Son’s 18th Birthday

[WingsTingle]

Scenario:
3 DCs. Eldest DC lives with their dad who has actively blocked me from seeing DC1 over the years (told DC lies / threatened me/ tried to have me charged with harassment for trying to maintain contact, etc, etc). Ex was mentally, physically and financially abusive during our relationship. I left him in 2017.
I’ve always been careful about treating all DC equally / fairly and never tied my support of them to having any expectations in return.
DC1 turned 18 two years ago. In the run up, I had saved them a sum of £3,500 to gift when they reached this milestone. DC1 used the money towards an £8K car.
(Ex had told DC1 prior to his birthday that I was gifting him £5k, so my gift was somewhat spoiled despite it actually being a decent chunk, and one which I really had to work hard to save up…)
DC2 turns 18 soon. Again, have scrimped and saved in the run up, with an aim of gifting an equal amount. DC2 passed their driving test sooner than DC1 so wanted to purchase a car earlier, as he was struggling to get to work / college. I sold my car and used the money to buy one suitable for DC2 (cost £3,600)
DC2’s birthday savings already stood at £2,500, so I told DC2 that the car was the equivalent of his birthday money and that when the savings became available that they would need to come back to me.
Ex has been in DC2’s ear saying that the money belongs to DC2 and that I have no right to it. DC2 is now saying to me that I can’t have the money back…
AIBU?
(For additional info / context: ex has paid a total sum of £300 in child maintenance since I left him eight years ago. I work full time but money is tight. Ex has contributing nothing to either pot of savings. I sold my car as DC2 couldn’t get insured on it, plus I had been using it very minimally due to health issues and working 99% from home)

Take the car back and give him 3.5k, spoilt brat. How does your ex know so much ?
I honestly would not be putting up with this crap from any of them.

How incredibly disappointing of him to be so mercenary. At 18, I'd expect my children to have stronger characters than to be so easily swayed by a manipulative parent, especially if you have been the primary parent of DC2 over the years.

Is the car in your name or theirs? If yours, I'd be selling it.
If the car is in their name, you're short of options, as you can't force them to hand over the savings, despite them technically already having received them as an advance.

I'd have a conversation, or write a note, letting them know how disappointed you are in their morals and their lack of character. I'd tell them to shove the £2.5k and that they should view it as an advance on all future Christmas, birthday, graduation and wedding gifts. I'd let them know that if they are so happy to steal money from the woman who has raised them, then you assume they are now ready for the real world, and you expect their room to be vacated in [insert reasonable timeframe]. The stolen money will be a big help towards a rental deposit.

Harsh, probably. It will either give them a reality check that the money isn't worth burning the bridges of parenthood that make their life so much easier in so many ways. Or, it doesn't and you have to accept your Ex-P has poisoned them to the level they are a cruel and untrustworthy person. I wouldn't want someone in my home who could treat me like that.

Has DC1 lived with his Dad since you’ve separated? You may think this is an irrelevant question but I’m always dubious as to why the child is put in the father’s custody if everything is okay with mum at home.

Sorry I’m struggling to give you an objective opinion without knowing a little more of the back-story.

I am not sure why your ex is getting so involved with any financial agreements you are making with your now adult sons.

I agree that DS2 needs to understand the car was his savings and that if he now wants the money the car needs to be returned to you.
Why was it you that sold your car to allow him to buy a new one? Why didn't the ex contribute or finance this?

Stop listening to your ex and take control of the situation. Tell your ex the car money it is. No more.

A deeply unpleasant post all.it seems to come down to is money.
You dont need to give a large amount of money in the first place or a car.

I agree with @AphroditesSeashell

Stop telling your ex financial information. There’s obviously more to this story to mean that ex got full custody of one child despite domestic abuse, but really most of the back story isn’t that relevant. I’d speak to your son about the situation and what he agreed to and try and resolve it that way before anything else. Your kids have clearly been through a lot so I wouldn’t be aiming to further damage your relationship with any of them if you can avoid it. That being said, if the car is in your name I wouldn’t rule out taking it back if DC really do refuse to accept their responsibility here.

The kids have been raised in an abusive and violent relationship, and then stuck between waring parents since. Making the teenager homeless because they’ve sided with the wrong parent in a life long battle that took OP years to escape from is pretty harsh.

@ToKittyornottoKitty

I think the back story has to be relevant as the Ex clearly thinks DC2 deserves both the car and money from his mother. However, if the Ex is the actual awful pig in this family - and continues to brainwash DC - how comes he was given custody of one child.

It could possibly make sense if DC2 isn’t the Ex’s kid and the half brother and Ex have a massive grudge against the mum - for some reason - and are doing their best to poison DC2 against her too. If this is the case then OP just needs to sit down with her DC2 and explain what’s happening.

The above is just a guess obvs but splitting children doesn’t make sense but the back-story is likely - rightly or wrongly - the reason DC2 is not planning to return the £2.5k!

I don't understand, where is the money now? Is it in your account? If yes, do not give him a penny!

However, if the Ex is the actual awful pig in this family - and continues to brainwash DC - how comes he was given custody of one child.

When are kids are teens you can't really enforce custody, they stay with whichever parent they want.

@nomas

DC1 was 12 or 13 at the time, could he decide from this age? Dad was abusive to mum, not sure children would then choose Dad over their caring Mum.

Yes, he could be allowed to choose at that age. There are many reasons why kids choose a parent like that - fear, guilt, obligation etc.

He could be, but OP said the relationship was violent and abusive so it’s unlikely a court would have given full custody of just the eldest to the abuser.

I also don’t understand why the ‘only £300’ in maintenance is any issue. I’d get it it’s an unacceptable amount if the OP was caring for both children but she isn’t. OP and Ex have one kid each so that’s a 50/50 split in expenses surely. Or am I missing something?

Again, why the issue that the Ex isn’t contributing to the birthday pot? You’re separated OP, so presents to the kids are separate too - unless agreed otherwise. If you want to give a wad of cash to each DC that’s your choice and from you only. The Ex arranges his own gift.

Just want to point out that I’m not siding with OP or Ex, I’m unable to choose as this all doesn’t make sense to me.

As they say on ‘Dragon’s Den’, I’m out!

Literally the first thing the OP says is that they have 3 children, so presumably she has 2 of the 3. Also the one with the dad turned 18 a few years ago.

Apologies if anything in my OP was unclear.

Backstory with ex and DC1 is very complicated, but my belief is that ex isolated DC1 as a tactic to further hurt and control me.

DC1 came with me originally when I left but spent a lot of time with his dad as he got all of his one on one attention and time spent doing his hobbies that my ex never gave to our other two children.

Ex was never physically abusive to the children, though psychologically he damaged them significantly and I am still dealing with the fallout of that. Social services paid me a visit following an incident that was reported at DC1s school, but DC1 later denied the incident had happened. Social services told me not to pursue official custody as it would likely result in DC2 & DC3 being obligated to spend time with him.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, especially as DC1 was refusing to see us and ex was threatening to call the police and have me charged with harassment if I didn’t stop trying to contact DC1.

(I was terrified for years whilst with him, and have remained so, despite my best efforts to no longer let him affect me)

During the time they spent together, DC1 was fed a lot of untruths by ex and ex’s family and alienated him not just from me but his siblings also. Ex made very little effort to see his other two children, and has contributed nothing financially.

I communicate with DC1 when it safe for him to do so but it is difficult to rebuild.

I don’t talk to ex, I don’t tell him anything -financial or otherwise. DC2 has had some contact with his dad over the last couple of years and I think tells him bits of information in an effort to bond with him.

Ex thinks he knows it all and will tell whichever tale paints him in the best light possible.

I’ve had another chat with DC2 this evening. He thought I was very financially well off thanks to his dad’s lies, and had also been told that DC1s money from me was the £5k figure ex had plucked out of the sky. He now understands better and we have come to an agreement over the savings (which only he can access when he turns 18).

The car is in DC2s name. I couldn’t afford to buy him his own car when he passed his test and sold mine as I can manage without for now.

Think that’s covered everything…

Thanks all for your input.

Now it all makes sense. So pleased you’ve had an informative chat with your DC2 and that he understands your real financial situation and will act appropriately. As they say ‘all’s well that end’s well!’

I hope that one-day DC1 manages to see through his dad’s bs and makes his way back home to you all.

Thank you x