SS being bullied, what can I do?

[BulliedSS]

Background: I have SDs 11 and 10, and SS7. We have a younger child and so does their mum. We have SC every other weekend and half the holidays which was the arrangement pre-me, we live two hours apart (she moved to be closer to family and a cheaper area, with her new boyfriend), and no I wasn’t the OW.

Current issue: For the past year or so, I’ve noticed SDs can be really horrible to their brother. They hurt or insult him, then when he retailiates, they cry to an adult. They blame him for things they break or do wrong, and back each other up, so often he’s the one in trouble. The way they speak to him is often vile, condescending and haughty, lots of angry hissing “don’t you DARE do that” and speaking in a way that I really am uncomfortable with. I shut it down and tell them off every time but I’m not always with them (if I’m with other DC or cooking or something) and DH does stop fights or shouting, but thinks it’s normal sibling squabbles.

They’re all quite well-behaved with us but all say they’re far more naughty at their mum’s and at school, and I know that their mum and stepdad are often at work or out so they spend 2-3 nights a week with teenage babysitters without much supervision. I don’t think they get much individual time or attention which I guess is normal in a busy household with lots of kids (their mum’s sister lives nearby and she has four kids too and they’re often at each other’s houses). Their mum has said in the past that she struggles to make them behave, that SDs are her best friends and that they run the house etc, and I’ve seen this when we’ve all been together.

Recently, SS has been very clingy to me, desperate to be apart from his big sisters, and has been very upset to leave. He’s a sensitive, sweet boy who loves routine, structure and approval, and I hate to think of him being ignored or shouted at all of the time.

Am I being oversensitive? I’m an only child so have no experience of sibling squabbles. I’m also quite a quiet person, and know I might be seeing this through my own lens. How can I make life more pleasant for SS?

Siblings can be totally vile to each other.

is it physical? If so I would be coming down very hard.

if not then I’d be looking at what I can do to give him individual attention but to be honest there’s not much you can do to change the dynamics at mums.

That sounds really tough for your SS and it's lovely that you have noticed what's going on and are trying to help.

I would say you could do one of a few things.

1. See if possibly you can take SS in full time and move his school to your area. Then for access send SS to mother when you have SDs visit you temporarily. Maybe a few months of not seeing their sibling will make SDs be a bit kinder to their brother.

1. If 1 isn't possible, speak to SDs and try and explain how their treatment of SS is making him sad and is that really what they want for their brother.

1. Take SS in temporarily in the hopes that absence makes the heart grow fonder with his sister's and they change the way they treat him.

1. Move around contact so the siblings are split? So SS has time with mother and you guys without his sister's there for some of the time.

It is sometimes physical, but this is always out of eyesight and when this happens, SS retaliates, the SD will cry and it’s a toss-up as to which one gets told off by DH. Often when one of them comes to DH with a complaint, he’ll tell them to sort it out and quit whining, basically. They used to all get on well but as SDs have started to hit puberty it’s become really horrible.

I do give SS as much individual attention as possible but this makes SDs jealous so whilst it helps in the moment, it doesn’t change things when they’re together. They openly and often say they hate him, that he’s stupid and fat, and so on. It’s really unpleasant.

Whilst I would absolutely love to have SS’s primary residence change to our house, and I think he’d flourish, his mum would never agree to it. He also loves his mum and is desperate for her love and I don’t think he’d want to.

I know our house is the “boring” one but I do think he’d be much more settled and happy here.

I have spoken to SDs about their treatment of SS, both together and individually, but they are adamant it’s his fault, that he is mean to them, and so on. We saw them all with their mum at an event on Friday and SDs were being vile to SS in front of her and she didn’t say anything so I suspect they’re not called up on it at all in their home. It makes me very sad for SS.

Has your DH had a word with his daughters? Told them their behaviour is bullying? Where is he in all this?

Maybe speak to his mum and mentioned what you saw at the event and see if she noticed it too and ask what she's going to do about it. It sounds like she does need to act really as it seems like she's ignoring it. Not fair on SS.

If she's not willing to do anything, maybe try and split access? So you take SDs sometime and SS other times? So he gets time with his mum and away from his sister's?

Your DH needs to come don hard on these nasty girls before the teenage years hit! His ex too.
You sound like a lovely step mum

I have, many times. His view is that siblings do squabble and that he doesn’t want to spend all his limited time with them telling them off. In the past year or two, SDs have started having a bit of sass and attitude about things like homework and chores, and I think there’s an element of him worrying that if he’s too harsh, they’ll decide not to come.

I'd come down hard on it. I won't have bullying. It's one thing I just will not tolerate. Sit them down without SS and tell them, without censor how disgusted you are with them, that their behaviour is vile and unacceptable and they should be ashamed of themselves.

Then punish. Harshly. Think they're playing out? Think again. Bye bye phone, gone for the weekend. No treats. No outings. No screen time. Any games consoles removed. They can go to their room with nothing to do and think long and hard about their attitude because no one wants to associate with bullies.

He doesn't want to tell them off? Seriously? Then he will end up with two nasty little brats who can't recognise a boundary if it slapped them in the face. Discipline is part of raising decent kids. Suck it up and be a parent. No one likes doing it but it's necessary.

The thing is, they’re extremely close (outing but they’re actually both in the same school year) and from what they say and their school reports, I suspect they’re quite mean to school friends too. They have each other and don’t need anyone else. If they’re told to do something they don’t want to do, they’ll gang up in their disapproval and are quite a force to be reckoned with.

I don’t think that making myself the evil stepmother who enforces everything is going to help overall relations.

I like the idea of spending time with SS without SDs and vice versa, but I don’t know how that’d work in practice, unless we were having them on alternate weekends.

That’d double the driving, their mum won’t agree to doing any more (they share the driving), and DH wouldn’t be able to get every Friday afternoon off work so it’d mean less time with them overall.

Bump: does anyone have experience of splitting schedules so you can have more individual time with SC, despite a distance?

You can't do this as a step parent. You can try and get the bio parent to do it but as a step parent this will destroy your relationship with your step children and their father and their mother. It's a fairly common issue that non resident parents are reluctant to enforce discipline when they have their contact time or the resident parent has different ideas on acceptable behaviour. There's all the disruption and uncertainty of having parents in different places too. Easy enough to get away with this behaviour if they are inclined and generally feeling vulnerable or defensive.
It has to be through their parents working together and your only hope is to make your partner see what is happening and then suggest strategies like separate visits or at least separate activities when they visit and more discipline with consequences for the SDs. But this can not be your role. You can offer all the support possible to you SS and try and mitigate his nasty siblings. Plenty, but not all, grow out of this and become good friends with their siblings. Others don't, unfortunately.

Oh. Unfortunately if your DH won’t tell them off and their mum clearly doesn’t, you are on a hiding to nothing here. Why would they listen to you if their parents won’t intervene. I’m sorry he’s so spineless.

I don’t think he necessarily needs to be on their back the whole time btw. I think sitting them down (individually) for a serious chat and telling them they have lots of lovely qualities but this one thing is making them look bad, might have an impact. But perhaps he wouldn’t be willing to do even that in case he scares them off.

I agree. I’ve already given up on homework with them because they don’t engage at all. It isn’t how I’d raise a child, but as the old stepparent adage goes, you can’t care more than the parents.

We always tried to give them the benefit of the doubt when it came to different rules and expectations, but now SDs definitely try to use it to their advantage (Mum never makes us tidy our room, Mum says we can stay up until 10pm, Mum makes sure we do our homework on Mondays so she says you don’t have to and so on) and I’m sure it’s the same in reverse.

DH does see what’s happening, but also he thinks SS can be more whiny and attention seeking (which I’d argue is because he gets more lonely and bored because SDs have each other for entertainment).

SDs are fun, witty and genuinely can be great company, but that’s often when they’re getting their own way. I feel sorry for SS because he’s not really got a voice.

He does tell them off, but there’s not much we can do in terms of consequences which stick. If we cancel a day out, or say they have to stay home, that means one parent still has to entertain them and they’re still together so it doesn’t really matter. They’re not fussed about screen time.

I just really feel for SS. He deserves to feel safe and loved in both his homes.