days off whilst I have to run around and get childcare when I’m at work and see them for an hour (if lucky) before bed. When I have days off and he has days off…they’re with dad. 🤷‍♀️🤔 it all seems very unfair to me and I feel my time isn’t real quality time. Hence why I have asked to reduce his seven days off to five. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
PumpkinTwistyWindToots · 09/12/2025 11:28

ForRoseSheep · 09/12/2025 10:16

Basically he wants him on all of his days off whilst I have to run around and get childcare when I’m at work and see them for an hour (if lucky) before bed. When I have days off and he has days off…they’re with dad. 🤷‍♀️🤔 it all seems very unfair to me and I feel my time isn’t real quality time. Hence why I have asked to reduce his seven days off to five. Is that unreasonable?

How many nights do you currently have and how many does he?
If he has them for both of his 4 days off plus 7 nights in his 10 days off then he's having them exactly 50% of the time. I'm not sure you'll get that reduced TBH. You can certainly try.

Igmum · 09/12/2025 11:43

Stop working around his shift patterns. You’ve tried it and made considerable sacrifices and it doesn’t work for you.

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